The Mathpire Strikes Back!

April 14, 2009
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I told all of them that math was bad for your health, but nobody would listen. Well who was laughing now?

It was a typical day in the 8th grade. Get to class; do your work, blah, blah, blah. Nothing special. But it was all about to go wrong.

It all started in my 4th hour math class. Our teacher, Ms. Krajnik was out sick today. Or was she?!?!?! We thought nothing of it. It happens from time to time. However, a huge flaming meteor crashing through the wall and hitting a huge stack of random papers in the back of the room is only slightly more uncommon. As you can imagine, we were pretty shocked, but not that much. The protocol was to evacuate the building right away. Meteors often strike twice. Not really, but if it happens once, it has a 1 in 123,456,789 chance of happening again, or something like that. As soon as we got out, a scream rang out. Hovering in the sky was a giant space station. It almost looked like a giant flying math book. That was because it was a giant flaming math book. With 800 pages of DOOM!!!!!!!!! There was a large, bowl shape in the center of it. After what seemed like 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841 seconds, a huge beam came shooting from the dish. Or at least it looked like a beam. Actually, the beam was 2 and a half flaming math problems that were flying straight toward us at a kajilllion miles an hour. I didn’t even know kajillion was a number. The impact of the explosion sent the majority of us flying back into the wall of the school. I must have been the only one who wasn’t knocked to Timbuktu. As the dust settled, those who were knocked back, and by that I mean everyone except me, got up, and I saw my worst nightmare. An army of angry Zombie Nerds!

“Yoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu…”

“Yoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu…”

A mysterious voice came from somewhere in my head, when all of a sudden this scaly old man came popping out of my ear. What. The. Flaming. Monkey Butts?

Yep, this day just keeps getting weirder…

“If you wish to live, pull my finger.”

Why was the talking earwax telling me to pull his finger?

During those last several paragraphs, another beam was shot directly at me. I figured I’m going to be wearing a pocket protector anyway, so I might as well listen to this dude in my ear. I pulled his extended finger and was greeted by an awful smell and a strange sound.

“Sorry, that was the three-cheese bean burrito for lunch.” was all the talking…thing could say. He farted in my head!!! At that we were going at an unbelievable rate of speed down a colorful, spinning tunnel of happiness. Or was it a tunnel of Doom?

We ended up in a strange tunnel with flashing lights and a ridiculous amount of posters that all said, “Many Awesome Teachers Headers” Huh?

A huge banner down the middle of the hallway that I was currently on said, “Welcome to the Big Evil Awesome Math Station of Science of Doom!!!!!!!! (Now serving meatloaf and Beef Jerky in the Cafeteria)” This was without Question the strangest thing I have ever seen. Even stranger than that guy on the street who keeps on calling everybody Bob Hope. Who’s Bob Hope?

The scaly, old man in my head said that we were in the Big, Evil, Awesome, Math Station of Science of Doom!!!!!!!! Because that wasn’t something that was written all over the walls or anything.

After a few second of standing there reading all of the things written all over the walls of this odd structure of some kind, a group of purple Jigglypuff came rolling toward me. Mr. Earwax said that the only way to keep from being hit by the Jigglypuffs rollout attack was to get out of the way. Duh. Rollout is a very inaccurate move to use, and all I had to do was step out of the way before the Jigglypuff got to me. They rolled right past and busted open a door that was called, “The door that no person should enter or you will be forced to watch Monty Python movies” that sounded terrible. I knew that those Jigglypuff weren’t going to have much fun, so I ran ahead and stopped them at the last second. They stopped their rollout and disappeared into the astral plane. Holograms. I decided that I wasn’t going anywhere, so I wandered down that hall that the Jigglypuff came down and found a large sliding door shaped like a banana. I walked in and found Donkey Kong.

“Chapeau!” he screamed at me and jumped from his tree. Why was this monkey screaming hat at me? He speaks French, but he can’t even put on his tie right? He landed right in front of me and grabbed for the lone tuft of hair on his head. He got a firm grab of it and pulled up on it. His face came off nice and clean revealing the face of a judge. Judge Judy?! He/she grabbed his/her face again and that face came off. Under that mask was Donkey Kong. Again.
From his back he pulled out a gavel the size of Idaho and swung it. It hit me right in the head and I went flying out into space. In one of the windows I saw Darth Krajnik standing and laughing at me. Then, I died.



“There is no way in the name of monkey butts that is real.” If you died, how can you be sitting here right now? And Mr. Earwax? What was that?”

The rebels and I were all gathered around a small fire in the burned out capitol of Pootopopia. I was a freedom fighter fighting against the Evil Darth Krajnik. There were days where it would rain flaming math problems, and already 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999% of the world was Zombie Nerds. We were the last 3 people on earth not wearing pocket protectors.

“OK, so maybe I made some of that stuff up, but does it really matter? I think the space station has left, Come out into the open and check. Ill stay here where it’s safe from our glorious mathematical leader…”





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