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Gilderoy Lockhart; Wanderings with Werewolves
It was a cold, damp spring evening, there was a slight breeze ruffling my award-winning golden hair. I was in the middle of what some would consider nowhere, but I knew as, the alleged home of a civilization of little known Vampires. There I was, looking at what seemed to be an ordinary cave, but what I would soon find out, would prove to be extraordinary.
I walked fearlessly into the cave and stumbled upon what looked like the remains of a freshly killed deer. I was then positive that I was in the right place. I went on.
I glided most gracefully down into the cave, when I was rudely attacked by a most hideous bat creature! It was going for my neck, but I did everything in my power to prevent such an attack, for I couldn’t possibly allow the creature to mar my devilishly handsome, award- winning smile. So I whipped out my wand and stunned the wretched creature. Still, even after that possibly fatal (had it not been for my quick wit and astoundingly accurate skills) accident, I courageously went on. It was really a shame because I would’ve been more than willing to share some much needed beauty tips with the hideous beast. Ah, well, c’est la vie, I suppose.
I had been walking for so long, that I decided I would camp out in the cave for a couple hours. I drifted soundlessly into a quick beauty nap. I dreamed of the glorious day I won my award from Witch Weekly for the most charming smile (for the fifth time, I might add) but before I could present them with my stunning, unintentionally well-prepared acceptance speech, I was most harshly shaken awake. I looked up and realized it was a beautiful witch, though not quite as beautiful as myself, who appeared to have been in the cave for years. She muttered strange things like, “Leave now, they’ll get you, like they got him….” She then pointed at what looked like a thin, pale man, far less attractive than myself, about mid- twenties. I then knew the vampires had maliciously drained him of all his blood only moments before.
He grabbed the woman by her hair and lowered his head to her neck. I obviously knew what was about to happen, my being so clever and such, I reached for my wand, and then another pale man (also much less attractive than myself) grabbed my wand from inside my coat pocket. I would have to do this without magic. Which would obviously be no trouble at all thanks to my encounter with that malignant kelpie who made off with my wand and my companion, but no need to worry, I rescued him most valiantly from the belly of the beast.
I grabbed the hand of the undead creature and pulled him over my shoulder, he hit the hard cave floor with a loud ‘thud’. I then turned to the other and saw that his face was centimeters from the girl’s neck. I then thrust a conveniently close by rock at his skull. He let out a wail of agonizing pain and stumbled backwards, therefore releasing the girl and hitting the side of the cave and was knocked out. She clung to my chiseled features helplessly. I turned again and saw the first vampire slowly beginning to stand up. I looked around and saw my wand lying on the ground. I made a spectacular leap towards it, but the beast had apparently had the same idea, but, being in much better shape than he, I managed to pry it from his unnaturally cold and clammy hands. I quickly shouted “Petrificus Totalus!” and his arms and legs seemed to have been glued to his sides.
I then instructed the girl to stay close to me and not wander off, we then set off into the darkness. It wasn’t very long after that we had come to what seemed to be a large, circular clearing. I cleverly spotted what seemed to be an alter for sacrifices of some sort; I knew it couldn’t be anything else, because I am very clever, and it also had a large, rather ugly blade resting on a pedestal that was covered in blood. I looked around once more and noticed three paths, one which we had come from, one that was very large, and one that was merely more than a 14 inch crack. I asked the girl if she knew where they led too and she informed me that the large one was where they met, like a gathering place, and the smaller one she did not know, for she had only gone in it once attempting to hide from the guards who were searching for her, but she had not dared to go in very far because she didn’t know where it would lead her to, though if the opportunity had presented itself to me, I would’ve bravely explored the cave further. I then made the smart decision to go away from the large group of them and took the smaller path.
We had walked for mere minutes on a continuous upward slope, when I saw light and heard cold, raspy voices ahead. I broke into a graceful trot. I nearly ran into a thirty foot drop, but I sensed its presence and stopped just in the nick time. I looked down and saw a giant auditorium full of unappealing, pale creatures, I saw a large opening just below and to the left of us, that must have been were we would’ve come out had we taken the other path. Though I, being so clever, had foreseen the outcome of taking the larger path ending in danger. If I had been by myself, I surely would’ve taken the other, more dangerous path, though I couldn’t possibly risk the girl’s life. Then, the palest, and by far most unattractive creature, raised his arms and they all fell silent. I, being so quick-witted, came to the conclusion that he must be the leader. He started to speak, he said, “Once again we meet, my brothers and sisters, in the home of our ancestors. Here, we will plot against the wizards who maliciously destroyed them. I suggest that we do it Thursday night, at the so called ‘Ministry of Magic’. You shall fly through there windows, suck the innocence out of there children. I, however, will go straight to the Minister’s office, and I can assure you, his death will be neither quick, nor painless.”
I knew at this point, that I must do something. So I leapt out of the cave onto the leader’s back. I wrestled him to the ground, all the other vampires stood there in awe of the fact that there leader could be beaten by such an attractive human. Once he was thoroughly knocked out, I turned on the rest of them. Some fled at the mere thought that they might have to take me on, but others remained, obviously to avenge or take the pace of there leader. So there I was, out numbered at least three-hundred to one.
I started strategically firing off curses and hexes to keep them at bay. I started to panic, for however many of them I warded off, two more seemed to take there place! I was cornered. I then had a brilliant revelation. I spun out of nowhere other than my skills, a gargantuan, ring of garlic, garlic sauce, crosses, and wooden stakes. They scrammed, like field mice. “Hahaha,” I thought to myself, “and they thought they could take me on?” I then went to retrieve the girl who was dancing over the disappearance of the beasts. I took her by the hand and we walked eloquently out of the cave.