The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1891 comments. Post your own now!

HeatherPaugh said...
Mar. 8, 2013 at 1:40 pm
VERY funny. i loved it! :) great job!
PeaceLoveCrossCountry This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 10, 2013 at 3:18 pm
hahahahahaa GREAT job this actually sums up the entire saga so, kudos!! :)
alexandas said...
Mar. 7, 2013 at 9:51 pm
Oh, LOL.  My sister watches Twilight a lot and I HATE it, and this is really awesome and completely disses Twilight and makes it seem actually cool in a way.  The "Yay" parts were funny because you know in the actual thing everything is so depressing that there would never be a single "Yay" in it.  This is overall awesome!
yassmin replied...
Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:36 pm
twilight is awesome!!  
Ghostly-Rose said...
Mar. 4, 2013 at 11:01 am
I would love to film this! Me and some friends have been wanting to start filming parodies and I saw this and was like "I wanna film that!" and then I saw your comment saying that anybody could. Credit for the script will be giving to you and ill comment on here with a link to the video when it is finished! This made me laugh so much. I dislike Twilight, but this made my day!
loverofWriting said...
Mar. 1, 2013 at 4:27 pm
This seriously made my day,dude. Totally hilarious--except you forgot the part that goes something like:         HORDES OF VAMPIRES FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD: Aaaaagggh! Bella and/or her child may or may not be in danger! We must save them!!!!
Tarrin said...
Feb. 27, 2013 at 12:16 pm
This made me laugh so much!!!! that hilarious!!!!
PeytonLovesHarryPotter said...
Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:09 pm
Hahah last one!
PeytonLovesHarryPotter said...
Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:08 pm
this is sad ive stooped to this out of boredom
PeytonLovesHarryPotter said...
Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:07 pm
actually ill leave two more after this
PeytonLovesHarryPotter said...
Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:06 pm
hahaha heres anothere
PeytonLovesHarryPotter said...
Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:06 pm
Heres one!  
nikki1 replied...
Mar. 29, 2013 at 12:11 pm
PeytonLovesHarryPotter said...
Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:05 pm
haha just because im bored im going toleave seven comments to make it top commented
Kewdee19 said...
Feb. 19, 2013 at 3:56 pm
Briliant! I wish I'd come up with it first, but now I shall have fun sharing it will all my friends that also don't like Twilight :)
Miniterror said...
Feb. 19, 2013 at 8:41 am
That is hilarious. I'm not really a fan of the twilight saga, but this is as much as I know about it. It does actually seem to stick to the story line.
BellaCharlie said...
Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:14 pm
I could not stop laughing!  I loved how you basically burned Twilight, but kept it light and funny. I hope this gets made into a movie someday.
Misskrose said...
Feb. 15, 2013 at 5:04 pm
This is awesome! I've never read the books and this is like something you'd see in Mad.
Sabeen_Yameen said...
Feb. 15, 2013 at 9:18 am
Nice one. :)
Valiant183 said...
Feb. 9, 2013 at 5:19 pm
This is great. Love it.
Cate.L said...
Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:37 am
This is one of the greatest things I've ever read!  I love Twlight spoofs, you should make this into a movie and post it on youtibe, give us all the link!
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