Inner thoughts | Teen Ink

Inner thoughts

April 4, 2018

“They all hate me, they are just faking. It feels like I’ve been walking down this hallway forever! My legs feel like lead. They are looking at me. Oh god why do I have to be here, why can’t I just be invisible. I see it, the class is right ahead. Come on just a few more steps. They are coming, I wish I didn’t exist. Why is my heart racing?”
I finally make it to class. Dread enveloping me, I almost tremble in fear. Stepping into the stuffy room and sitting in the back of the class.

“Please don’t call on me.” they do. “I feel like I’m drowning. I look like an idiot. God why can’t I talk. Come on I just need to say the answer. I am so stupid, I can’t even do this right. They are looking at me, laughing. Their snickers echo in my mind, making me only more terrified. I can’t do this.” I can’t get the words out and end up shaking my head and sitting back down, becoming as small as possible.

“That was terrible, my head is throbbing, my face is hot. I couldn’t pay attention for the rest of the class. Why did one trivial answer terrify me so much? God, why can’t they just leave me alone… please. I am alone in this. Why did I even go… why couldn’t I do it… I know why. I am an idiot. A useless piece of garbage. I am not surprised no one wants to be around me. It is so loud. I can barely hear myself” I look around and walk back out into the hallway. I calmly head to my next class, I wasn’t hungry anyway. I sit in the empty room and do my work. I jump as the door opens and the teacher walks in. “What do I do? Do I say hello or just stay silent?” The teacher notices me and says hello, I open my mouth but all that escapes is a choked cry. I walk to my next class, the people passing by become a blur I am the only living thing around me. Everything else is a blur. I rush through the cafeteria to my next class. Leaving the blobs behind. I sit is a chair staring at my paper, “I am alone. There is no one. Do I even exist? Am I even real? What about everyone else? Do they even care?” I excuse myself to the bathroom and go to the sink. I splash water in my face and look up. All I see is a blob. I go back to class sliding the massive heap that everyone calls a body into my chair. The teacher hands my paper back. Another 50, “Why am surprised. I am such a failure. An absolute failure. Why do I even try.” I walk to my final class. The droning of endless chatter drills into my brain. I grit my teeth. “JUST SHUT UP ALREADY”
The bell rings and I can finally go home. Sighing in relief I head to the bus. Screams torment me, loudly echoing in the vehicle. My stop comes and I rush off the bus. “Finally, I’m home.” I unlock my door and rush inside. Happily entering my room and laying down on my bed, eventually falling asleep.

The author's comments:

For my class we had to write an inner monologue so I wrote about a school day.

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