Pain...

December 20, 2017
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I remember the fear as I drove down the highway back home from a weekend with my dad. I had sent out an email to my mom and step-dad, coming out to them as trans. The only email I got back was ‘we’ll talk’. That has so many meanings behind it. We’ll talk about how to support you? We’ll talk about how you got to this point? Who knows… I wouldn’t know until I got back home. I remember my dad telling me everything would be okay. I kept repeating ‘Everything will be okay’ as I walked up the steps and through the front door. My mom was at the table and my step-dad was leaning against the counter.
“Have a seat” My mom said, her voice was serious. I remember my heart stopping and then fluttering around in fear as I sat down across from her.
“So, you sent us an email this weekend saying you were trans. What makes you think that?” She asked me, looking at me. I looked down at my hands then back up at her.
“It means that I don’t agree with the gender that I was assigned at birth, that I’d feel more in agreement with the opposite gender.” I said, looking down at my hands.
“It sounds like you got it from a website” She said. I will never forget the rush of emotions I felt in that moment as those words echoed in my head, I felt the warm tears start to run down my face and I knew that she knew it hurt me.
“Why are you crying baby?” She asked me, looking at me.
“Because you don’t believe me! It hurts that you don’t believe me! And you say that you’ll give my trans friend a couch to sleep on if they need it, but you won’t believe me.” I said through the tears, she looked at me and sighed.
“Kiddo, maybe we can get you some therapy and help you.” my dad said, I looked up at him and cried harder. They didn’t understand. I stood up and tried to leave.
“Where are you going? We’re not done talking. Sit back down.” My mom said, I sat back down.
“We’ll get you help baby girl. I just don’t think you’re right.” She said, I just sat there and cried.
“Can I go now?” I asked through the tears and emotions. She nodded and I got up, gave them both hugs so they wouldn’t think I was angry at them and left up to my room. I was angry and hurt, to think my own parents would say that… Guess I was wrong about them understanding. After asking a few friends they all told me the same thing. ‘Give them time’ they all said, I decided I would give them till my birthday. A few hours passed and I was downstairs watching TV with my step-dad, he turned the TV off and looked at me.
“Tell me what being trans means to you.” He said, looking at me.
“It means I don’t think that being female is right for me. Being male is better for me.” I said, looking at him. He nodded.
“Tell me when you started to have these feelings.” He said.
“It started a few years ago… In Biddeford, the year we left. I didn’t have a word for it, it was unknown to me so I pushed it down and tried to forget it. Then when we came here I still kept it down and tried to hide it. But when I got to high school and met my friends and found out what trans was I realized that was what my feelings were.” I said quietly, tears started to run down my face again.
“Okay, tell me what you’re going by.” He said again, standing up and moving around the living room.
“Um, Alex and he/him pronouns…” I said, watching him.
“I’ll try to understand kiddo. I just want you to be safe.” He said, I got up and we hugged, then I went back upstairs to bed.

 





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