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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion


This article has 1774 comments. Post your own!

SandyBeachh said...
Jan. 9, 2013 at 1:49 pm:
This is absolutely wonderful. Strange looks come your way when you start laughing hysterically in the middle of a public place. You should make more of these. One on the Hunger Games could be very interesting.
 
WinterFairy replied...
Jan. 14, 2013 at 9:20 pm :
*chants* HUN-GER GAMES! HUN-GER GAMES!
 
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In_Love_with_Writing said...
Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:51 pm:
This was really funny. I've read some of the first Twilight book, but didn't finish or read the others. I guess I don't have to now that I've read this :) And check out some of my stories! Please rate them, subscribe, or comment if you can. It really means a lot and brings a smile to my face each time. Thank you so much!
 
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CherriePi This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 5, 2013 at 12:14 pm:
Twilight is SOOOO much more than that!!!!!!!! Have you read the books????
 
CariePierce replied...
Jan. 10, 2013 at 12:22 pm :
Oh, hush. It was a fun piece, nothing more. Don't take personal offense (:
 
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EvanLaine said...
Dec. 29, 2012 at 6:03 pm:
I love you... just... yes this is perfect. words cannot describe the joy that brought me :p
 
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writtenmusic202 said...
Dec. 19, 2012 at 6:40 pm:
Quite possibly one of the best things I have read. Great job, I should have just read this instead of the books :) good job!!
 
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Alexx830 said...
Dec. 13, 2012 at 8:34 am:
Well done! i really liked it xD i like how stupid edward is as well bravo
 
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Deamer_This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm:
Lol that was awesome.
 
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SeargantGoober said...
Dec. 10, 2012 at 8:48 pm:
I have to say that your story is probably the best thing that has ever been created lol Like I laughed so hard. Oh my goodness. And pretty much what you had in there was how it went. HAHAHA it was just amazing (: - Courtney
 
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iam4evermyself said...
Dec. 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm:
HAHAHAHA OMG THAT IS SO FUNNY!!! NICE JOB :)
 
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CharlieBalzary This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 9, 2012 at 5:18 am:
To say this is awsome would be a massive understatement. This fully incapsulates the banality of the entire saga. This dialogue would have made for a better movie experience, as far as I'm concerned. Bravo dude!
 
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MatieKae said...
Dec. 7, 2012 at 11:33 am:
Haha oh that's too funny! But so true, I love how accurate it is, it makes it even more amusing!!
 
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poemluv said...
Dec. 4, 2012 at 11:19 am:
ahahahaha!! I love it! XD
 
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BlackNether12 said...
Dec. 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm:
Seemed like a pretty sick joke on Twilight . . . but it was well written.
 
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Amanda98 said...
Dec. 1, 2012 at 9:44 am:
Gods, I'm laughing so hard! First thing I red on Teenink and that makes me extremely happy! xD
 
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DustyHooks.This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 27, 2012 at 8:52 pm:
I was busting out laughing until the very end, well done.
 
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LaurenD. said...
Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:17 pm:
SO true! Melodramatic and I love it! :)
 
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JulesC said...
Nov. 25, 2012 at 10:40 pm:
That saved me from wasting half of my life having to reading the series. Thank you, this was awesome
 
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BellaCharlie said...
Nov. 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm:
This is hilarious and accurate.  I love it.
 
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J33P3R5CR33P3R said...
Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:18 am:
It's amazing how accurate this is. XD
 
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