The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes | Teen Ink

The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.


[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1984 comments.


on Mar. 14 2010 at 10:38 pm
creativityrules BRONZE, Lucknow, Other
4 articles 0 photos 29 comments
yeah....this was amazing.... but i must defend my fab book from trestonsgirl.... sweety, twilight's not gay ....

katniss SILVER said...
on Mar. 14 2010 at 10:06 pm
katniss SILVER, Bloomington, Indiana
6 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
Did you eat my socks

yay!! finaly a good twilight

on Mar. 14 2010 at 11:23 am
RyanDouglass GOLD, Geneva, Other
16 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."- Dr. Seuss

LOL. Amazing!

on Mar. 13 2010 at 5:57 pm
Drama_Queen13 DIAMOND, Nantucket, Massachusetts
51 articles 0 photos 108 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live Life Like A Song."

I'm an ex-Twilight-addict, and I thought I still didn't think Anti-Twilighter's stuff was that funny. You changed that XD

electricity said...
on Mar. 11 2010 at 3:37 pm
I love this! It's a complete summary of the twilight saga.. Great, you just made my day XD

on Mar. 11 2010 at 3:10 pm
secrets_of_silence GOLD, Gisborne, Other
12 articles 0 photos 439 comments

Favorite Quote:
life had i loved the more
had it but passed away
as quietly as the day
ebbs from the darkening star.


-emanuel litvinoff

heck yeah

i totally agree

on Mar. 11 2010 at 9:04 am
thestorycritic GOLD, Hyderabad, Other
12 articles 0 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live life King Size

Lol!! :) :).. Definitely going to my favourites!!! Nice one!! :D :D!!!

JeanGrey GOLD said...
on Mar. 10 2010 at 2:56 pm
JeanGrey GOLD, Mason City, Iowa
10 articles 0 photos 258 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."-Oscar Wilde

THAT....WAS...AWESOME!!!funniest thing about Twilight I ever read!

ItsAGiftShop said...
on Mar. 10 2010 at 9:43 am
ItsAGiftShop, Alliance, Florida
0 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"the wind tells of a story listen"

that was the funnyest twilight fan story im ever read!! and trust me i read alot lol

on Mar. 9 2010 at 4:39 pm
Dragonslayer5000 GOLD, Boise, Idaho
10 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Resistance is Futile." -- Borg saying in "Star Trek: Next Generation"

lol, Good job! :)

on Mar. 8 2010 at 5:58 pm
aaashleeeh BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain

Oh my goodness! This is awesome! Absolutely hilarious! I gotta give you props; you are now my hero.

on Mar. 8 2010 at 4:02 pm
magic-esi PLATINUM, Hyde Park, New York
27 articles 0 photos 231 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light."

This is absolutely hilarious! It's true, too (well, I can't speak for the end of it, but it reminds me of when I tried to read Twilight). You're a great writer!

on Mar. 8 2010 at 9:49 am
missca1229 GOLD, North Tonawanda, New York
11 articles 5 photos 31 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life makes my heart sing

You honestly just made my day. I agree with everything you said. Bella is a rollercoaster. It was humorous. I love it because it wasn't up the butt "I love Twilight! Mehhh". It was great

on Mar. 7 2010 at 12:09 pm
i_am_nobody SILVER, Belgrade, Montana
7 articles 0 photos 85 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be yourself, don't take anyone's sh*t, and never let them take you alive." -Gerard Way

omg's that was absolutly HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!

on Mar. 6 2010 at 2:37 pm
SpecialK BRONZE, Titusville, New Jersey
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

ROFLMAO Oh my gods this is hilarious!! And pretty accurate!

ColeK said...
on Mar. 5 2010 at 5:52 pm
ColeK, San Augstine, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We have doomed the Wolf not for what it is, but for what we have deliberately and mistakenly perceived it to be.. the mythologized epitome of a savage, ruthless killer.. which is, in reality no more than a reflexed images of ourselves." -Farley Mowat

too funny... I liked Twilight before it became so big and it good top see people make fun of it....

on Mar. 5 2010 at 5:06 pm
potentialgurl BRONZE, Quincy, Illinois
3 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

ROTFL HAHAHAHA!!! SOOOO FUNNY!

on Mar. 5 2010 at 5:03 pm
Syarra_Greenwood BRONZE, Andover, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
Smile, happy looks good on you!!! ( :

Wow! that was sooooo funny. i luved it and am going to share it with all of my friends.

Rose19 said...
on Mar. 5 2010 at 7:14 am
lol.. awesome !!

on Mar. 4 2010 at 5:57 pm
MusicIsLife013 SILVER, New York, New York
6 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Light, like the flutter of wings, feel your hollow voice rushing into me
As you're longing to sing" -AFI

"Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends, so take it easy on me I'm afraid you're never satisfied." -Neon Trees

that was the funniest thing ever!!!! :)