The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1902 comments. Post your own now!

MasterAzzBlaster said...
Nov. 2, 2015 at 10:13 am
Wow anyone who even enjoyed this should re-evaluate their lives. This story was worse than Avatar: The Last Air Bender movie franchise and I would rather watch that again!
lamichael2998 said...
Oct. 30, 2015 at 2:53 am
this is too funny to be true! thanks for the summary
Nashi said...
Oct. 26, 2015 at 5:54 pm
i might like twilight, but that was one of the most funniest things I've read
Kiera1332 said...
Oct. 22, 2015 at 2:24 pm
This was amazing... Not a big fan of vampire stuff, or Twighlight especially, but this was great and actually made me laugh.
BreeZephyr This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 4, 2015 at 6:19 pm
I have never bothered to read the Twilight Saga because of its utter ridiculousness but this makes me want to read it just so I can understand this funny!!
Autumn_B. said...
Sept. 30, 2015 at 12:57 am
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OMG! I'm a true Twiligt fan, but this so accurate I almost died! *hysterically laughing & clapping at the same time*
Phoenix101 said...
Sept. 12, 2015 at 11:36 pm
I want to do this I just need to gather people
sharpened_pencil This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 12, 2015 at 9:44 pm
This is the first funny piece I've seen on this website and I must say you did a fantastic job, this made my day. Awesome job man XD
Rainbow_Princess said...
Sept. 11, 2015 at 9:17 am
I ALMOST DIED LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phoenix101 said...
Aug. 22, 2015 at 5:33 pm
RainWriter said...
Aug. 21, 2015 at 1:26 pm
I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!
shivusharma said...
Aug. 16, 2015 at 9:32 am
wow.... just wow.
Timber2141 said...
Jul. 30, 2015 at 8:18 pm
This article is brilliant. Nothing else to say. :)
KittyKat1419 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 23, 2015 at 10:35 am
I loved this so much...and now I feel compelled to read the Twilight saga. Great job. I look forward to more of your work! (Feel free to read and comment on any or all of my (the link to My best piece!)
Ianultraman said...
Jul. 12, 2015 at 2:49 pm
IF there was a replay button I would've hit it so many times... Thank god I have a mouse.
writer8594 said...
Jul. 9, 2015 at 6:29 pm
This is too funny!
annycs13 said...
Jul. 8, 2015 at 10:20 pm
LOLZ! This is great!
Timber2141 said...
Jul. 2, 2015 at 12:15 am
That. Was. AWESOME!!!
Valentina99 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 10, 2015 at 3:02 pm
Nailed it.
Musical_Mischief_Mayhem said...
May 29, 2015 at 11:38 am
Loved it! Do the Hunger Games next!
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