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Dear Prince Charming, you're a charmer
Dear Prince Charming,
Forget Cinderella, Sleeping beauty, and Snow white and well all the other Princesses you’ve been with. Who you really should be with is me. Yeah, I messed up that’s the real reason I’m up in this tower that’s like a billion feet tall and a dragon as a bodyguard. But I promise you I will be worth it. My parents are telling everyone they locked me up here because I’m so beautiful and they want to find a Prince worthy enough to find me, but the truth is I cut my little sisters hair off while she was asleep because it was getting almost as long as mine. Come on now, my hair makes me who I am. That little girl doesn’t need the fame, she already has enough. And I may have stuck gum in Cousin Greta’s hair, but well she thinks she did that. So it’s okay. But please, please come rescue me and swoop me off into the sunset in your white horse soon because I’m really not getting any cell phone reception up here it sucks. I tried to send you and well a bunch of other princes texts, but it’s just not going through and I’m …having to hand write this. Ugh.
P.S Bring me season 3 of Teen Mom, I need detz oh and if you’re planning to rescue me you can’t climb up my hair like you’ve heard, bring a tall ladder. I don’t want your muddy shoes on my beautiful hair.
Dear Prince Charming,
It’s me, Belle. The beast isn’t really keeping me happy. I really like my men rough that’s why I was secretly happy he kept me captive while he was an angry monster. I love my men rough and feisty. Now he’s just…too kind. We have tea parties every Thursday Night and he leaves roses on my bed every morning. This relationship is getting way too cutesy and I don’t like it. He cries every time we argue and he is way too clingy and obsessive. People say it’s love but I say I need freedom. Are you down to party with me and go to the annual ball as my date? Pick me up at 8 in your pumpkin carriage. I heard you have satellite radio and air conditioning.
Prince Charming let out a lengthy sigh after reading these two letters. These princesses are desperate like no other. And they’re so much older.”Just because the movies and books portray me as the perfect love and I’m entitled to all of Atlantis, the four kingdoms, and the Mcdonald’s franchise, these princesses throw themselves at me, have some class, jeeze.” Prince Charming logged into his “Royal book” account. “5 friend requests” it said. He looked at the friend requests from: Pocahontas, Mulan, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Aladdin; The Desperate Housewives of Disney.
“I for one don’t know what’s wrong with these people. They call themselves royalty?” Prince Charming thought out loud. He sits with his macbook royal edition on his lap for at least an hour until he hears a door bell ring. Prince Charming opens it. There stands two of the most orange creatures he’s ever laid eyes on with a hump on their head. “Oompa loompas?” he asked. “Oh Prince Charmin’ you always been a charmer darling’. It’s us. Cindy-ella’s step sistas.” Replied one of them.
“Why are you guys so…orange?”
“Well dint ya hear, we’re now on the show, Jersey Shore.” Said Step sister number 2.
“But why are you so orange..?”
“No, the question is why aren’t you orange?”
“Don’t you want us now? We’re 20 times tanner, have poofs, and…”
“Look like you guys invented gonorrhea.” Said Prince Charming.
He shut the door on the oompa loompa sisters and logged into his email.
It’z me. S.B. Sleeping Beauty, Aurora. I’m not actually a “sleeping beauty”. It’s just I have a huge valium addiction which makes me fall asleep really quick. Oh and the addiction to oxycoden and percs don’t help either. My prince took forever to come and now that he’s here, he’s really boring. So all I do is sleep. I’ve been in and out of substance abuse rehab. I started abusing pain meds after I got out of rehab for coke. Lindsay Lohan got me addicted to it after we hung out at the “Freaky Friday” premiere. Any whom, I heard you were looking for a Princess? Well here I am. The girl of your dreams. Although, I have gained a little weight since my prime days, but 40 is the new 20. Yes, you’re 24, I’m 40, but haven’t you heard of the new…er what is it…tiger? Lion? OH Cougar. Yes, well my husband is away on a business trip so come over between now and well Sunday night. I’ll be waiting.
Xoxoxo SB aka Your sexy b****. (Isn’t that what you kids call it now a days ) See I can be hip too.