The World According To Loony Tunes

August 2, 2010
A sampling of a few college courses in the Loony Tunes universe:

Acme is the only manufacturing company in the world.
The law of supply and demand: if someone demands an Acme product, it will be instantaneously supplied.
And… that’s pretty much it.

A villain never gives up. This would appear to be the product of short-term memory problems, or else they would learn from their mistakes.
The mind’s computing skills run on a time delay system of at least 2 seconds. This results in frequent double-takes.
Abruptly switching sides in an argument will always result in a villain’s destruction. (Person A: “Duck season!” Person B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Duck season!” B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Rabbit season!” B: “Duck season!”)

Snappy comebacks are natural and common.
Everything is taken literally. There are no idioms.
Only a basic reading level is necessary for survival- important words to know include TNT, DANGER- KEEP OUT, and FREE CARROTS.
If you don’t know how to read, you aren’t reading this, and that’s probably why you keep getting blown up/flattened/smashed/exploded.

Blinking is noisy.
Immortality is universal. Luck is not.
You assume the shape of everything you swallow.

Any dynamite, gunpowder, grenade, TNT, gasoline, nitroglycerin, or other combustible material will always eventually explode, ignite, or spontaneously combust. There are no duds.
If you find yourself in an enclosed, dark space, you are in (A) a tunnel with a train approaching, (B) a cannon. Exception: if you light a match to see, you are in a dynamite storage room.
Homemade catapults are very unreliable.
Everything will backfire if you’re the bad guy.

For every action, there is a greater and opposite reaction. Therefore, a cannonball will move three feet and the cannon ends up in Beijing.
Any piece of something will automatically act as a whole: a disconnected section of railway track will carry a train, a painting of a road will produce a car, or a Burmese tiger trap will come with a Burmese tiger.
The heaviest matter in the universe is that belonging to an anvil.
The equation for speed is BG2F= T, where BG represents the bad guy, 2F represents an excessive rate of movement, and T represents toast.
Exception to gravity: Occasionally, a piece of a whole that is intended to fall (such as a sawn-off tree branch, a cliff ledge you break off, or a wooden circle you saw out) will hang in midair while the surrounding items (the tree, the cliff, the stage) will drop away. This only applies, however, when the hero is standing on the small section.
All rules and/or laws are subject to change without notice.
Gravity does not apply until after you realize you are subject to it.

Join the Discussion

This article has 26 comments. Post your own now!

. said...
Feb. 23, 2014 at 4:34 pm
This is good stuff!
Mtrench7809 said...
Jul. 8, 2012 at 1:12 am
I wish the world worked like this just for a day so we could tell the villians apart from the heros and laugh about how we would never die.
Artgirl1999 replied...
Mar. 12, 2013 at 9:39 am
Hey you forgot this one: It takes two seconds to heal from any injury. Favorited it!
iTide said...
Mar. 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm
Sooo TRUE!
ScarlettRose390 said...
Mar. 22, 2012 at 10:37 am
This makes perfect sense. If a Looney Tunes college course ever comes to exist (which wouldn't surprise me, since there's a Zombie Apocalypse survival course) this would be the basics. Very funny. 
Epiclyawesome said...
Mar. 14, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Ha ha!!! This is awesome, and totally true :) Love your sense of humor!  Hey, could someone comment on my peice? It's called The Story of the Demons. If you do, I really appreciate it.
readaholic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 4, 2012 at 7:38 pm
LOL I love it!
4qui133 said...
Jan. 22, 2012 at 7:01 pm
i now consider myself a shameless fan. neep neep.
RedheadAtHeart This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 9, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Genius. Enough said. *favorites*
Loki17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 3, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Very witty.  Well done!
Hobbit@Heart said...
Nov. 28, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Funny... and sadly- very true. Love your writing!


yousaypotato... said...
Jul. 27, 2011 at 6:15 pm
EMis1123 said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 4:47 pm
This is amazing! And all so, so true! I love it!
Destinee This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 1, 2011 at 5:16 pm
LOL this is hilarious.

Hawthorn said...
Mar. 20, 2011 at 6:05 pm
Ahahahahahahahahahah!!! I love it!
InvisibleNerdGirl said...
Feb. 20, 2011 at 10:27 pm
Hahahahahaha!! Total awesomeness!! I loved Looney Tunes when I was a kid. :D
MysteryHeart said...
Dec. 8, 2010 at 1:32 pm
I love it you should have been voted #1 not #4
CaraBlane said...
Sept. 28, 2010 at 1:46 pm

I would have always liked to live in Looney Tune land, but now that I see all of this, I am pretty sure that being one wouldn't be all it is cracked up to be.


apocalyptigirl said...
Sept. 14, 2010 at 10:54 pm
Hahahaha, this is brilliant. Quirky and totally true, original topic = yay! Love it! The only wierd thing was why the numbers weren't lined up with the things they represented on the list...
Imaginedangerous This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 15, 2010 at 5:00 pm
One of the many formatting glitches that happen sometimes when you submit work. Grrrr... :)
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