- Summer Guide
- College Guide
- Author Interviews
- Celebrity interviews
- College Articles
- College Essays
- Educator of the Year
- Personal Experience
- Travel & Culture
- Current Events / Politics
- Drugs / Alcohol / Smoking
- Entertainment / Celebrities
- Love / Relationships
- Movies / Music / TV
- Pop Culture / Trends
- School / College
- Social Issues / Civics
- Spirituality / Religion
- Sports / Hobbies
- Community Service
- Letters to the Editor
- Pride & Prejudice
- What Matters
Karl Tussles with the GOP
5:42 am. On a Tuesday. Washington, DC.
Karl has glorious hair that is naturally thick and luscious. He is a pretty nice guy. He has a doctorate in science. Yeah, science. Karl has decided that he’s had enough of the GOP and their shenanigans. Karl figures that if it wasn’t for those goons, then maybe, just maybe, America could make some progress towards oh, you know, stopping the destruction of the planet.
So Karl stakes out the Congress place and waits. You know, the one with the white exterior and stones and security people and stuff. All he needs to save the world is a comb, muk (the single best hair product on market, of course), a sippy cup filled with chilled water and cucumbers, a laser pointer, and a CD player ready to rock with “Alive” by Empire of the Sun.
Today, Karl will save the world from climate change.
When the government people arrive, Karl blends in by acting like a big deal and listening intently to special interest representatives. As soon as everyone takes their taxpayer-funded, climate-controlled, well-fitting seats, Karl dashes to the front of the room. Paul Ryan instantly recognizes Karl, because Karl was Paul Ryan’s professor like 18 times for all of Paul’s science classes in college (remember, Karl is a science maestro), and Paul failed each one of those classes miserably. Paul Ryan jumps up and starts yelling about the status quo, but it was always too late for Paul.
Karl knows he has mere minutes before his is silenced by the GOP assassins. Karl whips out his comb to perfect his flowing locks.
“Hello. I am Karl, your science expert for the day. Did you know that we are killing this planet? Yeah. It’s us. Stop denying it. Science. You GOP goons cannot stand by and let this happen. We only have one planet.”
As Karl pauses to sip from his cup, Ted Cruz spouts out something ignorant. Karl shines his laser pointer directly into Ted’s left cornea. Ted shuts up.
Karl continues, “I bet you’ve heard this before and want to deny it and live your ignorant fantasy. Okay, fine. But did you know that we influence the planet, just as I influence my hair?”
Now everyone in the building is on the edge of their seats, like woah, dude has cool hair, how can I get some hair like that.
“Yes, I was born with amazing hair. Yet, I make this hair what it is by using a comb and some muk. Obviously, this is similar to the relationship between humankind and the planet. Yes, we evolved to live on a planet that has some all-natural climate pattern changes. Yet, we make everything a whole lot worse by contaminating water supplies, burning fossil fuels, and cutting down forests, to name a few. GOP people, do you see the connection now?”
After such a succinctly scientific show of force, all of the GOP (even Ted Cruz) understand. As the weight of their awakening to the truth sinks in, the government people in the building realize they must get to work immediately. Their goal: restoring the planet.
Karl hooks his CD player into the sound system at the Congress place. “Alive” blasts, and Karl leaves. He waves to the GOP assassins, who smile and wave back.
Karl goes home to eat some locally grown cantaloupe and sleep.