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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1842 comments. Post your own now!

Landryboy15 said...
Nov. 5, 2015 at 8:38 am
I agree with this story. Bella is exactly like this towards Edward and Jacob. She plays Jacob throughout the whole movie series “Jacob- I love you too” “Bella- Yay!” Bella is playing mind games with both of them “Bella- Are you a vampire” “Edward- Yes” “Bella- I love you”. Edward loves her but doesn’t know what to do when she tells him to bite her and kill her. She is giving both guys mixed emotion of her.
 
danranz said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 2:46 pm
This is how the movies should have been, would've saved a lot of time and money, and annoying prepubescents screaming about it. "EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!" Hilarious, and I didn't have to sit through 30 shirtless Taylor Laughtner scenes.
 
trinriley said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 1:02 pm
I thought it was hilarious to read. My favorite line is “Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo” because I actually laughed out loud at this.
 
2MooreM This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 10:20 am
I never read fan-fictions at all, but I decided to read this one to get an assignment out of the way. I do not regret it because this was actually funny. “EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now. BELLA: Aww. [EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.] JACOB: I love you too. BELLA: Yay! [They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.] EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl! JACOB: Or what? [Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.'] EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off! [They dance for a short ti... (more »)
 
2brumfielda said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 10:03 am
This is hilarious! I’ve always been a Twilight fan, but I loved how the story was twisted into a comedy. My favorite part was, “EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.”
 
katikat00 said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 9:55 am
This fan fiction is quite funny. I, personally am not the greatest fan of the Twilight Saga, but this fan fiction puts a funny twist on the whole story line. “[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]” The way you portray Edward as the dumb character in the fan fiction and Jacob as the smart one just makes the whole thing funny.
 
MasterAzzBlaster said...
Nov. 2, 2015 at 10:13 am
Wow anyone who even enjoyed this should re-evaluate their lives. This story was worse than Avatar: The Last Air Bender movie franchise and I would rather watch that again!
 
lamichael2998 said...
Oct. 30, 2015 at 2:53 am
this is too funny to be true! thanks for the summary
 
NashiThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 26, 2015 at 5:54 pm
i might like twilight, but that was one of the most funniest things I've read
 
Kiera1332This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 22, 2015 at 2:24 pm
This was amazing... Not a big fan of vampire stuff, or Twighlight especially, but this was great and actually made me laugh.
 
BreeZephyrThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 4, 2015 at 6:19 pm
I have never bothered to read the Twilight Saga because of its utter ridiculousness but this makes me want to read it just so I can understand this better...so funny!!
 
Autumn_B. said...
Sept. 30, 2015 at 12:57 am
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OMG! I'm a true Twiligt fan, but this so accurate I almost died! *hysterically laughing & clapping at the same time*
 
Phoenix101This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sept. 12, 2015 at 11:36 pm
I want to do this I just need to gather people
 
sharpened_pencilThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 12, 2015 at 9:44 pm
This is the first funny piece I've seen on this website and I must say you did a fantastic job, this made my day. Awesome job man XD
 
Rainbow_Princess said...
Sept. 11, 2015 at 9:17 am
I ALMOST DIED LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Phoenix101This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 22, 2015 at 5:33 pm
LOVING THIS!
 
RainWriterThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 21, 2015 at 1:26 pm
I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!
 
shivusharma said...
Aug. 16, 2015 at 9:32 am
wow.... just wow.
 
Timber2141This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 30, 2015 at 8:18 pm
This article is brilliant. Nothing else to say. :)
 
KittyKat1419This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 23, 2015 at 10:35 am
I loved this so much...and now I feel compelled to read the Twilight saga. Great job. I look forward to more of your work! (Feel free to read and comment on any or all of my work:TeenInk.com/fiction/romance/article/812903/Love-at-First-Light/ (the link to My best piece!)
 
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