Beavis and Butt-head- The Search for Uncle Tom

By , King of Prussia, PA
Beavis and Butt-head were getting bored with their jobs at Burger World. It was just too many hours of getting some fries for ugly chicks or getting told to do stuff by “that manager dude”. After awhile, they got fed up. saw a poster on the war, depicting Uncle Sam and the U.S. Army.

“Yeah. This sucks! Sucks! Sucks!” Beavis replied.

“Settle down, Beavis. You sound like a dumba**.”

“Let’s get out of here Butt-head,” Beavis said, walking and tossing his apron.

“Um, ok Beavis,” he followed Beavis to the door.
“Check it out, Butt-head. Who’s that dude on that poster on the wall?” Beavis asked.

“Uh huh huh huh, I’ve heard of that guy. He was like, that dude in the Army. I think he’s called Uncle Tom or something.”

Beavis suddenly had an idea. “Heh, heh, heh, let’s go save Private Tom.”

The manager of Burger World came out of his office, hearing people complain about Beavis and Butt-head leaving. “Beavis! Butt-head! What the he** are you guys doing? Get back to work!”

Butt-head was in no mood to screw around with the manager. “Uh, no… We like, quit.”

“Yeah, this place sucks. Let’s get out of here, Butt-head, and go join the army.” Beavis added with enthusiasm.

“Uh huh huh huh, this is gonna be cool,” Butt-head said, stepping outside with Beavis.

(The two are at a local recruiting office)

“Ok, Mr. Beavis and Mr. Butt-head. I’m gonna need to ask you two a couple questions,” the recruiter said. “First, I’d just like to know, are either of you two homosexual?”

“Uh, what does that mean?” Beavis asked.

“Yeah, I’ve never heard that before,” Butt-head said. “Wait, do you mean, like, that Justin Bieber dude?”

“As a military official, we can’t name anyone out as gay, but sure,” he replied.

“Heh, heh, heh, uh, no but, like I’m still trying to find some chicks and score,” Beavis answered.

“Yeah, he never gets any chicks. What a loser!” Butt-head insulted Beavis.

“Shut up. I’ll kick your a**!” Beavis said back. The two started squabbling and fighting with each other.

“We got two mighty fine recruits here2, sarge,” the recruiter yelled. “Definitely ready to go out there and become fine soldiers.”

(Standing at attention during retreat)

“Now, this is retreat. We will march across the parade field and pass in review. We will the pay our respects to the great flag at the top of that pole. The symbol of the United States of America,” the sergeant explained.

“Uh, huh, huh, huh, he said ‘pole’! Butt-head laughed.

“Heh, heh, heh, pole!” Beavis joked.

(Beavis and Butt-head are being told the basics of the army and all that…)

“Now the three time-honored ideals are duty, honor, country. Follow what that means, soldiers? Our slogan here is ‘Be all you can be’. That means NOT SLEEPING WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU!” the sergeant yelled at Beavis and Butt-head, who were dozing off at the back of the room. “Da** it, you two! Pay attention!”

“Heh, heh, heh, like, we’re pretty tired,” Beavis told him.

“Uh huh huh huh, yeah, like, we had to get up really early,” Butt-head added.

This ticked off the sergeant as he was not used to being addressed as anything other than sarge or sir by new recruits. “You can sleep after you do KP tonight! Now how do you like that?

“Heh, heh, heh, like, Butt-head and I thought we were gonna be saving some Private Tom dude,” Beavis explained.

“Why don’t you two step out of this room for a minute, and I’ll deal with you punks later,” the sergeant ordered.

“Yeah, let’s get out of here, Beavis. This place sucks,” Butt-head stated.

The two idiots walked out of the room and out of the sergeant’s sight, which was all he wanted to see. Of course, the sergeant never saw that Beavis and Butt-head went straight into the officer’s lounge.

The officer’s lounge had a pool table, TV, and a bunch of armchairs and couches. It was reserved for the captain of the company and his lieutenants. Normally, there were at least two officers relaxing throughout the day in there, but since it was the first day of training for several new platoons, the officers were all out in the field observing the progress of the drill sergeants and their recruits.

Beavis and Butt-head didn’t care about the TV, pool table, or even the junk food sitting around. The poster on the walls, showing “Uncle Tom”, captivated them.
“Whoa! Check it out. It’s that Uncle Tom dude again. What’s he doing here?”
“Hm heh heh heh, let’s find that guy. He must be around here somewhere,” Beavis said.
“I don’t know, Beavis. I gotta go to the bathroom,” Butt-head replied.
“Yeah yeah! Me too!” Beavis agreed.
“Uh huh huh huh, just don’t ask, and I won’t tell!” snickered Butt-head.
“Shut up Butt-head!”
The tandem walked out of the lounge and went outside, where they saw two privates carrying some heavy crates.
“Uh, general? Where’s the bathroom?” Butt-head asked.
“Hm, heh, heh, heh, yeah I gotta pee all I can pee!” Beavis said loudly. This ticked off the soldier, who replied sarcastically, “Real funny, kid,” as he walked back over to his friend. “Hey Jim! I’m hittin’ the head!”
“Yeah, I gotta pee all I can pee!” Jim said back.

Beavis and Butt-head walked away, trying for several minutes to find the bathroom. They knew it was called something different in the army, like the “mess hall” or the “barracks”. They came to two large double doors, that read “Mess Hall”.
“This must be the bathroom,” Butt-head said.
“Hm yeah. It makes more sense, because like, it’s where you go to make a mess, you know what I’m sayin’?” explained Beavis.

As the two entered the mess hall, they noticed several more posters of “Uncle Tom”.
“Da** it, that Uncle Tom dude keeps showing up. I wonder if he’s like, somewhere around here,” Butt-head wondered stupidly.
“I wonder if he’s scoring with some of the chicks around here. That would be cool, heh heh!” Beavis fantasized.

Beavis and Butt-head walked over to the “communications room”.
“I wonder if this is like, the house where Uncle Tom is being held. Let’s go talk to these people,” Butt-head declared. He picked up a radio and said, “Hi, is this, like, Uncle Tom?”

The man on the other end of the radio didn’t know who it was. “Who is this? I’ve been trying to fix the radios for a half hour! What the he**’s going on over there?”

“Uh, has anyone ever told you that you sound boring on the radio? Can you, like, shut up, and tell me where Uncle Tom is?” Butt-head said crudely.

The man on the other end of the radio got exasperated, saying, “It’s Uncle Sam, not Uncle Tom. Da** it, who is this? Who’s your drill sergeant?”
“Uh, I don’t know,” Butt-head said.
“If he doesn’t have anything funny to say, hang up on him!” Beavis told Butt-head.
“Um, um, YOU SUCK!” Butt-head yelled at the soldier, hanging up on him. “This place is starting to suck. Let’s get out of here, Beavis.”

Beavis and Butt-head strutted out of the army base, oblivious to the calls to come back by army authorities. They saw a tank sitting in front of the base, an M1A1 Abrams.
“Hey Beavis. Let’s go in that tank! Maybe there’ll be some chicks!”
“Yeah! Yeah! We’re gonna score!” Beavis said enthusiastically. They climbed on the tank, got in the turret, and swung the hatch shut.
“Where’s all the prostitutes?” Butt-head wondered. “I wonder if this button calls the chicks to us!” he said as he pressed a large red button. The tank fired a large, explosive projectile that exploded on the mess hall.
“Da** it, Butt-head! You scared away all the prostitutes!” Beavis glared at Butt-head. “Let’s get outta here, Beavis. This tank sucks!” Butt-head said.

Walking away from the surviving pursuers, the gruesome twosome decided to go back to Highland, their hometown. Arriving back at their school, the two saw their former hippie teacher, Mr. Van Driessen, leading an anti-war protest. He was holding a sign that had a line drawn through Uncle Tom.
“Beavis, Butt-head! What are you two doing here?” Van Driessen asked politely, surprised to see them.
“Heh heh, hey Butt-head, it’s Uncle Tom,” Beavis said.
“Uh huh huh huh, yeah, did you capture him?” Butt-head asked.
“I’m not an assassin, boys. I didn’t take “Uncle Sam” away,” Van Driessen explained.
“Heh, you said “a**”,” Beavis laughed uncontrollably.
Laughing like hyenas, the two scared the he** out of Van Driessen. “You two need to grow up and figure out a meaningful career. Looking for Uncle Tom isn’t gonna get you anywhere. He’s not even alive.”
“Heh heh, hey Butt-head, he must’ve killed Uncle Tom!” Beavis said.
“Yeah. You’re going to he**!” Butt-head declared.

The End





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