The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.





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This article has 1891 comments. Post your own now!

PleasedToMeetYou This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 4, 2014 at 9:33 pm
I lost it when I got to the part where Edward "blinds everyone with his whiteness."
 
RachelReads said...
Jul. 7, 2014 at 1:47 am
So hilarious! OMG!
 
Z.V.Oksana said...
Jun. 16, 2014 at 3:09 pm
somebody should actually perform this. This is hilarious!
 
StygianSparrow said...
Jun. 2, 2014 at 11:48 am
This is hilarious! Just wondering, but do you have this up on fanfiction.net?
 
catono said...
May 27, 2014 at 1:37 pm
Love it!!!!!! We have been needing a good twilight parody!
 
Regoneth said...
May 17, 2014 at 1:27 pm
hahahahaha! That's really funny XD
 
JordynYounger said...
Apr. 30, 2014 at 1:57 pm
Best Twilight summary ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Hells_Will said...
Apr. 17, 2014 at 2:00 pm
This... Now this is pure genius!!!! Comdey gold!!! i LOVE this!!!!!!
 
Strawberry_Rabbit said...
Apr. 5, 2014 at 1:05 pm
Haha! I love this and this is actually very accurate!
 
BabyPorcupine said...
Apr. 1, 2014 at 6:15 pm
This *points to story* right here is comeic genius. Like, my grandma thought there was something wrong with me when I started laughing out of nowhere. But whatever. I love this. <3
 
FancyWaffles said...
Mar. 23, 2014 at 8:51 pm
I'm laughing so hard! This is exactly what Twilight sounds like to me whenever I hear anything about it. My friend used to love Twilight, and we always (jokingly, of course) tease her about it. I need to show her this one day!
 
PeaceLoveandMotherEarth said...
Mar. 18, 2014 at 9:22 am
This was exactly how Twilight  happened, and I read this in like, 30 seconds. Well done, my friend. Well done.
 
MargaretNorman said...
Mar. 8, 2014 at 10:04 am
too funny!!!!!!!!!!
 
MissTarbet said...
Feb. 26, 2014 at 6:52 pm
This was hilarious and I loved it!
 
Virgil said...
Feb. 25, 2014 at 10:09 pm
I read this about ten minutes ago and am still laughing...
 
FunneThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Feb. 22, 2014 at 4:03 pm
I've never read twilight or seen any of the movies and I enjoyed this.
 
Maddiecrox said...
Feb. 22, 2014 at 11:00 am
Fabulous and very accurate  
 
writingsamstorys said...
Feb. 15, 2014 at 9:35 pm
Can i do a movie of this? I have the tools and i would send you the final product so you could do whatever you want with it. please reply. thnx!
 
specialkindofspecial said...
Feb. 14, 2014 at 1:31 pm
This is brilliant! 
 
EmiMo said...
Feb. 13, 2014 at 8:54 pm
FABULOUS DARLING!!!
 
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