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Four Twilight Books, Shortened With A Twist

"Just because I resist the wine doesn't mean I can't enjoy the bouquet." Edward murmured passionately. Bella's eyes widened in horror.
"How dare objectify me! Do you do this every girl you bring to this meadow?!?!" She demanded.
"Only the hot ones!" Edward protested indignantly.
Bella's fist connected with Edward's angular jaw. The crunch of bones reverberated across the meadow, audible to all creatures. He jerked, in surprise.
"What the @#$&!" Edward exclaimed, as Bella cradled her broken hand. She stumbled away, tears sliding down her bland face.
***
Bella considered returning to her house, but thought Charlie would hinder more than help the situation. So she set off for Jacob's, wanting nothing more than a normal friend to talk to for once.
***
Billy tried to stop her, but Bella shoved past the crippled man and ran into Jacob's room sobbing, "Jacob, Jacob! Edward broke my hand and my hea-" Bella broke off at the spectacle before her.
A huge wolf sat before Jacob's computer, trying to type his status (I'm hungry) into facebook with his nose.
"What the @#$&!" burst from her lips.
The wolf grabbed a blanket in his jaws and laid across his lap. Suddenly it was Jacob, wearing only the blanket.
Jacob proceed to explain (as he dressed), it was a welcome change from all the question dodging Edward had done.
When he finished he inquired, "Do you hate me now?"
"Actually, I have a thing for weirdoes." Bella said with a grin.
Relieved, he embraced her. Bella didn't shy away, even when he crushed her broken hand, all she did was inhale sharply.
***
Over the course of the next few days Bella ignored Edward, while fawning over Jacob. Things proceeded fairly quickly from there. When she wasn't at Jacob's house he was at hers. The best part was that, unlike Edward, Charlie approved of Jacob. This only made the wedding come sooner.
***
Bella knew the wedding was happening as soon as possible (when the cast came off), but she was still impatient. Of course all the wedding planning meant that she and her fiance were spending quite a lot of time together.
"Should we invite him?" Bella sighed.
"Well he did break your hand not too long ago," Her fiance pointed out.
"Yes, I suppose. Okay we aren't inviting the Cullens."
"Well I thought you and Alice were pretty close," Jacob declared.
"Okay we can invite Alice."
"Well that means Jasper has to come along."
"Fine Jasper too," Bella replied.
"You like Emmet more than Jasper, don't you? If you are going to invite Jasper you have to invite Emmet."
"Well I guess that will work," Bella hesitated.
"Which means Rosalie is definitely coming."
"Yep."
"I thought you got a along with Carlisle pretty well, he did fix up your hand. And remember how Esmee brought you that ice-cream cone?" jacob said.
"So we'll just invite them too."
"That means.... we're inviting everyone you knew in Phoenix, your Mom, Phil, Charlie, almost the entire population of Forks (including Lauren), except Edward."
"Yep."
***
The wedding went just as planned... except for Edward. That darn leech showed up with a fake mustache at the end.
***
"Do you regret doing that to him?" Jacob asked.
Bella shook her head, "No, he deserved it."
Besides," She went on, "Now he really knows if he had a soul, or not."



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