The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1902 comments. Post your own now!

legolas_elf said...
Oct. 28, 2009 at 4:26 pm
I absolutely hate twilight and this was just absolutely hilarious to me with all of the short, shallow, simplistic comments which very much mirrors twilight. This really made me crack up, keep up the good (and funny xD) work!
Sarquan said...
Oct. 28, 2009 at 7:09 am
HAHA! Truth. I used to love the Twilight series but then I read BD and realized how shallow and badly planned it is. Love this!!
Dara R. said...
Oct. 27, 2009 at 6:34 pm
omg...this is sosososo hilarious...this should be the movie...omg if you did one of harry potter i would die
Judith_Victorieuse said...
Oct. 27, 2009 at 12:05 pm
LucyM, you have a gift. You have effectively strained the 'Pop' out of 'Pop Lit' - quite an achievement.
BridgetD96 said...
Oct. 26, 2009 at 7:11 pm
This is so funny. Major props!
JessicaMollie said...
Oct. 25, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Quick question in regards to stage directions: if it starts with edward looking over his shoulder at bella, shouldn't he whirl around to face her, rather than the other way around?
Thanks, Jess
ButterflyHeart20 said...
Oct. 25, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Very nice script! I love it!
OneWithWords said...
Oct. 24, 2009 at 11:59 pm
I am like THEE biggest Twilight Saga fan EVER (not to make peeps mad :P) and... I think this is the funniest thing ever!! Especially since this basically is all there is to the books with a fun twist. I absolutely love it!! ♥
blooomeanie said...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 1:54 pm
all i can say is this: *thumbs up*
Gina K. replied...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 11:57 pm
im a Twilight fan too but this was amazingly funny
anonymousfish said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 9:08 pm
hahahahaa! I should hate you for bashing twilight, but i thought it was funny!!
IHSkid said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm
They should make this into a youtube video.... that would be sick,,,,
NinjaNina replied...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 2:38 pm
That would be AWESOME! LOL the best part would probably be the 'kill me edward' part... loved that.
123Taylor6 said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm
wow lol that was very interesting and Edward is very stupid.
123nikki6 said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm
This was great! i loved it!!
CrazyClimber said...
Oct. 21, 2009 at 6:08 pm
JaJa (that how they say haha in spanish countries) jaja, that was sooo funny, and just proves how wtupid twilight is.
EdytD said...
Oct. 19, 2009 at 7:18 pm
haha I love this!!! I find Twilight a bit lame, honestly, and this so accurately describes the way I phrase twilight every time. I love how you put in "anticlimactic" as edward's quote, because that's definitely one of the many faults of the book/movie. Great job!
caroline said...
Oct. 18, 2009 at 8:40 pm
HAHA!!! Could not stop laughing!!! Love this! Funny, truthful and completely appropriate.
Alycat07 said...
Oct. 18, 2009 at 12:12 am
this is soo creative and its hilarious!1 i love it!!
vejman said...
Oct. 17, 2009 at 2:14 pm
muustt stoopn laaggghhiiinnngg....
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