June 25, 2011
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"Turn away,"
Frank warned Gerard, who instantly did as ordered. The once dark brown haired man barely gave a wince of pain as the needle bit into his skin. He gave a soft exhale as the morphine softened his pain and his world.
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
"Gee could you get me a drink?" Frank asked softly to which Gerard nodded and helped his husband to drink. Frank gave him a faint smile, his eyes looking so weary from fatigue and pain. The singer gave him a sorrow filled smile of his own, before leaning down and kissing his husband's now almost non-existent lips.
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
"Didja go through all of my stuff?" Frank inquired another smile coming to his lips when Gerard took hold of his hand. Gee's hand was so warm and full of life, he could feel his vitality pouring into him. The older man nodded and before the singer could start in on the futile hope that Frank would live, the short man demanded:
"And bury me in all my favorite colors,"
Gerard gave a humorless chuckle
"We'll have to bury you naked then, your tattoos have all your favorite colors. Besides your inked enough to look like you're wearing clothes." He teased trying to lift the black mood that always settled over them when they talked of Frank's fast approaching death.
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.
But of course even this happiness was to be short-lived for Frank's family came not soon after. The women of course all wanted kisses from Frank, for they saw Death standing beside his bed. But Frank turned his face away from them all declaring that their kisses would be the final nail in both his coffin and his heart. This slow dying was already emotionally tearing him apart; he wanted no more agony added.
Now turn away,
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
Try as they might Frank's family could only bear to be with him for two hours at a time. Any longer and anyone of them grew hysterical with tears and sorrow.
It was only Gerard, Mikey, Ray and occasionally Bob when he came by, who could spend an entire day with Frankie. The price of course was their sanity. The ghost of the once healthy Frank followed the four men as if he was their shadows. Everywhere anyone of the men looked healthy Frank would laugh and bound out of sight, playing an ever sickening game of hide and seek.
Oh, my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
When all of the family had quited the room Frank turned his tired eyes onto Gerard.
"How can you still kiss me Gerard? Why the hell did you marry me when you knew I had cancer?" Frank demanded wanting to know the answers to the questions they had both been avoiding for a while.
"Well frankly Frank because I love you and I know what you're like on the inside. You're still that jerk who hurts himself every concert. Here in this hospital bed? You're still my Frank only now your body is your prison." Here is where Gerard stopped to collect his emotions. "So there's why I still kiss you and the reason I married you." Gee abruptly stated stroking Frank's knuckles with his thumb. Frank visibly relaxed a weight obviously having been lifted from his shoulders after hearing his husband's words.
But counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
Gee knew that when all left and Frank was alone with his thoughts he counted the days until he was supposed to die. This cancer had wasted him too much for Frank to have any hope in surviving.
"Oh Frank I've got new songs to show you!" Gerard suddenly remembered grabbing Frank's laptop from where it resided by his bed. Frank looked at him expectantly, loving when Gee showed him new music. It was one of the few things Frank looked forward to.
Getting onto Youtube Gee pulled up a song by some band named Oomph! The song name was in German so he didn't know what it meant, but it didn't matter. As soon as Frankie heard the singer's baritone voice he loved the song for it sounded both mournful and partially angry. Perfect for what Frank felt on the inside at times. When he had the energy for emotions.
And I just hope you know
That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)
Gerard showed Frank a variety of Oomph! songs and the cancer ridden man could not help but feel this was Gee's way of subtly telling him goodbye.
"Gerard." Frank interrupted the song pressing pause.
"Yes?" Gee faltered wondering why he had stopped the music.
"Just say it." Frank stated dully to which Gerard feint stupid.
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
"Don't act stupid with me, you know what I mean." Frank snapped really becoming quite weary of this charade that he was going to live past today. A look of utter anguish made its home in Gerard's expression but he quickly evicted it, putting on a brave face.
"I love you Frankie, so long and goodnight." Gee said singing the last part of the sentence, the lyrical reference making both men give wry smiles.
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
"Love you too Gee." Frank replied keeping his eyes open when his husband kissed him. He soaked in the last look of Gerard's face before almost hesitantly Gerard broke the kiss. Frank closed his eyes and settled himself as if he was merely going to bed.
"Sweet dreams." The older man whispered kissing his cheek before turning out the lights and cuddling up to Frankie, knowing he would not want to die alone.

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MyChemicalNomance said...
Feb. 16, 2016 at 2:12 pm
Tears2Roses said...
Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:01 pm
You made me cry! That was very beautiful and sad. 
PasoFinoPower replied...
Sept. 24, 2013 at 8:15 pm
I'm not usually a fan of Frerards, but this is just outstanding! Very well done! Very sad, I love it
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