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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1886 comments. Post your own now!

RedHadan This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 13, 2015 at 5:02 pm
I can't, this is freaking hilarious!
 
Elizabethhh said...
Jan. 8, 2015 at 8:47 pm
HAHAHAHAHAH that's hilarious!!!! Can you do something like this with the hunger games? :D
 
Thefanatasticagirlie101 said...
Jan. 1, 2015 at 2:14 pm
This is sooo hilarious... Great work!!!
 
Kimm_G said...
Dec. 31, 2014 at 5:18 pm
I'm dying laughing so hard, awsome
 
avadakedavra said...
Dec. 27, 2014 at 9:01 pm
Not to be stereotypical or anything but... #TRUTH
 
YukiNagato said...
Dec. 10, 2014 at 8:28 pm
The is the best version of Twilight I've read! Hilarious!!! :)
 
Ashlom said...
Nov. 5, 2014 at 5:20 pm
That was the best Twilight story EVER!!!!!! You should do the Host now. Thanks for a good laugh
 
jetpuppy11 said...
Oct. 15, 2014 at 11:55 am
ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!
 
Chrissiana1320 replied...
Nov. 13, 2014 at 7:48 am
Really Funny.
 
Clary_Fray This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 13, 2014 at 6:30 pm
This is great. Two thumbs up!
 
Pieric123456789 replied...
Oct. 1, 2014 at 9:02 am
THAT IS AWESOME
 
Pookie16 said...
Aug. 18, 2014 at 8:57 pm
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.
 
Jkw7072 said...
Aug. 13, 2014 at 9:57 am
Edward and I have something in common, we both blind people with our whiteness.
 
MargaretNorman replied...
Nov. 11, 2014 at 9:40 pm
i know the strugle
 
KFT22This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 12, 2014 at 4:25 am
Hahahaha! You had me at the title....had fun reading this
 
PleasedToMeetYou This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 4, 2014 at 9:33 pm
I lost it when I got to the part where Edward "blinds everyone with his whiteness."
 
RachelReads said...
Jul. 7, 2014 at 1:47 am
So hilarious! OMG!
 
Z.V.Oksana said...
Jun. 16, 2014 at 3:09 pm
somebody should actually perform this. This is hilarious!
 
StygianSparrow said...
Jun. 2, 2014 at 11:48 am
This is hilarious! Just wondering, but do you have this up on fanfiction.net?
 
catono said...
May 27, 2014 at 1:37 pm
Love it!!!!!! We have been needing a good twilight parody!
 
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