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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1870 comments. Post your own now!

Kara_case said...
Feb. 13 at 6:22 pm
This is my favorite thing, it's so funny. I've read all the books and seen the movies and this never fails to make me laugh.
 
EmmaBelle said...
Feb. 12 at 1:55 pm
This will never not be my favorite fan fiction. Best. Thing. Ever.
 
black.blood said...
Jan. 26 at 2:59 pm
I've read all the books, and I've watched all the movies. I like none. But this summary, had me falling out of my chair. Thank you so much for sharing this brilliant piece!
 
IzamaniacThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 22 at 9:16 am
Haha, never read the books, but read a small part, sounds pretty much what happened (that small part was the end of the book, not big on romances).
 
The_Book_Thief said...
Dec. 31, 2015 at 2:59 pm
I think this is an accurate summary of the plot without wasting as much paper.
 
Crystal_June replied...
Jan. 21 at 6:34 pm
I agree. It is pretty much what happened.
 
Quaviondre_Williams said...
Dec. 31, 2015 at 11:28 am
Hilarious! And it really did sum everything up lol
 
EmmaMayWang said...
Dec. 31, 2015 at 5:02 am
Haha I loved this!
 
BloomingRaine15 said...
Dec. 30, 2015 at 4:38 am
I just truly love this
 
Funkyman said...
Dec. 3, 2015 at 9:36 am
This is nice.
 
RatherNotSay said...
Nov. 21, 2015 at 1:07 pm
Yes. Just yes. :)
 
OverratedKilljoy said...
Nov. 19, 2015 at 9:53 am
I would give every penny I have to see this.
 
LordGaben said...
Nov. 18, 2015 at 1:42 pm
I apologize for my last comment. I just want to say memesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmemesmem... (more »)
 
LordGaben said...
Nov. 18, 2015 at 1:40 pm
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ScarlettJ.This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 17, 2015 at 12:08 pm
Hahaha, this was great!! As much as I big enjoy the series, I also enjoy things such as this. Great job!
 
wizadThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 17, 2015 at 7:44 am
haha its pertty funny
 
Fangirl-Bliss said...
Nov. 15, 2015 at 1:59 pm
It's so true... The books and movies sucked. The part when Jacob is just like "I love you." "Yay!" "Get away." You freking abandoned her edward so shut up. you got her preggo and left her it's funny and proves just how dumb Twighlight is.
 
carly_crochet said...
Nov. 10, 2015 at 9:48 am
This fan fiction is the best fan fiction I have ever read in my life. I love how they both say, "Dance off!" That was my favorite part.
 
Moose_CinnamonRoll said...
Nov. 6, 2015 at 2:56 pm
This is hilarious; when they both said “dance off”, I lost it.
 
jala2018 said...
Nov. 6, 2015 at 12:01 pm
"I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now." I think he doesn't know what he wants, but he wants her to know he care.
 
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