The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

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SweetCaroline14 said...
Jan. 13, 2015 at 7:42 pm
The words the author didnt say...
RedHadan This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 13, 2015 at 5:02 pm
I can't, this is freaking hilarious!
Elizabethhh said...
Jan. 8, 2015 at 8:47 pm
HAHAHAHAHAH that's hilarious!!!! Can you do something like this with the hunger games? :D
Thefanatasticagirlie101 said...
Jan. 1, 2015 at 2:14 pm
This is sooo hilarious... Great work!!!
Kimm_G said...
Dec. 31, 2014 at 5:18 pm
I'm dying laughing so hard, awsome
avadakedavra said...
Dec. 27, 2014 at 9:01 pm
Not to be stereotypical or anything but... #TRUTH
YukiNagato said...
Dec. 10, 2014 at 8:28 pm
The is the best version of Twilight I've read! Hilarious!!! :)
Ashlom said...
Nov. 5, 2014 at 5:20 pm
That was the best Twilight story EVER!!!!!! You should do the Host now. Thanks for a good laugh
jetpuppy11 said...
Oct. 15, 2014 at 11:55 am
Chrissiana1320 replied...
Nov. 13, 2014 at 7:48 am
Really Funny.
Clary_Fray This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 13, 2014 at 6:30 pm
This is great. Two thumbs up!
Pieric123456789 replied...
Oct. 1, 2014 at 9:02 am
Pookie16 said...
Aug. 18, 2014 at 8:57 pm
Jkw7072 said...
Aug. 13, 2014 at 9:57 am
Edward and I have something in common, we both blind people with our whiteness.
MargaretNorman replied...
Nov. 11, 2014 at 9:40 pm
i know the strugle
KFT22 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 12, 2014 at 4:25 am
Hahahaha! You had me at the title....had fun reading this
PleasedToMeetYou This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 4, 2014 at 9:33 pm
I lost it when I got to the part where Edward "blinds everyone with his whiteness."
RachelReadsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 7, 2014 at 1:47 am
So hilarious! OMG!
Z.V.Oksana said...
Jun. 16, 2014 at 3:09 pm
somebody should actually perform this. This is hilarious!
StygianSparrow said...
Jun. 2, 2014 at 11:48 am
This is hilarious! Just wondering, but do you have this up on
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