The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

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This article has 1898 comments. Post your own now!

jetpuppy11 said...
Oct. 15, 2014 at 11:55 am
Chrissiana1320 replied...
Nov. 13, 2014 at 7:48 am
Really Funny.
Clary_Fray This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 13, 2014 at 6:30 pm
This is great. Two thumbs up!
Pieric123456789 replied...
Oct. 1, 2014 at 9:02 am
Pookie16 said...
Aug. 18, 2014 at 8:57 pm
Jkw7072 said...
Aug. 13, 2014 at 9:57 am
Edward and I have something in common, we both blind people with our whiteness.
MargaretNorman replied...
Nov. 11, 2014 at 9:40 pm
i know the strugle
KFT22 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 12, 2014 at 4:25 am
Hahahaha! You had me at the title....had fun reading this
PleasedToMeetYou This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 4, 2014 at 9:33 pm
I lost it when I got to the part where Edward "blinds everyone with his whiteness."
RachelReads said...
Jul. 7, 2014 at 1:47 am
So hilarious! OMG!
Z.V.Oksana said...
Jun. 16, 2014 at 3:09 pm
somebody should actually perform this. This is hilarious!
StygianSparrow said...
Jun. 2, 2014 at 11:48 am
This is hilarious! Just wondering, but do you have this up on
catono said...
May 27, 2014 at 1:37 pm
Love it!!!!!! We have been needing a good twilight parody!
Regoneth said...
May 17, 2014 at 1:27 pm
hahahahaha! That's really funny XD
JordynYounger said...
Apr. 30, 2014 at 1:57 pm
Best Twilight summary ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hells_Will said...
Apr. 17, 2014 at 2:00 pm
This... Now this is pure genius!!!! Comdey gold!!! i LOVE this!!!!!!
Strawberry_Rabbit said...
Apr. 5, 2014 at 1:05 pm
Haha! I love this and this is actually very accurate!
BabyPorcupine said...
Apr. 1, 2014 at 6:15 pm
This *points to story* right here is comeic genius. Like, my grandma thought there was something wrong with me when I started laughing out of nowhere. But whatever. I love this. <3
FancyWaffles said...
Mar. 23, 2014 at 8:51 pm
I'm laughing so hard! This is exactly what Twilight sounds like to me whenever I hear anything about it. My friend used to love Twilight, and we always (jokingly, of course) tease her about it. I need to show her this one day!
PeaceLoveandMotherEarth said...
Mar. 18, 2014 at 9:22 am
This was exactly how Twilight  happened, and I read this in like, 30 seconds. Well done, my friend. Well done.
MargaretNorman said...
Mar. 8, 2014 at 10:04 am
too funny!!!!!!!!!!
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