The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1902 comments. Post your own now!

AlyssaJanelle said...
Jan. 30, 2017 at 9:45 am
Omg I've read The Twilight series and this practically sums everything up. Lol this was really funny.
lmckenney said...
Nov. 3, 2016 at 7:52 am
This was funny I laughed so hard!
JasonEdwardWilson said...
Oct. 24, 2016 at 10:14 am
So great, I died
xo.erinnicole said...
Oct. 24, 2016 at 10:04 am
This was so funny because it was so true.
MohammedF said...
Oct. 24, 2016 at 9:50 am
Amazingly amazing
Eric Breazy said...
Oct. 24, 2016 at 9:48 am
The beauty The romance The confusion Teenage love
AGupta1 said...
Oct. 19, 2016 at 2:13 pm
Keep writing please! I laughed out loud and my mother looked at me like I was crazy.
Ebony_Strike said...
Sept. 29, 2016 at 8:06 pm
I think this may have been the best thing I have ever read.
Dream_Bar22 said...
Sept. 20, 2016 at 10:34 am
this is amazing
Screen_name: said...
Sept. 2, 2016 at 4:02 pm
This sums it up perfectly
jordynnangeleen said...
Sept. 2, 2016 at 11:28 am
make a part 2!!!
DayDreams said...
Aug. 29, 2016 at 8:14 pm
Never even seen/read anything about Twilight but this was so, so, so, so, sooooooo funny! Literally every line made me lol. I love that it's in play/script form too.
Daksteel said...
Aug. 17, 2016 at 1:31 pm
lol not a twilight fan but this made me chuckle
Amberleaf said...
Aug. 8, 2016 at 3:34 pm
This was funny
Stifling_Darkness said...
Aug. 7, 2016 at 6:00 pm
Oml. This was so beyond perfect. I have no words.
lilredd7 said...
Jul. 16, 2016 at 5:30 pm
This was absolutely hilarious please do one on the hunger game series of something
lilredd7 said...
Jul. 16, 2016 at 5:30 pm
This was absolutely hilarious please do one on the hunger game series of something
Pookie16 said...
Jul. 16, 2016 at 5:27 pm
This is quite possibly the best retelling of Twilight that I've ever read...
xSwanson said...
Jun. 7, 2016 at 4:01 pm
"My eggo is preggo!" I can't breathe, on my god. This writing has my soul
FallenAngel11283 said...
Jun. 2, 2016 at 12:59 pm
This is disgraceful, I'm sure your a good writer but I don't like this piece at all. Bella and Edward had a complicated but beautiful relationship. Edward fell in love Bella they had hardships and Edward left. But if Edward hadn't of left she would have never gotten close to Jacob, Jacob stitched her back up when Edward left her bleeding after he left. Also Stephenie Meyer wrote The Host, she is a talented lady research it more before you decide to write something like this.
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