The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.


[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1911 comments.


on Feb. 26 2014 at 6:52 pm
MissTarbet GOLD, Petersburg, Texas
14 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
Today you are you that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you.
-Dr. Seuss

This was hilarious and I loved it!

Virgil BRONZE said...
on Feb. 25 2014 at 10:09 pm
Virgil BRONZE, Bessemer City, North Carolina
2 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"...[T]he most desirable to do is the one in which there is the most trouble."

-Montaigne (The Taste of Good and Evil)

I read this about ten minutes ago and am still laughing...

Funne GOLD said...
on Feb. 22 2014 at 4:03 pm
Funne GOLD, Cleveland, Ohio
19 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I never ask a man what his business is, for it never interests me. What I ask him about are his thoughts and dreams."

-H.P Lovecraft

I've never read twilight or seen any of the movies and I enjoyed this.

on Feb. 22 2014 at 11:00 am
Maddiecrox BRONZE, Plymouth, Massachusetts
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment
Fabulous and very accurate  

on Feb. 15 2014 at 9:35 pm
writingsamstorys SILVER, Wallkill, New York
6 articles 2 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light"- Albus Dumbledore

Can i do a movie of this? I have the tools and i would send you the final product so you could do whatever you want with it. please reply. thnx!

on Feb. 14 2014 at 1:31 pm
specialkindofspecial BRONZE, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1 article 3 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I knew who I was this morning, But I've changed a few times since then" ~Alice in Wonderland

This is brilliant! 

EmiMo BRONZE said...
on Feb. 13 2014 at 8:54 pm
EmiMo BRONZE, Templeton, California
1 article 0 photos 2 comments
FABULOUS DARLING!!!

on Feb. 12 2014 at 7:00 pm
Bethany_Saint GOLD, Dexter, Maine
14 articles 0 photos 90 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Never regret something that once made you smile." - Amber Deckers

"Stories are more than just images. As you continue in the tale, you get to know the characters, motivations and conflicts that make up the core of the story...." - Livia Blackburne

*EDWARD shoots BELLA and JACOB face-palms* JACOB: I think she meant "bite me" EDWARD: Oh...

on Feb. 9 2014 at 3:11 pm
Draenaii BRONZE, Qualicum Beach, Other
4 articles 6 photos 1 comment
Made me giggle- thanks for that!

on Jan. 30 2014 at 3:08 pm
iimoeloveii GOLD, Augusta, Georgia
14 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
IF YOU CAN'T HANG THEN THERE'S THE DOOR-SLEEPING WITH SIRENS

lol lol lol  

on Jan. 22 2014 at 10:05 am
Demoderby PLATINUM, Pontiac, Illinois
28 articles 13 photos 93 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that we see or dream is but a dream within a dream
-Edgar Allen Poe

I was in school while I was reading tis so I had to try and laugh quietly. I thought this was really funny. PLEASE CHECK OUT MY WRITTEN ARTI CLES SOME TIME SOON. I NEED MORE VIEWERS OF MY NEWER STUFF. I HAVE ALOT ON MY LIST TOO. IF YOU READ ESCAPE PLEASE READ THEM IN ORDER (1-5 SO FAR) I HOPE YOU LIKE MY STUFF. COMMENT AND RATE MY WORK PLEASE. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF IT ALL.

on Jan. 20 2014 at 7:06 pm
WildBird BRONZE, Vienna, Virginia
4 articles 0 photos 1 comment
I was just sitting here, cracking up every couple seconds :')

lyricaldaze said...
on Jan. 20 2014 at 1:31 pm
lyricaldaze, Coralville, Iowa
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur.

Oh My God best thing ever!!!!!!!

Lanimal SILVER said...
on Jan. 12 2014 at 11:06 pm
Lanimal SILVER, Thornton, Colorado
7 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves."
-Edmund Hillary

I would so pay to see this in theaters. Seriously, this was hilarious! :)

RedWulf GOLD said...
on Dec. 17 2013 at 10:22 am
RedWulf GOLD, Hartland, Wisconsin
11 articles 1 photo 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
You say crazy like it's a bad thing.

Yeah, see, I would have rather seen this...

on Dec. 11 2013 at 8:08 am
Tara_Bites SILVER, La Porte, Texas
8 articles 1 photo 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Never take advice from teenagers. Because they don't know what the h*** they're talking about!" -Me

Haha this gave me a pretty good laugh!!! I <3 it

on Dec. 4 2013 at 10:26 pm
Bella.Electra PLATINUM, Phoenix, Arizona
23 articles 2 photos 6 comments
All these years and this is still my favorite thing I've read on this website.

Lilyann367 said...
on Nov. 25 2013 at 10:20 am
That would have been hilarious lol

J.R.Holliday said...
on Nov. 21 2013 at 2:40 pm
J.R.Holliday, Harland, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
I personally would rather have seen this script filmed...

pan1c BRONZE said...
on Nov. 12 2013 at 4:32 pm
pan1c BRONZE, New London, Connecticut
1 article 0 photos 28 comments
AHAHHA I love this sooo much, thank god someone agrees with me! And I had thought that all teenage girls were swept up by the "love scenes"...hahaha this is so funny and depressingly accurate. Good work :)




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