I woke up late last night again. My hands were still shaking from the nightmare that he would turn out like you, like he would shape me out to be even more unstable than you have already made me yet I still think about you as if you were the one who handed me life itself. Why do I still love you? Why are you the one who can never escape my thoughts? I sit up and grab my water bottle and take a small sip before reaching for my phone and unlocking it. I type in the passcode “hobo”. That’s an inside joke between you and I. Am I stupid for that? Probably, oh well I shrug it off and open up snapchat. I had fallen asleep early that night due to my medicine, I sigh at the fact that I missed the opportunity to talk to you some more. I slide past the the other snapchats to your name and open it. I smile, You’re so adorable. “Stop that” I say to my head and smack myself out of it. I double tap to reply and I just stare for a second. So badly do I wanna write everything I feel. I wanna tell you how you’re the most confusing person in my life yet the only one I ever wanna talk to. How whenever you talk to me the butterflies in my stomach flutter so quickly it’s as if they are trying to escape. How whenever you ask me if i’m okay, I lie and say I promise I am so i don’t have to tell you that you’re the reason i’m sad. It’s not that you did anything it’s just the fact that I can’t have you. It’s so hard to watch you talk to other girls but it’s even harder when i realize I can’t be mad because you’re not mine. All I ever wanted was for you to love me the way that I loved you. The more you proved that you were not worthy of my time, the more I gave you the most of it. You’re my person and you said I was yours but I don’t know if I believe anything you say anymore. I love you but even though you say it back do you even love me too? Most importantly I wanna ask you why. Why after all this time that you’ve watched me suffer you’ve done nothing. Is there something wrong with me? Why will I never be good enough for you? I sigh before focusing back into reality. I stare at the keyboard for a couple more seconds before typing the simple response of “sorry I fell asleep” and laying my phone down and attempting to get some rest.
December 19, 2017