I was just a derp

April 21, 2018
By Tickle_that_pickle BRONZE, Lovington, New Mexico
Tickle_that_pickle BRONZE, Lovington, New Mexico
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

The odd little derp walked into his 7th period class and sat down. It was the first day of school in Derp Village. “Aye yo dumplings, my name be Mr. Glorp and I gon’ be yo math dood. You give me respect, yo get respect back.”  The first thing I noticed about him were the stitches outlining his jaw and face. It was very odd. As the days passed, I began to watch him closer and closer. He was not like any teacher I have ever had before, he was different and I hated it. Why couldn’t he be like everyone else, it doesn’t make sense.“ Question everything” he would always say.


Well I questioned you.


After school the next day I ran home, flooped on my bed, grabbed my laptop, and began investigating. I soon found most of his social media. “Oh wrow.” There was derpo everywhere. This isn’t okay, I mean it's Mr. Glorp. He betrayed mah heart, mah soul, mah bootyhole. I gently squirted on my pillow. Mah babes be rockin’ on mah screen. I felt disgusted with myself and continued researching. I soon found out that he was once in love, but his lover ended up cheating on him with his own daughter. I buried his secrets into my skin and fell asleep.
The next morning I stopped by his room to ask him a few questions so I opened the door and suddenly something goes over my head, then I collapse. I woke up hours later, I assume, and was tied up to a chair with tape over my mouth. As I looked around I saw nothing, it was pitch black and it was very cold. Some type of insect began flying in front of my face and I finally realized that I was outside.


Alone. In the dark. And I couldn’t move. “Aye yo, Gucci how yah doin” said the voice behind me. As the figure walked in front of me and shined the light on my face I saw Mr. Glorp. He threw it at my face which made my chair tip over leaving me on the ground sideways staring at him.


He looked so genuine, so young, so pure. “Guh, well ya see, I guess it be time for yah to see who me really be,” he slowly whispered to me in his astoundingly deep voice.  His hand reached underneath his chin and he began to peel off his face. Blood starting dripping from it and I noticed the vivid red tissue lining and everything,it was beautiful. He grimaced in pain as he finished pulling it off. “Gucci, I know you know mah secrets, but why would yah do such a thing to your old Glorp? My life be none of yo business, you invaded mah privacy. How dare you.” He calmly spoke. He eyes began to fill up with tears as he ripped the tape off of my mouth and untied me. “I’m glad you finally discovered it, Someone had to, I’m just surprised it be you. Since you know the most important thing about me, I guess you are me. I guess it time now.” He leaned over behind me and grabbed a knife and some other instruments that just happened to be lying there. I knew I could make an escape, but I have a feeling everything's going to be okay, as if this was supposed to happen. Maybe I could finally stop being so self-conscious. This is it. It’s going to happen. Right here. Right now. And there is nothing I am going to do to stop this genius from ripping apart my hideous face and turning it into something magnificent.


I felt a sharp pain as it carved right underneath my skin. He took pieces off and laid them down on his jacket he had laid down on the grass before. Moments later blood came pouring down my neck and onto my clothes which left them soaked. He snactched his jacket and gently patted my face with it. “ Agh, you such a clever little derp, you should be so proud of yourself” he spoke into my ear kissing it softly. Mr. Glorp reached over and grabbed his face and gradually applied it to mine. “Oh my..this is..oh...oh boy.” It felt so unnatural, but I loved it. A few hours later our new faces were complete. ‘Aye yo’ dumpling, you look so cute with mah face on!” said Mr. Glorp. “ Aw, thanks, you look even more cute with mine!” I responded.


I led her to muh bathroom, where we cleaned and adjusted ourselves and planned our future together. We decided to not go back to school at all, and her parents didn’t care about her either way, so that issue was resolved. Years later, we ended up having children named Anton and Emily. Emily grew up and became a heart surgeon, and Anton ended up bein’ a phedophile and is still on deathrow. I didn’t want to have children, but Gucci did. I wanted her to be happy for as long as she could because one day, she will add too much parsley to mah chicken soup and I will run her over with my John Deere tractor.


The author's comments:

a derp is just a smurf-like creature. :')


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