After Oliver

February 25, 2011
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

They don’t hurt anymore. I can look down at my body and I see them, the bruises, all over. But they don’t hurt like they did. Even when I press them hard with my finger they don’t hurt. Nothing does anymore. No tiredness or cold or hunger like before. Just a warm, happy feeling like sunshine, like what it must feel like on those foreign islands that rich men sometimes travel to. Like how it felt when he held me, really held me and not rough and hard like when he rank, which was always. When he held me gently, for no reason at all I felt like this, warm and safe, like sunshine.

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I dead I know. I must be. I remember how he hit me again and again under the bridge. I remember I was taking Oliver away from him. Poor Oliver, he looked so scared. When I looked at him I saw another child, a frightened, skinny little girl from a long time ago. I didn’t want him to end up the same way she did. But he came and he brought pain, so much pain. After a while I stopped feeling it. I started to just fade. I was so tired and all I wanted to do was sleep.

Well I’d never want to see you unhappy

Do you remember the nights you stayed out late doing I don’t ant to know what? I waited for you, every time I waited for you. I would have waited all night for you. And when you came back I didn’t ask questions or yell at you for coming back so late. I just ran to you and lost myself in your embrace. It didn’t matter what time it was as long as you came home. You said that no matter what you would always come home to me. Remember Bill?

I thought you’d want the same for me

I’d have waited a thousand years for you Bill.

We walked along a crowded street

Do you remember how we met? It was Fagin who brought us together. No matter how much I think I hate that old b****rd I will always love him for that. We were so young, not even ten years old. I was the youngest there, a skinny little girl with fear in her eyes. You were a little older then me. You had messy hair and a runny nose. And I loved you. Even then I did.

You took my hand and danced with me

Oh Bill do you remember when we were young? We thought we ruled the world. Back then the world was full of open wallets and wine waiting to be tasted and hours we could dream away together. There was no death or sadness or pain when we were young. And it didn’t matter that we were hungry and cold or that I only had one dress or that your coat was more patches then coat. We danced and sang and drank those things away. It was heaven. And you would laugh. You still laughed then, do you remember? And when you laughed, I laughed and nothing could be truly horrible as long as we were laughing together.

Images

I loved you so much Bill. I loved you more then I thought I could.

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget
These images

And when the bad days came I let them roll off my back like water. I knew that no matter how bad the day got I would always be able to come home to you.

Well I’d never want to see you unhappy

And there were bad days. You were a different person on those days. You would yell and swear and break things. You would hit me. Then you would leave the house and not look back. I would cry because ever time you left I thought you would never come back. You did come back, every time. You came with apologies and kisses and I forgave you. I always forgave you.

I thought you’d want the same for me

The next morning I’d hide my bruises under a shawl.

Then came Oliver, my dear sweet Oliver. I loved him too, so much it hurt. He was the angle child I never had, would never have. You hated him. I think that like me you saw yourself in him. You saw a past you wanted to forget. You tried to hurt him. I would let you so you hurt me. And that time you didn’t apologize.

Goodbye my almost lover

You walked out of the room head held high and back to me. You acted awfully proud for a criminal.

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I had hidden all the bad things you had done in the furthest corner of my mind. After that night I began to let them come out.

I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?

More of those nights came and you just got worse. Until that night under the bridge. You went past the point of no return. You hit me a little too hard. You lost me forever.

Goodbye my luckless romance

I saw what they did to you after I halfway woke. Someone had cut you down but they left the rope around your neck. They left you lying in the street like a dog. They didn’t even close your eyes.

My back is turned on you

I kissed you softly then, dead lips on dead lips. And I cried. I cried because there were only two places that you could be, besides the in-between like me. And I had a good idea where you were.

Should have known you’d bring me heartache

God if you’re there I hope you know that he wasn’t always that. He was a good man that life turned bad. Like Fagin told me once, “We all get dealt a hand in life. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. You and me got a bad hand Nancy. We just have to live with it.” Bill got dealt a bad hand too.

Almost lovers always do

Bill I hope you know that I forgive you. And if there’s any justice in this world I’ll see you again. And if I do there won’t be any more pain or sadness like before. You can laugh again, you can dance with me like you did. But for now I can only wait and pray that god will let me end with you. And I pray that he kept my little Oliver safe.

Almost lovers always do.

I love you Bill.





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