The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1891 comments. Post your own now!

DayDreams said...
Aug. 29, 2016 at 8:14 pm
Never even seen/read anything about Twilight but this was so, so, so, so, sooooooo funny! Literally every line made me lol. I love that it's in play/script form too.
Daksteel said...
Aug. 17, 2016 at 1:31 pm
lol not a twilight fan but this made me chuckle
Amberleaf said...
Aug. 8, 2016 at 3:34 pm
This was funny
Stifling_Darkness said...
Aug. 7, 2016 at 6:00 pm
Oml. This was so beyond perfect. I have no words.
lilredd7 said...
Jul. 16, 2016 at 5:30 pm
This was absolutely hilarious please do one on the hunger game series of something
lilredd7 said...
Jul. 16, 2016 at 5:30 pm
This was absolutely hilarious please do one on the hunger game series of something
Pookie16 said...
Jul. 16, 2016 at 5:27 pm
This is quite possibly the best retelling of Twilight that I've ever read...
xSwanson said...
Jun. 7, 2016 at 4:01 pm
"My eggo is preggo!" I can't breathe, on my god. This writing has my soul
FallenAngel11283 said...
Jun. 2, 2016 at 12:59 pm
This is disgraceful, I'm sure your a good writer but I don't like this piece at all. Bella and Edward had a complicated but beautiful relationship. Edward fell in love Bella they had hardships and Edward left. But if Edward hadn't of left she would have never gotten close to Jacob, Jacob stitched her back up when Edward left her bleeding after he left. Also Stephenie Meyer wrote The Host, she is a talented lady research it more before you decide to write something like this.
JtatsuThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 21, 2016 at 9:20 pm
It's fine if you don't like this piece that this particular writer wrote; it's impossible for anyone to like everything after all, but I would hardly call this a disgrace to Stephanie Meyers. Quite the opposite, in fact. Have you ever heard the saying, "Imitation is the highest form of flattery?" This is exactly what this piece is doing; it's bringing even more attention toward Meyers' work, and is simply putting a satirical twist on Meyers' most famous work.
sooperspookyaj said...
Jun. 1, 2016 at 9:06 am
I was about to kill myself before i read this but since i did i'm still alive today. Thank you.
ZebraD said...
May 11, 2016 at 7:58 am
Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I couldn't explain it better myself.
maia-ramen said...
Apr. 27, 2016 at 8:45 am
i was laughing throughout reading the entire script hahahah you NEED to make more of these
destielrises said...
Apr. 27, 2016 at 7:47 am
I loved this!! I acted this out in front of my class with @Peridescent @sooperspookyaj and @skeletalpiolt it was great! I loved the creativity and thought you did fabulously writing it! Great job and keep up the fabulous work!!!
Peridescent said...
Apr. 27, 2016 at 7:44 am
This is one of the funniest pieces I've read in a long time, and it had me laughing the whole time! Bravo, Lucy!
All_Fandoms_Matter67 said...
Apr. 26, 2016 at 3:52 pm
Omg hahahaha!! I didnt read all of it because im in class but it was funny.
tardistraveler241 said...
Apr. 26, 2016 at 8:44 am
You had me laughing the entire time, great work. Loved the script format as well, was definitely an interesting choice that paid off
QueenIsland123This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Mar. 6, 2016 at 9:48 pm
This is so funny! I was laughing the whole way through it. Please can you make more
DragonFableGirl said...
Mar. 3, 2016 at 6:28 pm
LOL I'm lke, laughing my head off right now!! I haven't even finished the first book, and I loooooovvveeee this!! Post more FanFic plays!! Do one of Harry Potter, InuYasha, or the Hunger Games1
SamJay said...
Feb. 26, 2016 at 9:55 pm
lol, this how the movie was pretty much.
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