This Doesn't Feel Like Getting Well | Teen Ink

This Doesn't Feel Like Getting Well

August 1, 2014
By JacobTheOrdinary PLATINUM, Rancho Cucamonga, California
JacobTheOrdinary PLATINUM, Rancho Cucamonga, California
43 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Fiction is the lie that tells the truth."

The wet, grainy sand feels so cold against my numb, clammy body. Then the waves come over. The frigid water came to cleanse me, to wash off the sand and blood. I can hear the ocean come onto the shore to rinse me clean. I can hear the waves crashing in the distance. I can see the stars shining bright over my head. What happened that lead me here?
Ah, I remember everything, o yes. I didn't want you back but he was no good for you. Now, I can't say that I love you but I can say that I hate him so. All of this was because, at best, I'd bad intentions. However, in all honesty, I'd rather die than see you with another guy, especially him. I don't regret saying that. You knew that he was no good for you. That's why we needed to talk. All I was doing was trying to help.
You wanted to meet near the rock formation at the beach. I agreed. It was about one in the morning. All I wanted to do was help. You had tear-stained cheeks but decided to ask how I was. I lied and then asked you the same. You lied too. You started choking on your sobs and your eyes ran like waterfalls. I walked to you and started to hold you. This is why I left in the first place. It appears that I broke you worse than what I thought. I walked you back to your car to see that you left safely. Instead, you pulled me inside and attempted to start things that have happened in your car before. I started to panic.
"All I wanted to do was help. I don't love you anymore."
The words I said were lies. I did not know. I got out of the car and started back to the rocks to pick up my things. You started to follow the way you usually do when you get upset. In your typical rage, you shoved me. I landed into the rocks unexpectedly. My crown bashed on the stone and I lay motionless on the wet sand. Soaked in water, stained in blood.
The sand is cold on my body. The ocean roars about as it pulls me in. The stars shine so bright. I could hear your cries as you ran back to your car and drove away. Let's see if the dead can rise or if I'm just washed away.

The author's comments:
This short story is based off of a song. House of Heroes' "Pulling Back The Skin" Listen, Read, and Enjoy.

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This article has 6 comments.

ZealousHeart said...
on Aug. 30 2014 at 8:04 pm
ZealousHeart, St. Joseph, Missouri
0 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.

I enjoyed your story. The repition of the "I can's"  was fitting for the situation that the main character was in. I liked the tone of the story and your writing style. The only critiques I have, really, are 1) the first sentece is a bit clunky, and 2) I think the story could use more detail. It just seems rushed. I think if it were a few paragraphs longer that the reader would have more time to digest it.  

EttieGH GOLD said...
on Aug. 18 2014 at 3:29 am
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments
i like the story, i like the way it came from his point of view. That doesn't often happen in stories, i just felt that the way he explained what happenned was a teensy bit choppy. Other than that, i think it's good.

pprudhon GOLD said...
on Aug. 17 2014 at 8:03 pm
pprudhon GOLD, San Jose, California
10 articles 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
-JK Rowling (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)

I really liked the way you had this story from the perspective of a dead man.  It's very unique and intriguing.  However, in the beginning your sentences were very redundant (you used the words "I can hear/see/feel many times in a row), which can be good, but typically gets old really fast.  I agree with Longlegs that you may benefit from using different phrasing, even if the man is dead.  Aside from that and a few typos, it was great.  Keep writing :)

on Aug. 15 2014 at 6:19 pm
JacobTheOrdinary PLATINUM, Rancho Cucamonga, California
43 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Fiction is the lie that tells the truth."

The main character is suppose to be an average person who is dead. he could car less about creativity when he is dying.  Not to be mean but there as a reason why my creativity was very simplistic.

on Aug. 15 2014 at 4:34 pm
readaholic PLATINUM, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
27 articles 0 photos 426 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather fail because I fell on my own face than fall because someone tripped me up
~Jhonen Vasquez

Perhaps it's because you based this off a song, but many of your sentences seem similar in length and structure, maybe try mixing it up?  This is especially with all the "I can"'s in the beginning and some of the narration in the middle.  On another note, though, I adore your imagery in the beginning and end.

Longlegs GOLD said...
on Aug. 15 2014 at 12:52 pm
Longlegs GOLD, Greeneville, Tennessee
16 articles 0 photos 84 comments
Great job! I suggest you work some more on the beginning though. You used interesting and varied words, but you have some pitfalls. 1) You don't have to say the wet, grainy sand "feels" cold and that you can "hear" the waves crashing in the distance, and that you can "see" the stars shining. Be more creative. Say something like "Grains of cold, wet sand rubbed coarsely against my numb body." Or "The stars were patting my head with their kind rays". Does this make sense? Overusing "I can see" and "I can hear" in your beginning makes it sound unatural. 2) Just as you overused "I can see" and "I can hear", you also have to much "come". Instead of "Then the waves come over" you can say something like "Then the waves dance on the shore, swirling away the sand and blood." That way it will be more creative and interesting.   Does this make sense? Sorry if I sounded harsh, I'm just telling you how you can make it better. Awesome otherwise. I hope you will keep writing!

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