The REAL Gorn Story

Captain’s Log: Stardate 53298.4
Today was not only a great day for the diplomatic missions of the United Federation of Planets, but was
also a day of radical rewriting of records. The Gorn Hegemony, a cluster of worlds in the Beta Quadrant of the galaxy, borders both the Federation and the Klingon Empire. And, with the rising growth of both superpowers, the Hegemony has decided to join one of these star-nations, so as to keep up with the rest of the galaxy. Emissaries were sent to both the Federation and the Empire, and the U.S.S. Nautilus received its Gorn emissary today. However, the emissary, To’Bii, also brought along an unexpected guest. And the resulting conversation between To’Bii and Hector and Victor Tatum, technical officers aboard the Nautilus, resulted in the greatest rewriting of Federation records in history.
The diplomatic relations between the Federation and the Gorn Hegemony have always been shaky, ever
since Starfleet’s first contact with the Gorn on Cestus III resulted in the Gorn destroying the Federation outpost there. The Gorn were under the impression that Starfleet was an invading force, with the desire to conquer the Gorn. One misunderstanding led to another, and to complicate matters, both Captain James Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise and the Gorn captain were plucked from their vessels by a mysterious being known as Metron and forced to fight on a remote desert planet. Captain Kirk won against his Gorn counterpart, and both superpowers went there separate ways. It was not until years later that the Federation dared to attempt diplomacy with the Gorn Hegemony. This record has served as the definitive source on information for both the Gorn and Metron species for years, but the simple conversation that happened aboard the U.S.S. Nautilus that day completely altered the legitimacy of that record. Here is the conversation as recorded by Officer Hector Tatum.

HECTOR: Hey, is this thing on?

VICTOR: How should I know? Look sharp, baby brother, the emissary’s supposed to arrive here any minute now. I don’t anything to go wrong because you were fiddling with some recording device.

HECTOR: There, I think I got it. Hey, where do you get off calling me baby brother, anyhow?

VICTOR: What? I came first, didn’t I?

HECTOR: Only by a minute.

VICTOR: Still counts.

HECTOR: No it do-

VICTOR: Ah, hey, look, he’s coming! He’s coming!

HECTOR: How do you know it’s a he? What? It’s a legitimate question? No need to look nasty.

VICTOR: Heck, if you ask this person what gender they are, so help me God, I will-

TO’BII: I am a male.

HECTOR and VICTOR: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

TO’BII: It is fine. It is a legitimate question. Our species are quite different physically. Though the question is also quite tactless, so I suppose that both of you are right.

VICTOR: Ah, um, welcome to the U.S.S. Nautilus, emissary….

TO’BII: To’Bii. My name is To’Bii.

VICTOR: Huh, that’s actually a human name too, though I guess it might be spelled differently.

TO’BII: Really? Fascinating, and what exactly is a Nautilus?

VICTOR: It’s a…um…kind of like a squid, only with a shell.

TO’BII: Really? And you name a ship after this?

VICTOR: Actually, this ship is named after the famous aquatic vessel, so a fish would be a good name for that.

TO’BII: But you said a Nautilus is a squid.

VICTOR: Oh, um…..

HECTOR: Who’s your friend, To’Bii?

VICTOR: Heck!

TO’BII: Ah no, it is quite alright. You must forgive her. This is the first time she has ever seen an alien that was not a Gorn. Say hello, Roz.

ROZ: H-hello

HECTOR: Hiya, Roz. My name’s Hector Tatum. This is my twin brother Victor.

ROZ: Hector…Victor.
HECTOR: So what is she doing with you, To’Bii?

TO’BII: She is the daughter of a great friend of my father’s. When I was chosen for emissary duty, my father’s friend asked Roz to accompany me. I suppose it was so that Roz could be an unofficial emissary for the Metrons.

HECTOR and VICTOR: THE METRONS!?!?!

TO’BII: Yes. Why have you backed away?

HECTOR: You’re not going to blow us up, are you Roz?

ROZ: No! Where did you-

TO’BII: How rude! What could possibly make you people that Roz is some sort of menace?

VICTOR: It’s just that….well, the only records about Metrons that Starfleet has….well, it says that they’re basically gods.

TO’BII: What? How ridiculous? How could you arrive…wait. Wait. Hahahahahaha

HECTOR: What?

TO’BII: You must be referring to the Metron.

ROZ: The Metron? Ohhhh….yes that would explain it. Hahaha

VICTOR: Um….what…what are you talking about?

TO’BII: Well, all Metrons do have esper abilities, to a certain degree, but nothing like the abilities of a god. But then one Metron gained enormous power, power beyond that of any Metron before him. He started to call himself Metron, as he believed that he was the collective consciousness of the entire species, and he barred any visitors from the Metron Consortium. Even we Gorn, who had been allies to the Metrons for centuries, were kept out. Then there was the incident regarding your Captain Kirk and our Captain Agave.

HECTOR: Yeah, on Cestus III, where you thought we were invaders and attacked us.

TO’BII: Yes, mistakes were made on both sides that day. But anyways, it had been a good day for Captain Agave that day. His son had just graduated from Layfus academy, that is like our version of a Starfleet academy, with top honors, and also, that day was the day of Zwellni, where we Gorn celebrate the cycle of life with much debauchery. Captain Agave ordered for there to be a costume party onboard the ship, and drinks for everyone!

VICTOR: Wait, a costume party?

TO’BII: Of course. You were not under the impression that all Gorn wore that ridiculous-looking spotted garb, did you?

VICTOR and HECTOR: Um………..

TO’BII: Anyways, there was a wonderful party, and Captain Agave got very, very drunk. He had to step aside and let Vice-Captain Nin’Tal take over when the Salinvan ran into your Federation on Cestus III. Then your Enterprise gave chase, and we were forced into Metron space. Of course, Metron did not like that. He plucked our Captain Agave and your Captain Kirk away and transported them to Regius, a desert planet. The crew of the Salinvan was very distressed by this, as Captain Agave was still dead drunk.

VICTOR: Wait, he was drunk the whole time?

TO’BII: Of course. Captain Kirk saw how sluggish and uninhibited Captain Agave was. You did not think we were all like that, did you?

VICTOR and HECTOR: ….

TO’BII: Yes, if Captain Agave were not so drunk, I do not think your Captain Kirk would have lasted 10 seconds against him. Is there any way that I might meet him?

HECTOR: Who, Captain Kirk? Sorry, but he died during the Enterprise-B’s maiden voyage.

TO’BII: Really? Oh, I am very sorry to hear that. Captain Kirk is looked upon with great respect in our society. He is the only reason we considered diplomatic relations with you.

HECTOR: What? Really?

TO’BII: Yes, I believe that we even have a statue of him built on my homeworld, Nekh’Hann.

VICTOR: Why?

TO’BII: Because he demonstrated the greatest virtue of war, mercy. War is a large part of the Gorn culture, and though Captain Kirk was not a Gorn, he demonstrated Gorn honor by letting Captain Agave live. We built a statue of him to remind us that all aliens were not evil invaders, and that we might consider diplomatic ties to the rest of the galaxy.

HECTOR: Wow, that’s really deep.

TO’BII: Deep?

VICTOR: Never mind. I guess we both still have a lot to learn from one another, To’Bii.

TO’BII: Yes, I suppose that you are right. I hope that I enjoy my time on this vessel. Would you mind helping me with my bags?

VICTOR: Oh, not at all, would we, Hector?

HECTOR: Oh, of course not.

TO’BII: Thank you. Come, Roz, let us explore our new home.





Join the Discussion

This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

Vati 1 said...
Dec. 17, 2011 at 3:31 pm
I think this is more than slightly amusing and worth the accumulation of these words of admiration. The author has talent, an obvious result of superior genetics!
 
The_Earl_of_Zerces replied...
Dec. 18, 2011 at 10:14 am
Um, thank you, but I don't believe in eugenics. I appreciate the kind words, though!
 
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