The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

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This article has 1898 comments. Post your own now!

a1bs2522 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 12, 2013 at 4:32 pm
AHAHHA I love this sooo much, thank god someone agrees with me! And I had thought that all teenage girls were swept up by the "love scenes"...hahaha this is so funny and depressingly accurate. Good work :)
bman_h said...
Nov. 12, 2013 at 11:26 am
This is gold. Pure gold.
flutterbye1888 said...
Nov. 2, 2013 at 7:10 pm
Oh, you make me laugh!!! I loved this, and I'm a semi-Twighard, so I probably shouldn't, hahaha! (I think she meant "bite me")
foxy_granny said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:25 pm
why waste your time reading the books and watching the movies when you can read this! This sums up Twilight perfectly. Very funny
Buurrry said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:24 pm
Best fan fiction ever! This is perfection
fadingintograyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 28, 2013 at 9:46 am
This was more enjoyable than any of the books. :)
that_one_brunette said...
Oct. 19, 2013 at 3:18 pm
This is hilarious and I love it XD It's so true though
Misha said...
Oct. 14, 2013 at 6:15 pm
OMG this was completely accurate and funny. I think alot of book series can be made into a 2 minute play. I loved this.
brianlovesminecraft said...
Oct. 11, 2013 at 11:03 am
    I am going to make this a video on youtube. I will let you know when
StarGazer9 said...
Oct. 8, 2013 at 4:15 pm
My gosh what has this world come to X)
ilovemycat12 said...
Oct. 8, 2013 at 2:40 pm
i love the Twilight movies! But i didnt enjoy this
Yume74 said...
Sept. 13, 2013 at 11:13 am
This is perfect and acurate. 
Kingsley-Wynn U. said...
Sept. 3, 2013 at 9:35 pm
As a person who watched the movie and read the book I completly agree with everything in this. Espesially Edward's blinding whitness.
NightStalker said...
Aug. 30, 2013 at 10:04 pm
This has been on the most discussed for months, good job.
Alabian said...
Aug. 28, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Oh hey, you should do this kind of thing with the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter or something! This was totally rad!
Alabian said...
Aug. 28, 2013 at 8:34 pm
I agree with Katelyn J. I have no interest in Twilight, but this made me laugh out loud! I'll be looking into more of your stuff :))
Maiko said...
Aug. 27, 2013 at 3:48 pm
Okay, this has got to be one of the best Twilight screenplays ever! Why couldn't make this the ending of the series~?!
Katelyn J. said...
Aug. 20, 2013 at 4:30 pm
I have never read/watched twilight, and I never will because I hate the ideas, but I love this!!!!!!!
PeriwinkleFallsSoftly This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 15, 2013 at 9:30 pm
Ahahahaha. This is so great and funny and creative. LOVE THE ENDING!
Christine K. said...
Aug. 14, 2013 at 3:24 pm
Hahaha. LOVE THIS.
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