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My Best Friend and Abuser
As a child, we rely on our parents to form the adults we are set out to be. In many ways, we are a mold of our parents by decisions that were made for us throughout our childhood. As we look around the world, we can see the consequences and effects of bad parenting. Unfortunately, I’ve been counted as one of them. Growing up with a designer drug addicted mom and an absent dad hasn't been a fairytale. I try not to think about the scars or bruises that cross my body, representing my mother's affection for me or the unwritten birthday cards that my dad supposedly “wrote”. From a distance, I look like I have an extremely desirable life. My mom is an executive director for Vogue and I live on the Upper East side of Manhattan. I go to a prestigious prep school with the goal to prepare me for my Ivory league years. I can have anything I want, just not what I need.
As I walk down the streets of New York, I stop to examine the people around me. Some may think of this as creepy but I would say it's purely factual. I wonder what happens behind closed doors to the people that surround me. What has happened in these people's lives to make them the person that they are today. I'm terrified for my future to come and I will not be ready for it. As I get to school I look around and see all the smiling face and voices that know they are worth more than all the people in the state in Minnesota. Often times, I do wish for a normal lifestyle but I know I have been extremely blessed for what I have been given. I wish for a family that laughs together around the table, puts each other as their priority and supports each other even in the darkest of times. Now the question is how many of us here have that. I walk up the steps and reach my “friends”.
“Did you see the Givenchy dress that Elizabeth wore the other night?” Charlotte teases to the group.
“Oh my Lord, yes it was truly awful, didn't that come out last season”. Harper winces at the realization of her own sentence
“I think the season before that”. Eliza cries as the whole group falls into a pit of laughter.
It baffles me why someone would waste their words on something so unimportant when there are real things to talk about.
The day drags on as I proceed through my classes dreading the thought of returning home to my mother tonight. It is Thursday night. The night of her weekly poker games were the smell of cigarettes and vodka reek throughout the penthouse. Everytime it usually ends with a fist fight or someone losing tons of money. Which she then proceeds to take her anger out on me.
As I walk home, I decide to take a left. I'm too afraid to go home and I do not feel like hanging out with my friends. After I cross the bridge, I end up in Brooklyn. It's pretty here, much more of a laid back vibe. I decide to walk around the Brooklyn Bridge park as nature tends to be me happy place in such a crowded city. I sit down on the grass looking out at the view to see the city of dreams yet some many are lost or wasted. After about an hour of capturing my surroundings I begin to pack up my things and get ready to go. Just as I am about to leave a man comes up to me.
He has beautiful brown eyes. His sandy brown hair flutters into his face with every step he takes.
“Oh hello are you Emily! I'm George, How are you?” He explains.
“Ahhh my name is Emma not Emily, anyways who are you?” I answer.
“Hahaha, I matched with you on a dating app a few days ago, then we planned to meet here today.” C’mon we have to go, I have dinner reservations.” He says.
I think about going home and the thought scares me. Should I just take the chance? Who knows what will come out of it? He is cute.
“ Ahh yes I was just joking with you, where are we going?” I smile.
“You will find out soon.” He replies.
He take smyhand and guides me down a couple of streets until we end up at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the water.
As we enter the restaurant and sit down, he tells me how beautiful I am and that he was surprised to see that I wanted to go out with with to.
I begin to blush rapidly as I know I remind myself that I am not the same person he saw online.
“So, what school do you go to”? He asks
“Damn it, what if he is in college”. I think. “ I go to Regis High School”. I say
He looks stunned. Crap, he is in college.
“Ohh I go to Dalton school. I am a senior but I plan on going to NYU as I am studying business.” He claims.
“I am a senior too. I will be attending Columbia, so we will be right next to each other” I respond.
Throughout the night we talk about school, our families along with our future hopes. He lives in brooklyn with his dad and has a younger brother named James. He likes to poetry slams and sports events. He plays baseball and football for his school. He loves to read and appears to be more of the shy type. He is a devoted catholic and lives by the bible’s rules. He is down to earth, which is a trait I haven't seen in a long time with a hint of confidence. As I talk to him, I begin to forget about the problems that wait for me when I get home. He makes me feel as if I am living a different life, I feel as though I am someone else and have forgotten myself.
After dinner, we end up walking through the park just after the sun has set. We sit down on a bench overlooking the Brooklyn bridge. He begins to tell me about the stars and what they represent. I think I could listen to him talk all day. After about half an hour I check the time and it reads 9:30. My curfew is 10 and you can imagine what happens when I miss my curfew. I explain to him that I have to start heading home and he says he can walk me home. I don’t want him seeing where I live so I only let me across the bridge. After we cross, he stops and asks to see me again. We exchange numbers and head our separate ways.
As I get up to my house I open the door to a bunch of drunk businessmen and woman screaming at each other about the stock market. I begin to walk up stairs until I am grabbed by a trembling hand.
“WHERE WERE YOU?” My mother stutters out.
“ I was hanging out with a friend, mother. “ I explain to her.
“Well I don’t want you hanging out with your friends on a school night.” She said
“ I’m just surprised you noticed, you're usually to busy in the wine cellar”. I said
She slaps me. “How dare you sass me like that woman”. She says
I ignore her and walk up the stairs trying to remember the wonderful evening I just had. His cheeky smile dances through my memories along with the dark brown eyes that stare into my soul. I have never met anyone like this before, someone I can relate to on such a deeper level. The only problem is he doesn't know much about my actual life and I don't know much about his. I lie awake thinking about him until I eventually fall asleep.
The next morning I wake up to a text.
The text states “Hey I had a great time last night, I would love to hangout again”.
I can hardly contain myself from the excitement that has overcome me.
“Yeah! I had a great time last night, when can you meet up again”. I reply
I go downstairs to see my mother blacked out on the coach.
“ Well good morning to you too mother”. I say sarcastically.
I go throughout my normal schedule praying for him to text me back.
After 5th period, I received a text.
“What are you doing this afternoon”. He texts.
“Hanging out with you, I guess”. I reply.
“Okay, I will meet at you at Café Nero at 3”. He says.
After school, I meet up with him.
I get us a table and order while he comes through the door.
Wearing that dress, I would stick with a salad sweetie.
I was taken back by the comment, I had not expected such rudeness to come out of someone’s mouth. After we finish eating, he covers up his large mouth filing it with sentences such as “you are so beautiful” and “You should be a model”. But, I can’t seem to forget about that line.
After lunch we went out for some shopping. We can across some Zara, so we went in and I began browsing through the clothes. I made my way to the dressing rooms and asked for his opinions on certain clothes. I came out in a few dresses and skirts and he loved them. I then came out in a crop top.
“Ohhh noooo way” he laughs
“What, why not?” I reply
“You do not have the body to wear something like that, that is for skinny girls and you do not have a skinny body type”. He answers
I go back into my dressing room and start to cry. After awhile he comes in and comforts me and decides to buy all the clothes (except for the crop top) that I just tried on because they looked “so good” on me.
As I walk home I debate on whether I want to keep this going or if I should break things off now.
I convince myself he will only do it this time. He probably just was a little off today. This wasn't the George I knew.
After a couple of days, he invites me to go to church with him. I accept the offer and meet him at St.Patrick's church where he attends mass every Sunday.I admire a man who goes to church. It means he believes in good morals and praises something other than himself. As I walk through the door I spot him in the second pew and go to sit with him. He smiles at me.
After church we go out for a nice breakfast. Everytime we go out to eat I watch myself more and more with what I order because he is the first to tell me when I gain a pound. After breakfast we head back to his place to watch a movie that he wanted to show.
When we get to his house, we put on a movie and cuddle up next to each other. His hand brushes up against my hair as my head finds its way onto his shoulder.
30 minutes into the movie, he starts to kiss me. He then slides his hands down to my clothes and starts to take them off
“What are you doing?” I ask as a pull away from him.
“I am a son of God. God wanted to have the male of the relationship rule and the female support the male. So when I ask you to do something, I am just trying to live by God’s ways for me. So, I believe whatever I a doing to you know, you should obey me and go along with it.” He says.
“Ummmm, well alright.” I stutter out.
“Can you at least tell me what you are going to do.” I ask,
“Well that ruins the fun.” He replies.
He begins to clearly take advantage of me which I realize the second he touches me. I begin to silently cry not allowing him to see my tears. I tear his arms off of me and tell him that I don't want to do this anymore.
“C’mon, it will only take a second.” He says.
“No.” I argue.
His mood completely changes. He shoves me into a wall and punches me. As he goes in for the second wall I catch his hand and punch him back. After I punch him, he falls to the ground.
“I'm so sorry, I just want to know why you don’t love me?” He begins to cry.
I'm stunned. I just hurt him. That was me, that was all my fault. I am the abuser.
“No, no, no I do love you, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry.” I reply.
“I just cannot believe you hit me, but I forgive you.” he says.
“I’m so sorry, I guess I just got scared.” I respond.
“I think it’s time for you to go home.” he states as he gets up onto his feet.
I walk out of his apartment and onto the street. I begin to cry as I realize what I just did. After I get home, I recall that he hit me first. I mean he only hit me one time and he was probably just angry because I didn’t obey him. Plus, he forgave me for hitting him and he only hit me once and he has never done that before so it is fine.
After about six months of dating him, I am not in the happiest of places. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, he just acts up once in awhile.Often times he will make many comments about my worth but I think that's just the way he grew up talking. He has only hit me a couple of times and they didn't hurt that bad. I believe that the good outweighs the bad and I mean everybody has their flaws. He sure puts up with mine.
I continue giving him second chances after every argument, every insult and every hit. After a year of dating, I was more confused than ever. He is an incredible person but in a second he changes to everything I have feared for in a relationship. I have dealt with the few times of abuse so I can be with him around his best times.
One night I go out with a couple of my friends after another argument with George. These arguments have turned into a daily thing and have preceded to get worse and worse. I needed to get away as my head was spinning and I was afraid for my safety. After a couple of hours I was sure he had cooled down by then so I headed home. As I walk home, I decide to end this toxic relationship once and for all. I am no longer happy at in this relationship and I am worried that if I stay much longer than I might get seriously hurt.
“HOW DARE YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME” He screams as I come through the door.
I steady my voice before I speak. “I have come to tell you that I am leaving, that is it. I will be taking my stuff that I have left here.”
“You can’t get rid of me, I am you're everything, I love you and you love me “. He begins to lower his voice.
“If you loved me, why would you intentionally hurt me”? I stutter out.
“Because that's how men are supposed to treat woman, I'm sorry I can’t help it” He replied.
“ I do it because I love you.” he says.
“I will never love you, you are a monster.” I scream.
He raises his hand at me, I wait for the hurt to come over me like whiplash.
I don’t really remember what happened next but I woke up at 3am with my body in pain.
I look around trying to spot him.
He seems to have fled. I crawl to the phone and dial 911.
“911, whats your emergency”? I hear.
“ My boyfriend has assaulted and I need an ambulance”! I scream.
“Okay, what is your address”. They say.
“I'm located at 39 Fellows way, New York, New York”. I say
“Okay, an ambulance is on their way and we will take care of your boyfriend”. They respond.
“Okay” I reply then go back to the floor and close my eyes.
I few minutes later, I am woken up and loaded into a ambulance.
When I wake up in the hospital I learn that George has been taken to jail and been put on trial. I sit back in relief. I find out that I have three broken ribs with a fractured wrist and a broken ankle. I find my mom standing in the room looking like she . She comes up and gently hugs me.
“This is your fault. You should have known better than getting yourself hurt.” She murmurs
“Well, I didn’t and I don’t want you around me right now so if you could please just step out of the room.” I say.
“No way, i'm not done yelling at you”. She raises her voice.
“Security.” I call.
They take her out while she is screaming at me how much of a disappointment I am to her. Over the years I've learned to block her nasty words out but they hurt a little bit more tonight.
And I fall back asleep, I am terrified to find out what my life will be like once I get out of this hospital.
After a of week, I am released out of the hospital and file a lawsuit and restraining order against George in hopes to never see him again.
A couple months have passed since the event and I haven't seen George since. I have found a job in business, this job has allowed me to earn enough money to move out of my mom’s house for good . Recently, I've joined a therapy group for abused children and have been practicing self love. I have come to find this world in a new light. I always hoped for someone to come along and show me love and hope but I have found that I can be that for myself. I do not need a man to define my worth or a parental figure to determine how much love I should be given. I am the someone that I always needed.