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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

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This article has 1854 comments. Post your own now!

SandyBeachh said...
Jan. 9, 2013 at 1:49 pm
This is absolutely wonderful. Strange looks come your way when you start laughing hysterically in the middle of a public place. You should make more of these. One on the Hunger Games could be very interesting.
WinterFairy replied...
Jan. 14, 2013 at 9:20 pm
In_Love_with_Writing said...
Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:51 pm
This was really funny. I've read some of the first Twilight book, but didn't finish or read the others. I guess I don't have to now that I've read this :) And check out some of my stories! Please rate them, subscribe, or comment if you can. It really means a lot and brings a smile to my face each time. Thank you so much!
CherriePi This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 5, 2013 at 12:14 pm
Twilight is SOOOO much more than that!!!!!!!! Have you read the books????
CariePierce replied...
Jan. 10, 2013 at 12:22 pm
Oh, hush. It was a fun piece, nothing more. Don't take personal offense (:
EvanLaineThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Dec. 29, 2012 at 6:03 pm
I love you... just... yes this is perfect. words cannot describe the joy that brought me :p
writtenmusic202 said...
Dec. 19, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Quite possibly one of the best things I have read. Great job, I should have just read this instead of the books :) good job!!
Alexx830 said...
Dec. 13, 2012 at 8:34 am
Well done! i really liked it xD i like how stupid edward is as well bravo
Deamer_ said...
Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Lol that was awesome.
SeargantGoober said...
Dec. 10, 2012 at 8:48 pm
I have to say that your story is probably the best thing that has ever been created lol Like I laughed so hard. Oh my goodness. And pretty much what you had in there was how it went. HAHAHA it was just amazing (: - Courtney
iam4evermyself said...
Dec. 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm
CharlieBalzary This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 9, 2012 at 5:18 am
To say this is awsome would be a massive understatement. This fully incapsulates the banality of the entire saga. This dialogue would have made for a better movie experience, as far as I'm concerned. Bravo dude!
MatieKae said...
Dec. 7, 2012 at 11:33 am
Haha oh that's too funny! But so true, I love how accurate it is, it makes it even more amusing!!
poemluv said...
Dec. 4, 2012 at 11:19 am
ahahahaha!! I love it! XD
BlackNether12 said...
Dec. 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm
Seemed like a pretty sick joke on Twilight . . . but it was well written.
Amanda98 said...
Dec. 1, 2012 at 9:44 am
Gods, I'm laughing so hard! First thing I red on Teenink and that makes me extremely happy! xD
DustyHooks. said...
Nov. 27, 2012 at 8:52 pm
I was busting out laughing until the very end, well done.
LaurenD. said...
Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:17 pm
SO true! Melodramatic and I love it! :)
JulesC said...
Nov. 25, 2012 at 10:40 pm
That saved me from wasting half of my life having to reading the series. Thank you, this was awesome
BellaCharlie said...
Nov. 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm
This is hilarious and accurate.  I love it.
J33P3R5CR33P3R said...
Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:18 am
It's amazing how accurate this is. XD
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