The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1891 comments. Post your own now!

Taylor123 said...
Jan. 10, 2010 at 11:46 am
omg that was so funny i love twilight and i still thought it was funny ur a flat out genuis :)
The~crayon~in~my~heart said...
Jan. 9, 2010 at 6:51 pm
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha~ that is absolutly hilarious! best thing ever!
Ebony_Rose replied...
Feb. 18, 2010 at 1:22 pm
Some friends and I are going to preform it for our little theater show here.... We will make sure to mention how hillarious it was when we read through it and how amazing the author is... :)
ajibike This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 5:06 pm
That's the funniest thing I have read in a while. Nice job. =)
MarinaNicole said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Wow, that is so funny. My math class listened to "So Happy Together" this morning! :)
yumichris said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 1:22 pm
i think you are amazing! i laughed so did my friend. i love you, you made my day...
aquagal replied...
Jan. 15, 2010 at 7:04 pm
This is so funny I really like the Voltie part in the book though.
Class of Patton said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 11:49 am
The whole class read this together and we all ROTFL. :D
ManekiNeko said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 9:16 am
gymnast.emily7 said...
Jan. 7, 2010 at 7:03 pm
This was sooo funny! My sister and I were laughing so hard. It was great!
L_Carshell said...
Jan. 7, 2010 at 1:23 pm
This. Was. Epic. I don't even like Twilight, and this has made my day entirely. Thank you.
awesomecutie714 said...
Jan. 7, 2010 at 11:16 am
this was sooo funny im still laughing hahahaha
kiwi12 said...
Jan. 3, 2010 at 3:41 pm
this made me laugh, even though i havent seen the movies or read the books.
I think it will amuse me forever!
Hay.467 said...
Dec. 30, 2009 at 5:47 pm
That's so totally hilarious!!! I can't stop laughing!
~*HopelesslyCrushed*~ said...
Dec. 30, 2009 at 12:00 pm
hahaha!! i love twilight but this was really funny!! :D great job!! :D
roczyyy said...
Dec. 28, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I read tha book twilight saga now mon and it's totally different by movie.I think you shoud to read tha book necessarily.Good luck!
This*Lit*Is*Bananas This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 28, 2009 at 8:24 am
lmao I'm laughing so hard right now. I liked the books, but I am NOT a Twilighter and I do do my fair share of fun-poking at Twilight....this was hilarious. Five stars as well! :D
PurpleMoonlight said...
Dec. 27, 2009 at 11:56 am
Lol! I'm not a Twi-hard, but I did sorta enjoy the books. Bella is so whiny, it's annoying. You really captured her in this little paraody. 5 stars!
alex9426 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 26, 2009 at 6:30 pm
wow this was hilarious!!! i loved it!!
Writer24 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 26, 2009 at 2:12 pm
This is a good 5 minute screen adaption. You should make it into a movie and post a link here!
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