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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1775 comments. Post your own now!

FancyWaffles said...
Mar. 23 at 8:51 pm
I'm laughing so hard! This is exactly what Twilight sounds like to me whenever I hear anything about it. My friend used to love Twilight, and we always (jokingly, of course) tease her about it. I need to show her this one day!
 
PeaceLoveandMotherEarth said...
Mar. 18 at 9:22 am
This was exactly how Twilight  happened, and I read this in like, 30 seconds. Well done, my friend. Well done.
 
MargaretNormanThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Mar. 8 at 10:04 am
too funny!!!!!!!!!!
 
MissTarbet said...
Feb. 26 at 6:52 pm
This was hilarious and I loved it!
 
Virgil said...
Feb. 25 at 10:09 pm
I read this about ten minutes ago and am still laughing...
 
FunneThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Feb. 22 at 4:03 pm
I've never read twilight or seen any of the movies and I enjoyed this.
 
Maddiecrox said...
Feb. 22 at 11:00 am
Fabulous and very accurate  
 
writingsamstorys said...
Feb. 15 at 9:35 pm
Can i do a movie of this? I have the tools and i would send you the final product so you could do whatever you want with it. please reply. thnx!
 
specialkindofspecial said...
Feb. 14 at 1:31 pm
This is brilliant! 
 
EmiMo said...
Feb. 13 at 8:54 pm
FABULOUS DARLING!!!
 
LillyZ83This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Feb. 12 at 7:00 pm
*EDWARD shoots BELLA and JACOB face-palms* JACOB: I think she meant "bite me" EDWARD: Oh...
 
Draenaii said...
Feb. 9 at 3:11 pm
Made me giggle- thanks for that!
 
moet15 said...
Jan. 30 at 3:08 pm
lol lol lol  
 
DemoDerbyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 22 at 10:05 am
I was in school while I was reading tis so I had to try and laugh quietly. I thought this was really funny. PLEASE CHECK OUT MY WRITTEN ARTI CLES SOME TIME SOON. I NEED MORE VIEWERS OF MY NEWER STUFF. I HAVE ALOT ON MY LIST TOO. IF YOU READ ESCAPE PLEASE READ THEM IN ORDER (1-5 SO FAR) I HOPE YOU LIKE MY STUFF. COMMENT AND RATE MY WORK PLEASE. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF IT ALL.
 
WildBird said...
Jan. 20 at 7:06 pm
I was just sitting here, cracking up every couple seconds :')
 
esleygirl replied...
Apr. 24 at 11:18 pm
Same here!! I almost didn't read it, but I'm so glad I did."
 
lyricaldaze said...
Jan. 20 at 1:31 pm
Oh My God best thing ever!!!!!!!
 
LanimalThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 12 at 11:06 pm
I would so pay to see this in theaters. Seriously, this was hilarious! :)
 
RedWulfThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Dec. 17, 2013 at 10:22 am
Yeah, see, I would have rather seen this...
 
Damon_And_Stefans_MommaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Dec. 11, 2013 at 8:08 am
Haha this gave me a pretty good laugh!!! I <3 it
 
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