The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1907 comments. Post your own now!

CrazyClimber said...
Oct. 21, 2009 at 6:08 pm
JaJa (that how they say haha in spanish countries) jaja, that was sooo funny, and just proves how wtupid twilight is.
EdytD said...
Oct. 19, 2009 at 7:18 pm
haha I love this!!! I find Twilight a bit lame, honestly, and this so accurately describes the way I phrase twilight every time. I love how you put in "anticlimactic" as edward's quote, because that's definitely one of the many faults of the book/movie. Great job!
caroline said...
Oct. 18, 2009 at 8:40 pm
HAHA!!! Could not stop laughing!!! Love this! Funny, truthful and completely appropriate.
Alycat07 said...
Oct. 18, 2009 at 12:12 am
this is soo creative and its hilarious!1 i love it!!
vejman said...
Oct. 17, 2009 at 2:14 pm
muustt stoopn laaggghhiiinnngg....
comedy90 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 16, 2009 at 10:11 pm
really funny and entirely true :D
kittycat said...
Oct. 14, 2009 at 6:32 pm
that was amazing i loved it !!!!!!!!!!!:)
LRachel said...
Oct. 14, 2009 at 3:31 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!! that was hilarious.
Mayolas said...
Oct. 13, 2009 at 8:13 pm
If you love the Twilight Series, you have to be able to laugh at yourself!
emmatheballerina said...
Oct. 13, 2009 at 1:54 pm
wow. I was not sure someone could tell 4 vooks in two minuutes great job!
Spellbinder said...
Oct. 12, 2009 at 12:48 am
I love Twilight, but I think this is seriously funny. xD
Elsa K. said...
Oct. 10, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Ha ha ha ha!
Warren_Uzumaki replied...
Nov. 11, 2009 at 10:23 am
i like twilight (yes i'm a dude ) yet that was the funniest thing ive seen in a while NICE!!!!
JonasLover89 replied...
Nov. 11, 2009 at 11:45 am
it's so nice to meet a guy who likes twilight! =]
Poems replied...
Nov. 16, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Garnet replied...
Nov. 21, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Absolutely hilarious and very witty!
I love Twilight but this was way too funny NOT to laugh at!
esist replied...
Jan. 3, 2010 at 12:18 am
That's was amazing...I just love people who do this kind of stuff to get back at the craziness Twilight set off.
Pensivegurl replied...
Jan. 9, 2010 at 7:16 pm
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! >.<
FinderOfAnswers replied...
May 16, 2010 at 4:09 pm
hahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha lol that was hilarious :)
Inkmusic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 28, 2010 at 2:43 pm
LOVE IT!!!! OH MY GAWD!!! XD. My friends are all going to love this, hahaha...
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