What might have been?

May 18, 2013
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I, Bacchus the Greek god, love mortals. Now you might be saying, “Wait you're in love with one of those foolish creatures?” I say nay, but not because I'm a horse. The reason why I love mortals is because of how funny they are. This one mortal, tzar... wait no, Caesar... umm that’s not it either, well, I forgot his name. Oh well. Anyway, he walked into my temple, where I was watching the game. It was the lions, who were brutish, against the slaves, who were also brutish, but not brutish enough, for the lions were winning 500-nothing.
“Hey Bacchus, get your head out of the clouds, I've come to worship you.”

Hearing this I lowered my head out of the clouds, “What is it my mortal?”

“I've come to worship you,” he said.

“Now there's not much use in that, all you do is just bow down and do nothing, and speak in a quiet whisper so that I can't even hear you, or worst of all you think it. let's have some fun instead.”

“What do you mean?” he queried.

“Well,” I started, “Mortals usually choose the worst possible thing when it comes to wishes, so how about I grant you a free wish.”

“How about a get out of jail free card?”

“Why would you desire that? Monopoly hasn't been invented yet, but if you so choose...”

“Wait,” he said, “I've changed my mind, I want you to add one to the number of wishes that I have.”

“OK. So what's your wish?”

“I want you to add another one.”

“Done, what is your wish?”

“How many wishes do I have? Three?”

“No, you have one.”

“That doesn't make sense.”

The guy was so close to getting extra wishes, but yet so far away. So I decided to help him.

“When you made the request to add more wishes a wish was taken away.”

“Exactly,” he replied, “That means that you've been cheating me out of extra wishes.”

The guy was helplessly helpless. “How about you don't make a wish for more wishes.”

“OK.,” he said, “I wish that everything I think about turns to gold.”

“Are you sure that you want that? I mean you could turn your daughter to gold or something.”

“Oh I guess you're right. How about my wish is that everything I touch turns into gold.”

This guy was literally helpless. “If that's what you want,” I said.

“It is.”

“OK.” I said, as I proceeded to clout him in the face.

“What the...” he said as he fell to the ground.

“Well, in order to grant you your wish I had to touch you. I thought to myself that the best way to do that would punish you for making a horrible wish.”

As he returned to his feet his clothes turned to gold, and he couldn't move.

“I told you that it was a stupid wish.”

“No it wasn't, look at this gold. I could buy three lions with this. Now help me get it off.”

I made the gold disappear.

“What a waste of precious gold!” he yelled at me, “but I forgive you, how about a hug?”

“No thank you, go hug your daughter or something.”

With that, he left me to watching the game.

They had changed the game, now it was gladiators against slaves. This was better because it wasn't as one sided. I mean, if two groups are going to have a brutal battle where they are slain brutally both sides should have some brutish slaying, as long as it's brutally brutal fighting done by brutishly brutal brutes. Right now the score was gladiators 10 slaves 2. I looked over at chieftain... umm no, uum... jarl (yarl)... no... King! Yes, King... umm, King Merlin? Merida? Michal? No, that's not it, never mind. He was almost home, suddenly he was attacked by a lion, which had escaped the stadium. When he touched it, it turned to gold. I was certain there was going to be a lawsuit; those things were expensive. But now that it was gold, it wouldn't matter, as it was worth twice as much as it used to be.

When he reached his house he turned the doorknob, it of course turned to gold. He then walked in. I, being the humble god I am, can see through walls, making it easy to see what was going on inside. One of his servants came to bring him food, roast cow tongue, pickled rat intestines, ground monkey brains, smoked frogs legs and char-broiled snake. Overall a very expensive meal, but it was going to get even more costly. The king, who was really hungry, daintily picked up a frog's leg and shoved it in his mouth gracefully, as soon as he bit it his teeth fell out, for the leg had turned to gold. He picked his teeth up. He displayed them on a pedistal. At least the king would have all the gold teeth he would ever need.

“You,” said the king addressing the servant, “go get me some wine.”

When the servant returned he handed the gold chalice to the king. The wine turned to gold when it touched his lips.

The king was really angry, and he accidentally slapped his servant in his rage. The servant then turned to gold. The king, moved the servant to the middle of the room, as there was no use in wasting a perfectly good gold statue now was there? Just then, his daughter from his long dead wife came rushing out toward him.

“Oh, daddy, I really like the statue that you brought ho...”

She stopped suddenly as she had turned into gold before embracing her father. The king was mournful and he fell down to his knees and put his face down onto the ground and cried. His servants heard this and came from all around to comfort the poor king. They thought that the statue in the main hall was a statue of his daughter for his daughter, but that she had declined his generosity. They assumed this because he was crying. They couldn't see why she had turned it down, because it looked like a realistic and skillfully made statue. This is ironic, because that is exactly what they would become. As they stood over the king, who was suffering and mourning for his loss, he stood up in resolve to confront me. Accidentally touching the servants hovering over him. They all turned to gold.

“Why me?” He yelled angrily in utter anguish, as he rushed out of the building, toward my temple, triping over metal servants.

“Bacchus, Bacchus, get this curse off my back! Oh, Bacchus please!”

“What's that?” I asked him, I had been paying attention to the game which was in its finale, lions vs gladiators vs slaves vs gazelles vs snakes vs spiders vs a cyclops vs Odysseus vs soldiers, vs the audience. It was an awesome fight the score was lions 10, gladiators 20, slaves 1, gazelles 0, snakes 3, spiders 30, cyclops 75, Odysseus 1 (he killed the cyclops), soldiers 43, audience 0 (They were running away). It was then that I realized that this wasn't the games finale, it was a war! In the stadium! But at that moment the king had interrupted the game.

“I want to not make things into gold when I touch them, please.”

“I'm sorry but you don't have any more wishes.”

“Help me Bacchus, you're my only hope.”

“OK,” I said. I couldn't stand his face being twisted and contorted and red so I hoped to lighten it up.

He tested to see if he was cured by touching the floor, it didn't turn to gold. His face never did lighten up. He rushed home. When he reached the lion that he had killed he saw that it was still gold. At this moment, he realized that what's done is done, just as the lion was gold so was his daughter. He then walked home at a slow crawl, his face even more red and twisted than before. He realized that we must face the consequences of our actions. He was heartbroken, heartbroken at the loss of his daughter, she would never be alive again. The king slumps on his throne in his golden palace reclusively, not allowing anyone to come in, staring regretfully at his daughter. He wonders if he hadn’t turned things into gold, what might have been.

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