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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1803 comments. Post your own now!

JeanGrey said...
Mar. 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm
THAT....WAS...AWESOME!!!funniest thing about Twilight I ever read!
 
arellasinu said...
Mar. 10, 2010 at 9:43 am
that was the funnyest twilight fan story im ever read!! and trust me i read alot lol
 
Dragonslayer5000 said...
Mar. 9, 2010 at 4:39 pm
lol, Good job! :)
 
Ashley S. said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 5:58 pm
Oh my goodness! This is awesome! Absolutely hilarious! I gotta give you props; you are now my hero.
 
magic-esi This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 4:02 pm
This is absolutely hilarious! It's true, too (well, I can't speak for the end of it, but it reminds me of when I tried to read Twilight). You're a great writer!
 
missca1229 said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 9:49 am
You honestly just made my day. I agree with everything you said. Bella is a rollercoaster. It was humorous. I love it because it wasn't up the butt "I love Twilight! Mehhh". It was great
 
i_am_nobody said...
Mar. 7, 2010 at 12:09 pm
omg's that was absolutly HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!
 
SpecialK said...
Mar. 6, 2010 at 2:37 pm
ROFLMAO Oh my gods this is hilarious!! And pretty accurate!
 
Fallen said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 5:52 pm
too funny... I liked Twilight before it became so big and it good top see people make fun of it....
 
potentialgurl said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 5:06 pm
ROTFL HAHAHAHA!!! SOOOO FUNNY!
 
Syarra_Greenwood said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Wow! that was sooooo funny. i luved it and am going to share it with all of my friends.
 
Rose19 said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 7:14 am
lol.. awesome !!
 
MusicIsLife013 said...
Mar. 4, 2010 at 5:57 pm
that was the funniest thing ever!!!! :)
 
WhiteTigress replied...
Mar. 15, 2010 at 10:20 am
RLMAO that was awesome
 
inspiredpoet said...
Mar. 4, 2010 at 5:48 pm
Hilarious. great job
 
SilverSnowflakes said...
Mar. 3, 2010 at 2:56 pm
I like twilight - don't love it or hate it, and this was really funny! especially since I mis-read 'minutes' as 'minuets' and had this mental image of some people dancing two minuets during the play...
 
XenonG said...
Mar. 3, 2010 at 5:52 am
that was hilarious!!!! definitely going in my favorites!!
 
live.laugh.spaz said...
Mar. 2, 2010 at 5:44 am
this is SO FUNNNY xD :) you should really make a movie with this....its HILARIOUS ;D
 
BradTastic17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 28, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Wow, so funny! I love how even in this small excerpt of the saga, Edward had more personality than he did in the actual books. Thanks for the laugh.
 
redcg416 said...
Feb. 28, 2010 at 11:48 am
This was so true and halarious. It was awsome even to a die-hard Twilight fan like me.
 
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