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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion


This article has 1769 comments. Post your own!

LaylaViolet said...
Feb. 12, 2010 at 4:21 pm:
This has blown up big time. Why is it not in the magazine? Oh, I printed this out (is that okay?) and showed it to my friends: they loved it too.
 
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AliceGoesBam08 said...
Feb. 11, 2010 at 5:34 pm:
This is too funny, you've pretty much summed up the entire series in a matter of a few hundred words. Props to you.
 
Sally Sunshine replied...
Feb. 11, 2010 at 8:56 pm :
The screen play was...o.k. It was a little bit...rushed but it was good. I was amused so it is a 3.5 out of 5.
 
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DallysGrrl said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 7:43 pm:
I luv twilight n yet this is HILARIOUS!!!! OMG i luv it!!!!
 
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wixchick said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 4:45 pm:
i see this as the twilight version of potter puppet pals
 
fyreflies replied...
Feb. 19, 2010 at 1:35 pm :
Totally! I think someone should make this into a Potter Puppet Pals style thing and post it on the web. It would be hilarious.
 
toxic.monkey replied...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 9:56 am :
i so agree! edward made of glittery white material XD
 
kiwi12 replied...
Feb. 27, 2010 at 10:03 pm :
YESSSSS!!!!!
 
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billydee22ny said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 8:26 am:
HILARIOUS!!!
 
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turn_it_up(: said...
Feb. 9, 2010 at 8:35 pm:
haha this is great. you're my hero. (:
 
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Nick-M said...
Feb. 9, 2010 at 5:38 pm:
lmfao
/10char
 
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Thrush said...
Feb. 7, 2010 at 10:15 am:
Luic (that means laugh until I cry) use it. Love your "script"
 
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Maddiewrites13 said...
Feb. 4, 2010 at 3:31 pm:
Haha, this is great, Very Funny.
 
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Shuchee said...
Feb. 4, 2010 at 1:34 am:
This is funny................you are a funny writer..........you should make more parodies..............anyways, Twilight saga ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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Marissa P. said...
Feb. 2, 2010 at 9:53 pm:
I nearly died laughing.
This is awesome, you should do parodies of other books!
 
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RougeOlympian said...
Feb. 2, 2010 at 7:32 pm:
I have to admit this is freakin hillarious!!!(:
 
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Jillian H. said...
Feb. 1, 2010 at 7:00 pm:
lol this is awesome!! I love how it's written in play form.
 
Ebony_Rose replied...
Feb. 5, 2010 at 8:26 am :
I love it... My friend Cassie and I couldn't quit laughing...
 
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sleeplessdreamer said...
Feb. 1, 2010 at 5:28 pm:
Sadly enough, I am closet obsessed with edward... except i just came out of the closet by saying that....
Anyway I loved it. Everything you said was so true. Great piece of writing: no. But was Twilight a great piece of writing? Nope. Check out my work and post comments.
 
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Moligra said...
Feb. 1, 2010 at 2:55 pm:
That was hilarious! We are still laughing in class! Ha ha! I loved the way the dialoge summarized the whole saga! Keep it up!
 
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