A Coyote's Complaint

March 19, 2012

1949 Warner Str.

ACME Acres, 221719

Dear ACME Co.,

Usually I am fairly satisfied by the used of your products. Your speedy delivery and vast variety of products is unmatched by any other company I am aware of. That is the reason I depended on you whenever I was in need.

However, my recent purchases have not served me well. You see, for reasons I refuse to explain, I reside in the middle of a desert. Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that food is not an easily obtainable resource for me. So when a certain speedy blue bird passes me by naturally I attempt to catch it. Since the Accelleratii Incredibus known for its highly accelerated speed I am unable to do so on my own. That is why I turned to your products for help.

Since then I have ordered multiple costumes, a hang glider, an anvil, cans of paint, a robot on one specific occasion, and countless other cases where none of these products worked to lead me toward my ultimate goal. I personally suggest you have a problem if even the paint proves to be dysfunctional. I am still going hungry. Consider for a moment my utter embarrassment as another one of my well-thought-out plans blows up (quite literally) in my face while that wretched Roadrunner dashes by, taunting me with his repetitious “Meep-Meep”!

Therefore I refuse to pay this lengthy bill you have presented me with. Frankly I’m astounded you have the audacity to do so. I will cough up the dough once you present me with a functional product and my stomach is full. I consider that a fair deal. Hopefully you consider now that you hopefully understand my plight. I eagerly await your reply.


Wile E. Coyote/Carnivorous Vulgaris/Genius

One Mail Order later...

Coyote, Wile E.

Cliffside, Desolate Rd.

Desert 00000

Dear Mr. Coyote,

When the paint becomes dysfunctional we don't believe it's us. Fate is against you, my friend. Your endurance (and service) is appreciated, but we suggest ACME Canned Roadrunner TM.


Your Friends at ACME CO.

Join the Discussion

This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Imaginedangerous This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Very funny. I especially liked his aknowledgement that some parts of it defy understanding- 'for reasons I refuse to explain, I reside in the middle of the desert'. :) The dysfunctional paint was also very good.



I don't normally ask people to read my work, but I actually did a piece on this same topic. Check out 'The World According to Looney Tunes' if you want. Personally, I don't think his problem is fate- it's physics. :)

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callmeike said...
Mar. 20, 2012 at 11:03 pm
Oh wow that was great haha. It's really hard to make someone laugh while reading but you acomplished that fantastically! I hope to see more work from you.
NinjaMonster123 said...
Mar. 20, 2012 at 9:56 pm
Hahaha, that's really good and funny! I love the response from the company! :D
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