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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



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This article has 1771 comments. Post your own!

C-rizzle said...
Oct. 31, 2012 at 11:39 am:
That was hillarious. Good job.
 
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. said...
Oct. 30, 2012 at 8:03 am:
Cannot stop reading this!!
 
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HiChanel said...
Oct. 26, 2012 at 7:05 pm:
This is the most amazing thing I've ever read. It feels goo to know I'm not the only one who thinks this movie is just not good. But what is good is this story. Keep writing.
 
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Amandaheartsonedirection This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm:
lol'd. You are funny!!!
 
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hopelessnostalgic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 23, 2012 at 8:59 am:
I love it. Just amazingly accurate and hilarious. I am ashamed to have watched those movies!
 
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Naomi P. said...
Oct. 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm:
Best. Thing. EVER.  
 
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hononeko said...
Oct. 22, 2012 at 1:01 pm:
I LOVE this. It's a perfect summary.
 
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ArtemisArty83This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 18, 2012 at 9:04 am:
Oh, my... I'm a Twihard and I agree with this! I  lol'ed so hard my teacher stared at me like wtf?!?
 
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skybean said...
Oct. 16, 2012 at 7:54 pm:
Haha.... So funny.. :)  
 
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Alecks said...
Oct. 12, 2012 at 5:45 am:
that is so funny! :)
 
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MarisaCoulterCrazyWriterThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm:
I absolutely love this!  It inspired me to submit a parody I wrote a long time ago that tooke me like seven months, about the Golden Compass. Please, give me feedback. But this is incredible :)
 
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JadeOcean said...
Oct. 2, 2012 at 5:03 pm:
Very good! A totally good representation of how silly the books were.
 
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FyndFyre said...
Sept. 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm:
Ha! Amazing!
 
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The_Quiet_Girl said...
Sept. 26, 2012 at 10:10 am:
Wow.....I had to struggle to keep myself from laughing in the middle of accounting class.
 
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Angel8645 said...
Sept. 26, 2012 at 9:24 am:
This is sooooooo funny!!! My friends and I do parodies and stuff like this all the time =)
 
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FieryAngelThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sept. 26, 2012 at 9:05 am:
since i am in school i got A LOT of wierd looks cuz i couldnt stop laughing i love this sooooooooo true
 
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BlueSunsetThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sept. 26, 2012 at 4:11 am:
Absolutely fantastic! You're very talented! x
 
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Heather173 said...
Sept. 23, 2012 at 5:48 pm:
Brilliant. 
 
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GreyNanD said...
Sept. 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH BEAUTIFUL :)
 
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FreelanceGirl said...
Sept. 10, 2012 at 6:19 pm:
I laughed way more than was probably appropriate . . . this is soo funny!!! And the pathetic part is, it's completely true. I kinda want to get some of my friends to do this with me now! THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS!!!!!!!!
 
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