The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1918 comments.

on Jul. 16 2016 at 5:27 pm
Pookie16 BRONZE, Olathe, Kansas
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't be an idiot." - Michael Scott, The Office

This is quite possibly the best retelling of Twilight that I've ever read...

xSwanson said...
on Jun. 7 2016 at 4:01 pm
xSwanson, St Louis, Missouri
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
"My eggo is preggo!" I can't breathe, on my god. This writing has my soul

on Jun. 2 2016 at 12:59 pm
FallenAngel11283 PLATINUM, Cincinnati , Ohio
20 articles 1 photo 25 comments
This is disgraceful, I'm sure your a good writer but I don't like this piece at all. Bella and Edward had a complicated but beautiful relationship. Edward fell in love Bella they had hardships and Edward left. But if Edward hadn't of left she would have never gotten close to Jacob, Jacob stitched her back up when Edward left her bleeding after he left. Also Stephenie Meyer wrote The Host, she is a talented lady research it more before you decide to write something like this.

on Jun. 1 2016 at 9:06 am
I was about to kill myself before i read this but since i did i'm still alive today. Thank you.

ZebraD SILVER said...
on May. 11 2016 at 7:58 am
ZebraD SILVER, Jacksonville, Florida
8 articles 3 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The battle between the living and the dead must have been apocalyptic." -Darren Shan's "Zom-B City"

Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I couldn't explain it better myself.

maia-ramen said...
on Apr. 27 2016 at 8:45 am
maia-ramen, Chesterfield, New Jersey
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
i was laughing throughout reading the entire script hahahah you NEED to make more of these

on Apr. 27 2016 at 7:47 am
destielrises BRONZE, Chesterfield, New Jersey
3 articles 0 photos 3 comments
I loved this!! I acted this out in front of my class with @Peridescent @sooperspookyaj and @skeletalpiolt it was great! I loved the creativity and thought you did fabulously writing it! Great job and keep up the fabulous work!!!

Peridescent said...
on Apr. 27 2016 at 7:44 am
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This is one of the funniest pieces I've read in a long time, and it had me laughing the whole time! Bravo, Lucy!

on Apr. 26 2016 at 3:52 pm
All_Fandoms_Matter67, Burgaw, North Carolina
0 articles 1 photo 4 comments
Omg hahahaha!! I didnt read all of it because im in class but it was funny.

on Apr. 26 2016 at 8:44 am
tardistraveler241 BRONZE, Columbus, New Jersey
1 article 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not throwing away my shot." - Lin-Manuel Miranda

You had me laughing the entire time, great work. Loved the script format as well, was definitely an interesting choice that paid off

on Mar. 6 2016 at 9:48 pm
QueenIsland123 BRONZE, Dubai, Other
4 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
It always seem impossible until it is done -Nelson Mandela

This is so funny! I was laughing the whole way through it. Please can you make more

on Mar. 3 2016 at 6:28 pm
WeirdosUnite GOLD, Prairie Farm, Wisconsin
10 articles 5 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Give me your hands if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends"~Puck, A Midsummer Night's Dream

LOL I'm lke, laughing my head off right now!! I haven't even finished the first book, and I loooooovvveeee this!! Post more FanFic plays!! Do one of Harry Potter, InuYasha, or the Hunger Games1

SamJay BRONZE said...
on Feb. 26 2016 at 9:55 pm
SamJay BRONZE, Ventnor, New Jersey
4 articles 0 photos 2 comments
lol, this how the movie was pretty much.

on Feb. 26 2016 at 7:15 pm
sabbylynn BRONZE, Lehigh Acres, Florida
2 articles 2 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you want something you have never gotten, you will have to do something you have never done
Well behaved women seldom make history

hahahaha laughed my butt off so funny this is so true it's not even funny you should consider making more of these!!

on Feb. 13 2016 at 6:22 pm
Kara_case BRONZE, Reno, Nevada
3 articles 0 photos 2 comments
This is my favorite thing, it's so funny. I've read all the books and seen the movies and this never fails to make me laugh.

EmmaBelle GOLD said...
on Feb. 12 2016 at 1:55 pm
EmmaBelle GOLD, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio
16 articles 5 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Work until your idols become your rivals!

This will never not be my favorite fan fiction. Best. Thing. Ever.

black.blood said...
on Jan. 26 2016 at 2:59 pm
black.blood, Prairieville, Louisiana
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

I've read all the books, and I've watched all the movies. I like none. But this summary, had me falling out of my chair. Thank you so much for sharing this brilliant piece!

on Jan. 22 2016 at 9:16 am
Izamaniac BRONZE, Roanoke, Virginia
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's no use going back to yesterday, I was different then."-Alice in Wonderland
"I can do all things through Christ when he strengthens me."-Philipians 4:13

Haha, never read the books, but read a small part, sounds pretty much what happened (that small part was the end of the book, not big on romances).

Crystal_June said...
on Jan. 21 2016 at 6:34 pm
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
I agree. It is pretty much what happened.

on Dec. 31 2015 at 2:59 pm
I think this is an accurate summary of the plot without wasting as much paper.

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