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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.




Join the Discussion


This article has 1764 comments. Post your own!

mikaylamissme said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 10:23 am:
hahahaha i loved it
i hate twlilight, and i have my reasons
but this was so funny
 
Ian J. replied...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 11:55 am :
haha, same same (:
 
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toxic.monkey said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 9:54 am:
this is hilarious... and it pretty much sums it up :D
 
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star_struck_93 said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 9:51 am:
Ha Ha. This is really funny. I like it
 
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MinuteDee,12 said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 9:29 am:
Ha Ha. This Just Made My Day.
I'm Sitting In Class and My Friend and I Read It and Burst Out Laughing.
Veryy Original.
 
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cryingblackeyes69 said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 7:42 am:
That was simply amazing! Well put. I think you did a wonderful job. I laughed throught the whole thing. Keep up the good work!
 
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AmnyR said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 5:55 am:
awesome, i laughed and laughed! this was really hilarious! you should write more!!!
 
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mushroomhugger101 said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 5:45 am:
hahahah nice....very funny because its soooo true!!! i really liked it lol
 
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morgan_michelle said...
Feb. 21, 2010 at 11:07 pm:
lol! I love it!
 
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alwayswriting14 said...
Feb. 21, 2010 at 12:50 pm:
I my gosh that was so funny i was just laughing in my seat the whole time i love the "yays"!!!!
 
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im.sorry said...
Feb. 20, 2010 at 1:04 pm:
lmao that was hella funny
 
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juicyfan6 said...
Feb. 18, 2010 at 6:33 pm:
LOL! Definitely twilight... :D
 
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chelseabo17 said...
Feb. 18, 2010 at 4:19 pm:
HILARIOUS!i luv twilight but thats really funny
 
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Pagerda said...
Feb. 17, 2010 at 12:37 pm:
At this, I shiggled.
Totally a laughable little "script". Never read the books or seen the movies, but this works for me, haha.
 
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jacoblover said...
Feb. 16, 2010 at 10:44 am:
wow...that was FUNNY im still cracking up..i wouldnt say u could challenge stephanie meyer tho...lol good job on making fun of one of the most enjoyed series of 2009...but it was funny...lol
 
twiwrite replied...
Feb. 16, 2010 at 2:49 pm :
lol hahaha i love twilight but you seriously have a point here! great job!
 
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LaylaViolet said...
Feb. 12, 2010 at 4:21 pm:
This has blown up big time. Why is it not in the magazine? Oh, I printed this out (is that okay?) and showed it to my friends: they loved it too.
 
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AliceGoesBam08 said...
Feb. 11, 2010 at 5:34 pm:
This is too funny, you've pretty much summed up the entire series in a matter of a few hundred words. Props to you.
 
Sally Sunshine replied...
Feb. 11, 2010 at 8:56 pm :
The screen play was...o.k. It was a little bit...rushed but it was good. I was amused so it is a 3.5 out of 5.
 
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DallysGrrl said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 7:43 pm:
I luv twilight n yet this is HILARIOUS!!!! OMG i luv it!!!!
 
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wixchick said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 4:45 pm:
i see this as the twilight version of potter puppet pals
 
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