Kyra’s declassified school survival guide- satire | Teen Ink

Kyra’s declassified school survival guide- satire

April 25, 2018
By Kyra1902 BRONZE, New City, New York
Kyra1902 BRONZE, New City, New York
2 articles 0 photos 0 comments

School, the useless place where your parents send you for the sole purpose of getting you out of the house and to guarantee you are kept busy while you’re at home. With your eyes fighting to stay open with all their might, you stay up till 2 in the morning finishing up homework that was basically a waste of time and finally go to bed feeling as ease. School purposely opens at the crack of dawn to insure the students are sleep deprived and struggling to pay attention. There are studies proving sleep is for the weak and school helps to reduce your dependency on sleep. As well as enhancing your mind, you will spend countless hours dealing with mediocre teachers and in a constant state of boredom, or in other words being amused. Although school is so fun and the highlight of your day, it can be stressful at times, so a few tips to survive school are….
1) Procrastinate, procrastinate, and procrastinate! After all, procrastination is equal to success; Imagine you are sitting at home and you have a essay due at 8:00 pm the next night on a book that is impossible to understand such as “Green Eggs and Ham”. Don’t bother starting that essay until around 7 :00 pm the night it is due, of course, as you already know your best work is always done near the deadline, as that is the time you are calm and not stressed. Plus, you will be guaranteed an amazing grade, after all if you have an average which is a 65 or above you are passing by flying colors, which basically means you are a genius.
2) Be the teacher’s pet. There is always that one kid the teacher has a soft spot for, it’s inevitable. Make it your personal goal to be that kid. Not only does it guarantee you popularity, it also gets you some brownie points, perhaps the teacher will grade your work a bit easier that others. In order to achieve that goal, you must be obnoxious; call out, if you raise your hand the teacher will think you are annoying. Also don't try to get a 100, anyone can get a 100 if they want , aim for the 0. A 0 is far more difficult to achieve than a 100, and therefore should be respected. Additionally, talk to others while the teacher is talking or go on your phone. In a recent survey, it was concluded that teacher love when the students don't pay attention because it obviously means the students are enthusiastic about the learning experience.
3) Make friends with the cockroaches. All schools are disgusting in their own unique way, whether it be bugs crawling everywhere or humongous rats in every nook and cranny. Even after all the taxes you pay, the school never seems to have enough money for important things such as exterminating the cockroaches in the not too shabby building. The school encourages socializing and has gone to the point where humans aren’t satisfying enough and bugs have to now serve as new companions.
4) Your bag should weigh more than you. School assists you in achieving the sharp pain in your back that you so deeply desire. On the plus side, while you aren’t in class, you get a workout. Make sure you carry all the necessities for school such as notebooks, all your textbooks, a few 500 page novels, a triple beam balance, and while you're at it just throw in a hippopotamus.
5) Don’t wear any clothes that could potentially distract other students; remember, this tip only applies to females. Although you have been taught your whole life to express yourself, school is not the place for it. Don’t even try leaving your shoulders exposed; the teachers feel that there is something so mesmerizing about shoulders that the chance of you possibly catching the eyes of those around you is too great to handle. The same goes for legs, elbows, toes, stomach, fingers, and knees. Despite the lack of air conditioning in the school, try covering your entire body in layers of clothing, leaving only your eyes, nose, and mouth uncovered. After all, skin is scandalous and you wouldn’t want to be dressed “inappropriately”.
Consider these tips sacred, revolve your life around following the previous tips religiously. The only way to survive high school, is the Kyra way, which is often called 5 ways to gain success. Keep in mind if you do exactly what is on this list you will be destined for an Ivy league school such as Harvard, which is really just an old school with a bunch of bitter teachers thinking they are super smart. You can thank Kyra for making your exceptionally difficult life a bit easier.

Similar Articles


This article has 0 comments.

Wellesley Summer

Smith Summer

Parkland Speaks