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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1795 comments. Post your own now!

Sarquan said...
Oct. 28, 2009 at 7:09 am
HAHA! Truth. I used to love the Twilight series but then I read BD and realized how shallow and badly planned it is. Love this!!
Dara R. said...
Oct. 27, 2009 at 6:34 pm
omg...this is sosososo hilarious...this should be the movie...omg if you did one of harry potter i would die
Judith_Victorieuse said...
Oct. 27, 2009 at 12:05 pm
LucyM, you have a gift. You have effectively strained the 'Pop' out of 'Pop Lit' - quite an achievement.
BridgetD96 said...
Oct. 26, 2009 at 7:11 pm
This is so funny. Major props!
JessicaMollie said...
Oct. 25, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Quick question in regards to stage directions: if it starts with edward looking over his shoulder at bella, shouldn't he whirl around to face her, rather than the other way around?
Thanks, Jess
ButterflyHeart20 said...
Oct. 25, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Very nice script! I love it!
OneWithWords said...
Oct. 24, 2009 at 11:59 pm
I am like THEE biggest Twilight Saga fan EVER (not to make peeps mad :P) and... I think this is the funniest thing ever!! Especially since this basically is all there is to the books with a fun twist. I absolutely love it!! ♥
blooomeanie said...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 1:54 pm
all i can say is this: *thumbs up*
Gina K. replied...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 11:57 pm
im a Twilight fan too but this was amazingly funny
anonymousfish said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 9:08 pm
hahahahaa! I should hate you for bashing twilight, but i thought it was funny!!
IHSkid said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm
They should make this into a youtube video.... that would be sick,,,,
NinjaNina replied...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 2:38 pm
That would be AWESOME! LOL the best part would probably be the 'kill me edward' part... loved that.
123Taylor6 said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm
wow lol that was very interesting and Edward is very stupid.
123nikki6 said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm
This was great! i loved it!!
CrazyClimber said...
Oct. 21, 2009 at 6:08 pm
JaJa (that how they say haha in spanish countries) jaja, that was sooo funny, and just proves how wtupid twilight is.
EdytD said...
Oct. 19, 2009 at 7:18 pm
haha I love this!!! I find Twilight a bit lame, honestly, and this so accurately describes the way I phrase twilight every time. I love how you put in "anticlimactic" as edward's quote, because that's definitely one of the many faults of the book/movie. Great job!
caroline said...
Oct. 18, 2009 at 8:40 pm
HAHA!!! Could not stop laughing!!! Love this! Funny, truthful and completely appropriate.
Alycat07 said...
Oct. 18, 2009 at 12:12 am
this is soo creative and its hilarious!1 i love it!!
vejman said...
Oct. 17, 2009 at 2:14 pm
muustt stoopn laaggghhiiinnngg....
comedy90 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 16, 2009 at 10:11 pm
really funny and entirely true :D
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