Harry Potter And the Deathly Bowels

July 11, 2011
By , Mumbai, United States
Harry: I am the Chosen One. I am the One who Survived. And I am… <with a dramatic song in the background, preferably 'We are the Champions' by Queen> HARRY POTTER!! (with a bored expression), though I don’t really want to be.

Voldemort (In his evil, high pitched voice): Harry Potter! We meet, at last.

Harry (with a shudder); Y-yeah.

Voldemort: I’m gonna kill you.

Harry starts backing slowly and bumps into Hermione. Relief dawns on to him.

Harry: Haha. I can fight you with Expelliarmus you filthy little cockroach!.

Voldemort: You dare---

Hermione: Harry! Hogwarts: A history states that you cannot duel with the Dark Lord in the premises of Hogwarts.

Voldemort turns to Hermione: Eh?

Hermione: Oh, don’t tell me you haven’t read Hogwarts: A history. I read it in my first year.

Voldemort: I’ll tell you what I learned in my first year. Avada Kedavra!

Hermione flinches. But doesn’t die.

Hermione: Haha. LOSER.

Voldemort: Wait. I must’ve said something wrong. Avada Kedavra!

Hermione jumps up and down: Yikes Harry! I’m the Girl Who Survived.

Harry: Oh crap. That means I’m no special. There was something wrong with this bald head case.

Voldemort: Come on. I don’t look that bad. If you’re a girl who likes chalk-white guys who have brown, decaying teeth, red eyes, no nose and no hair; I’m the One for ya. <Winks at Hermione>

Ron: Watcha say to my girl?

Voldemort: Don’t you dare talk to me, red head. You can’t even speak my name.

Ron: I CAN!

Harry: But Ron, you never have.

Ron (in a small voice): That’s because I couldn’t pronounce it right.

Enter, Sybill Trelawney.

Sybill: Ah, Harry! I see it at last. The prophecy that I’d made a few years before has come back to me.

Voldemort: What is it? WHAT IS—

Sybill: Yo yo yo. Hold on mate. I’m old and cranky. I might lose my bangles any moment now. Don’t get so hyper. What are you, a third grader?

Voldemort: Sorry.

Sybill: Yeah. Here goes.

The One to vanquish the Dark Lord will reproach.
Proclaim that the Dark Lord is a filthy cockroach
The Dark Lord will mark him as his equal
And have his fat books made into seven sequels
Either must die by the end of the rope
Though, I personally wish that both of them croak
Alas, neither can live while the other survives
There, out in the open, your fate lies.

Harry: Okay. Um… I really need to go to the toilet.

Hermione: But Harry. You haven’t eaten anything since the past 24 hours.

Harry (under his breath): I have unusual bowels Hermione.

Voldemort: Oh looky here. Harry is running away. Unlike Lilly who danced disco in front of me before I killed her.

Harry: Expelliarmus!

Voldemort (in a bored voice): Avada Kedavra!

The wands connect. Hot springs jump out. Dead people emerge and merge. A few look around; a few socialize. Hermione keeps on stealing glances at Cedric; Ron keeps on scowling.
Harry looks around. Oh crap! There is no portkey this time. Where will the tremendous trio + Prof. Trelawney go?

An odd gurgling sound. A loud hiss and a lot of smell.

Harry: Voldemort?

Voldemort: Hmm?

Harry: I really really need to go to the loo. Can you give it a rest for a while?

Voldemort: I guess. You let go first.

Harry: No, you first.

Voldemort: HARRY! You first. Look. Of it hadn’t been for me; you wouldn’t have been famous.

Harry, after a while. : Oh, alright then.

Harry lowers his wand. The ghost like people look disappointed, say their final farewells and dissolve into thin air.



Something falls to the ground. A girl screams.

A boy whimpers.

And a stomach grumbles.

Voldemort lies on the ground, eyes and mouth still intact (thankfully).

Harry: Wait. Whoa.

He walks over to the limp form of voldemort and kicks his shins.

Harry: He’s really croaked.

Enter Dumbledore.

Harry: Professor! Did you see? I killed him! I KILLED VOLDE-

Dumbledore: Harry, I hate to break this to you but… There was another horcrux. He isn’t dead.

Harry: WHAT?

Dumbledore: Yes Harry. And just so you know, you didn’t kill Voldemort. His stupid wand backfired.

Harry: Oh. Crap.

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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

Writomania This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 21, 2011 at 9:07 am
work of genius :P
RockGirl182 said...
Aug. 10, 2011 at 1:31 am
Haha, this is cool. Good job, but I'm not crazy about the end. It's like you cut it off and there wasn't a real ending. What happens, does voldemort never die or will harry destroy the horcrux ? Other then the ending, this is very funny and the phrophecy had me laughing so hard I was worried about my bowels ;) Great work, 4 out of 5 stars. :)
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