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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1775 comments. Post your own now!

KellyBelle said...
Jan. 15, 2010 at 10:26 pm
Fabulous. Simply Fabulous.
 
Emilot said...
Jan. 13, 2010 at 4:59 pm
Dudez! Go to the very bottom and see the add for Breaking Dawn!
 
Emilot said...
Jan. 13, 2010 at 4:57 pm
Hi! Whats up felllow peps?
 
eadams said...
Jan. 12, 2010 at 9:50 am
spot on! oh, mean, that was good! the Volturi or whatever thing was so disappointing too! I think Meyer just wrote herself with a "hot" vampire, changed her name in the script, and then realized "oh shi--- I need an antagonist!"
 
lostdreams replied...
Jan. 22, 2010 at 2:52 am
Oh definately. I swear to you, just look at what's her face in the movie and stephanie meyer. They look pretty much the same. It's insane.
 
mgs_92 said...
Jan. 11, 2010 at 10:50 pm
OMG!!! This is seriously the best thing I have ever read.
 
Emilot replied...
Jan. 12, 2010 at 11:10 pm
I know! Im a huge Twilight fan and I just laughed and laughed at that!!
 
the_Horsegirl This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 10, 2010 at 5:34 pm
That was hillarious! Though I've only read the first Twilight book, this seems more or less to sum up Stephanie Meyer's writing.
 
JHale_44 said...
Jan. 10, 2010 at 2:58 pm
So true. Great job.
 
maki:p said...
Jan. 10, 2010 at 1:49 pm
Totally acurate. Lol. I loved it.
 
Taylor123 said...
Jan. 10, 2010 at 11:46 am
omg that was so funny i love twilight and i still thought it was funny ur a flat out genuis :)
 
The~crayon~in~my~heart said...
Jan. 9, 2010 at 6:51 pm
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha~ that is absolutly hilarious! best thing ever!
 
Ebony_Rose replied...
Feb. 18, 2010 at 1:22 pm
Some friends and I are going to preform it for our little theater show here.... We will make sure to mention how hillarious it was when we read through it and how amazing the author is... :)
 
ajibike This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 5:06 pm
That's the funniest thing I have read in a while. Nice job. =)
 
MarinaNicole said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Wow, that is so funny. My math class listened to "So Happy Together" this morning! :)
 
yumichris said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 1:22 pm
i think you are amazing! i laughed so did my friend. i love you, you made my day...
 
aquagal replied...
Jan. 15, 2010 at 7:04 pm
This is so funny I really like the Voltie part in the book though.
 
Class of Patton said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 11:49 am
The whole class read this together and we all ROTFL. :D
 
ManekiNeko said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 9:16 am
EPIC. WIN. YOU. ARE. A. GENIUS.
 
gymnast.emily7 said...
Jan. 7, 2010 at 7:03 pm
This was sooo funny! My sister and I were laughing so hard. It was great!
 
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