The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.


[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1910 comments.


Ishara BRONZE said...
on May. 24 2013 at 6:11 am
Ishara BRONZE, Colombo, Other
1 article 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is more fun when colored outside the lines

Hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing :P

on May. 12 2013 at 8:05 pm
GleekGamer PLATINUM, Somerset, New Jersey
28 articles 1 photo 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Friendship isn't always easy, but there's no doubt it's worth fighting for."

I do believe I love you. Also, very glad that the TI editors recognized that this is a piece of genius.

HB123 said...
on May. 6 2013 at 1:01 pm
Hahaha.so true :).  love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imagineer said...
on May. 4 2013 at 7:43 pm
Imagineer, Caldwell, Idaho
0 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If all my dreams are in the sky,
How am I to get so high,
If I don't have the wings to fly?"
-Me

Hahaha. Loved it. never read the books and don't plan to, so this was an awesome summary.   :)

on May. 4 2013 at 1:19 pm
transparantspirit434 PLATINUM, Farmington, New Mexico
40 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. -Hebrews 13:5

I think I can go back to bed now. this made my day. There is no point after this.

on May. 3 2013 at 4:11 pm
GwendolynHarisson BRONZE, Rector, Pennsylvania
1 article 2 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than Fear."
"THAT IS MAHOGANY!"
"Your Love, it never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me."

Oh my gosh! This was awesome!!!!!! :D I despise Twilight but this is way too funny!

on May. 1 2013 at 8:52 pm
WitherJones BRONZE, Richfield, Utah
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Never forget who you really are, especially after you just read an amazing book.

I think my life is now complete

on Apr. 30 2013 at 8:34 am
icestar527 BRONZE, Miami, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everybody dies, but not everybody lives"

This is one of the funniest things in my life XD. You  just saved ppl months of reading lmao

sarah98 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 25 2013 at 6:25 pm
sarah98 BRONZE, Holyoke, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 406 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is better to write for yourself and have no audience than write for your audience and have no self.

haha cute!

Cozzy GOLD said...
on Apr. 18 2013 at 5:50 pm
Cozzy GOLD, Pickens, South Carolina
10 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere."
-Joyce Meyer

I find it ironic that there was an ad for a computer game that said, "Find your Bella." O_O This made me laugh!

NIKKILUVZU said...
on Apr. 18 2013 at 3:42 pm
LOL SOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS.

on Apr. 14 2013 at 10:41 pm
estucker1998 PLATINUM, Tuscaloosa, Alabama
20 articles 0 photos 63 comments

Favorite Quote:
The voracious ambition of humans is never sated by dreams coming true, because of the thought that everything may be done better and again. --John Green, The Fault in Our Stars.

Oh my gosh! That was hilarious!! Finally, someone sees how terrible and plotless those books are!! Thank you! That was awesome!!! Thank you thank you thank you! Made my day! I especially loved the part "Wasn't there something about the Volturi? Yeah, but that was anti-climatic" I think the same thing. What kind of ending was that??? I can't stop laughing! 

sunnyday said...
on Apr. 11 2013 at 2:31 pm
This is amazing!

on Apr. 7 2013 at 3:15 am
theatregirl PLATINUM, Lathrup Village, Michigan
30 articles 12 photos 212 comments

Favorite Quote:
"To thine own self be true," -from Hamlet, a play by Shakespeare.
"I have sworn on the altar of god eternal hostility against all forms of tyranny over the mind of man." - Thomas Jefferson

Funny and clever. I still laughing, keep writing . :)

on Apr. 6 2013 at 12:43 am
Laugh-it-Out PLATINUM, Brooklyn, New York, New York
38 articles 0 photos 445 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light" --Dylan Thomas

Lol lol lol lol omg this hilarious couldn't stop laughing ur so funny that basically sums everything up perfect its what I have trying to tell my friends lol I totally would make a movie of this

RedRose17 said...
on Apr. 3 2013 at 8:44 am
RedRose17, Cortlandt Manor, New York
0 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't judge me."

I totally agree with you the books were amazing and the movies were sucky because the person playing bella sucked, the guy playing Edward was ugly he sounded so much cutier in the book and well Jacob was the only one that they got perfect lol

on Apr. 1 2013 at 9:28 pm
PrincessClaire BRONZE, Fayetteville, North Carolina
2 articles 0 photos 41 comments

Favorite Quote:
don't do me do your hair

You know Twilight is actually really good. The books are infinity times better than the movies, just so you know and if you've only seen the movies you can't exactly say "Twilight Sucks!" because it really, really doesn't. In the movies, it's true, Bella does look really weak, but in the books she's amazing. I wish people wouldn't diss Twilight if they don't really get it. But, haters will be haters, and I guess I'll just have to deal :)

nikki1 SILVER said...
on Mar. 29 2013 at 12:11 pm
nikki1 SILVER, Tunkahnnock, Pennsylvania
5 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
i love you not only for what you are but for what i am when i am with you

ABSOLUTLY THE BEST THING THAT I HAVE EVER READ!

on Mar. 27 2013 at 7:12 pm
pulledheartstring, San Jose, California
0 articles 0 photos 54 comments

Favorite Quote:
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. -- Mahatma Gandhi

Oh my gosh, right on. xD

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Mar. 20 2013 at 1:18 pm
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

haha this is hilarious, love it!


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