The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

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This article has 1902 comments. Post your own now!

Laugh-it-Out This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:43 am
Lol lol lol lol omg this hilarious couldn't stop laughing ur so funny that basically sums everything up perfect its what I have trying to tell my friends lol I totally would make a movie of this
ClaireBearB said...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:28 pm
You know Twilight is actually really good. The books are infinity times better than the movies, just so you know and if you've only seen the movies you can't exactly say "Twilight Sucks!" because it really, really doesn't. In the movies, it's true, Bella does look really weak, but in the books she's amazing. I wish people wouldn't diss Twilight if they don't really get it. But, haters will be haters, and I guess I'll just have to deal :)
RedRose17 replied...
Apr. 3, 2013 at 8:44 am
I totally agree with you the books were amazing and the movies were sucky because the person playing bella sucked, the guy playing Edward was ugly he sounded so much cutier in the book and well Jacob was the only one that they got perfect lol
pulledheartstring said...
Mar. 27, 2013 at 7:12 pm
Oh my gosh, right on. xD
hollyax1999 said...
Mar. 20, 2013 at 1:18 pm
haha this is hilarious, love it!
lucycaps said...
Mar. 20, 2013 at 5:44 am
hilarious, love it!
E.A.P.lover said...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:17 pm
I love it. So true.
DaGreyHero said...
Mar. 15, 2013 at 3:43 am
yup, that about sums it up. Excellent job 
ANeru said...
Mar. 11, 2013 at 3:00 pm
This is hilarious. xD
iam4evermyself said...
Mar. 11, 2013 at 1:29 pm
hahahahhahaha omg this is so funny. This is perfect. I lve it so much. 
HeatherPaugh said...
Mar. 8, 2013 at 1:40 pm
VERY funny. i loved it! :) great job!
PeaceLoveCrossCountry This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 10, 2013 at 3:18 pm
hahahahahaa GREAT job this actually sums up the entire saga so, kudos!! :)
alexandas said...
Mar. 7, 2013 at 9:51 pm
Oh, LOL.  My sister watches Twilight a lot and I HATE it, and this is really awesome and completely disses Twilight and makes it seem actually cool in a way.  The "Yay" parts were funny because you know in the actual thing everything is so depressing that there would never be a single "Yay" in it.  This is overall awesome!
yassmin replied...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:36 pm
twilight is awesome!!  
Ghostly-Rose said...
Mar. 4, 2013 at 11:01 am
I would love to film this! Me and some friends have been wanting to start filming parodies and I saw this and was like "I wanna film that!" and then I saw your comment saying that anybody could. Credit for the script will be giving to you and ill comment on here with a link to the video when it is finished! This made me laugh so much. I dislike Twilight, but this made my day!
loverofWriting said...
Mar. 1, 2013 at 4:27 pm
This seriously made my day,dude. Totally hilarious--except you forgot the part that goes something like:         HORDES OF VAMPIRES FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD: Aaaaagggh! Bella and/or her child may or may not be in danger! We must save them!!!!
Tarrin said...
Feb. 27, 2013 at 12:16 pm
This made me laugh so much!!!! that hilarious!!!!
PeytonLovesHarryPotter said...
Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:09 pm
Hahah last one!
PeytonLovesHarryPotter said...
Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:08 pm
this is sad ive stooped to this out of boredom
PeytonLovesHarryPotter said...
Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:07 pm
actually ill leave two more after this
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