The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1902 comments. Post your own now!

whysosirius said...
Mar. 31, 2010 at 7:55 pm
This made my day a lot better. You are now my hero. When Edward shoots Bella and Jacob face palms? Amazing.
Sarbear This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 31, 2010 at 7:42 pm
this is so funny! i now know that there is someone else out there that sees the "to die for" twilight saga is pretty corny. great job and check out some of my work too :)
thank_god_for_guava said...
Mar. 30, 2010 at 3:33 pm

You are a genius. And the song choices are great!

The dance-off is also a theme in my fanfics. Although I guess this is the opposite of a fanfic.

take1_step_@_a_time said...
Mar. 29, 2010 at 10:57 am
funny (: cant you see my eggo is pergo!
TheMightyZeus replied...
Apr. 13, 2010 at 6:27 pm



Stop it! cant you see? My Eggo Is Preggo!



Laughternchoclate said...
Mar. 25, 2010 at 5:21 pm
snap, losta comments... lol
Sandywolf said...
Mar. 22, 2010 at 6:49 pm
I wish I'd found this before wasting my life on the real series.
WiseGirl said...
Mar. 22, 2010 at 6:06 pm
I love it. You are hilarious!
CourtneyH said...
Mar. 21, 2010 at 11:32 am
this is so funny!
citylightsgirl93 said...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 6:55 pm
this was extremely funny! I am a twilight fan, but not one of those freaks who always talk about it and i dont agree with everything they did in the books and movies and so this was extremely funny to me! pls check out some of my stuff
Zanziblue replied...
Mar. 23, 2010 at 8:10 pm
I totally agree! Sometimes I like it, but, I'm not obsessed,
DivaStar8997 replied...
Mar. 31, 2010 at 8:31 am
ME TOO! I love Twilight, but the parodies are HILARIOUS!!! Team Edward, but Robert Pattinson looks like a foot. Taylor Lautner is yummy. :)
citylightsgirl93 replied...
Apr. 1, 2010 at 11:32 am
ahaha agreed [:
mkgirl395 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 20, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Imitation is the greatest form of flattery, right?
nutmeg212 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 18, 2010 at 7:44 pm
I found that HYSTERICAL!!!!
sadimcm said...
Mar. 18, 2010 at 12:59 pm
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
HughDavidson said...
Mar. 17, 2010 at 11:03 pm
Now I have no need to read Twilight! Thanks a bunch! :D
EcoWriter3 said...
Mar. 17, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Haha this is funny...and pretty accurate, too! :P
emajin96! said...
Mar. 17, 2010 at 8:30 pm
Ha, I love the Twilight books, but I have to admit, this is pretty funny... :)
renthead101 said...
Mar. 17, 2010 at 6:24 pm
Omg!!! i looove this! I used to be the typical twlight fan (no offense if you any is who is reading this) but am sick of it...this is so funny!!!
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