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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1886 comments. Post your own now!

yumichris said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 1:22 pm
i think you are amazing! i laughed so did my friend. i love you, you made my day...
aquagal replied...
Jan. 15, 2010 at 7:04 pm
This is so funny I really like the Voltie part in the book though.
Class of Patton said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 11:49 am
The whole class read this together and we all ROTFL. :D
ManekiNeko said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 9:16 am
gymnast.emily7 said...
Jan. 7, 2010 at 7:03 pm
This was sooo funny! My sister and I were laughing so hard. It was great!
L_Carshell said...
Jan. 7, 2010 at 1:23 pm
This. Was. Epic. I don't even like Twilight, and this has made my day entirely. Thank you.
awesomecutie714 said...
Jan. 7, 2010 at 11:16 am
this was sooo funny im still laughing hahahaha
kiwi12 said...
Jan. 3, 2010 at 3:41 pm
this made me laugh, even though i havent seen the movies or read the books.
I think it will amuse me forever!
Hay.467 said...
Dec. 30, 2009 at 5:47 pm
That's so totally hilarious!!! I can't stop laughing!
~*HopelesslyCrushed*~ said...
Dec. 30, 2009 at 12:00 pm
hahaha!! i love twilight but this was really funny!! :D great job!! :D
roczyyy said...
Dec. 28, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I read tha book twilight saga now mon and it's totally different by movie.I think you shoud to read tha book necessarily.Good luck!
This*Lit*Is*Bananas This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 28, 2009 at 8:24 am
lmao I'm laughing so hard right now. I liked the books, but I am NOT a Twilighter and I do do my fair share of fun-poking at Twilight....this was hilarious. Five stars as well! :D
PurpleMoonlight said...
Dec. 27, 2009 at 11:56 am
Lol! I'm not a Twi-hard, but I did sorta enjoy the books. Bella is so whiny, it's annoying. You really captured her in this little paraody. 5 stars!
alex9426 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 26, 2009 at 6:30 pm
wow this was hilarious!!! i loved it!!
Writer24 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 26, 2009 at 2:12 pm
This is a good 5 minute screen adaption. You should make it into a movie and post a link here!
Fayrouz This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 23, 2009 at 11:19 pm
TOTALLY. MAKE IT INTO A MOVIE FOR YOUTUBE! have you seen the shortened romeo and juliet play?? you should! you would love it!
NovelistAnonymous said...
Dec. 23, 2009 at 4:55 pm
This was epic!
If this was made into a movie on Youtube I bet it would get 1,000,000+ views.
truelove4ever222 said...
Dec. 22, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Epically amazing. I was doubtful at first but that brightened my day. Good work, buddy! :P
Amour said...
Dec. 22, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Awesome!!!! It's hilarious and i loved it. Great job. ^^
AngelDreamer said...
Dec. 22, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Argh, my darned mouse accidentally clicked the fourth star instead of the fifth! This is quite hilarious, and it truly does wrap Twilight's plot up into a few lines. Bravo. ;D
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