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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1870 comments. Post your own now!

alice! said...
Mar. 11, 2010 at 9:04 am
Lol!! :) :).. Definitely going to my favourites!!! Nice one!! :D :D!!!
JeanGrey said...
Mar. 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm
THAT....WAS...AWESOME!!!funniest thing about Twilight I ever read!
arellasinu said...
Mar. 10, 2010 at 9:43 am
that was the funnyest twilight fan story im ever read!! and trust me i read alot lol
Dragonslayer5000 said...
Mar. 9, 2010 at 4:39 pm
lol, Good job! :)
Ashley S. said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 5:58 pm
Oh my goodness! This is awesome! Absolutely hilarious! I gotta give you props; you are now my hero.
magic-esi This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 4:02 pm
This is absolutely hilarious! It's true, too (well, I can't speak for the end of it, but it reminds me of when I tried to read Twilight). You're a great writer!
missca1229 said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 9:49 am
You honestly just made my day. I agree with everything you said. Bella is a rollercoaster. It was humorous. I love it because it wasn't up the butt "I love Twilight! Mehhh". It was great
i_am_nobody said...
Mar. 7, 2010 at 12:09 pm
omg's that was absolutly HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!
SpecialK said...
Mar. 6, 2010 at 2:37 pm
ROFLMAO Oh my gods this is hilarious!! And pretty accurate!
Fallen said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 5:52 pm
too funny... I liked Twilight before it became so big and it good top see people make fun of it....
potentialgurl said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Syarra_Greenwood said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Wow! that was sooooo funny. i luved it and am going to share it with all of my friends.
Rose19 said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 7:14 am
lol.. awesome !!
MusicIsLife013 said...
Mar. 4, 2010 at 5:57 pm
that was the funniest thing ever!!!! :)
WhiteTigress replied...
Mar. 15, 2010 at 10:20 am
RLMAO that was awesome
inspiredpoet said...
Mar. 4, 2010 at 5:48 pm
Hilarious. great job
SilverSnowflakes said...
Mar. 3, 2010 at 2:56 pm
I like twilight - don't love it or hate it, and this was really funny! especially since I mis-read 'minutes' as 'minuets' and had this mental image of some people dancing two minuets during the play...
XenonG said...
Mar. 3, 2010 at 5:52 am
that was hilarious!!!! definitely going in my favorites!!
live.laugh.spaz said...
Mar. 2, 2010 at 5:44 am
this is SO FUNNNY xD :) you should really make a movie with this....its HILARIOUS ;D
BradTastic17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 28, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Wow, so funny! I love how even in this small excerpt of the saga, Edward had more personality than he did in the actual books. Thanks for the laugh.
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