Full-fledged Guide of How to Be Emo

In order to be Emo, you first need to master the three core ingredients that make up an Emo kid. 1.) the style/clothing. 2.) the hair. And 3.) the attitude. Follow these easy to learn steps, and you'll be Emo in no time.

The Emo style:

Very Crucial Fact: Emo kids only socialize with other "original" Emo/Scene kids, that look exactly like them, and that they can carry out an apathetic conversation with about how much their upper-middle class lifestyle sucks, and about how much their parents are neglecting them, and don't understand their "need" for the newest edition of Guitar Hero. It's very serious. Not joking.

In order to even be optioned to talk to these one of a kind creatures, you first need to become what most cultures refer to as "pathetic." And by that, we mean being ‘orginal’. Note the sincerity. Hot Topic is a good place to start, as well is wearing unflattering shades of black around your eyes. Bandits are in this year. Shock factor is a key component of existence in the Emo life style. Also very serious.

The Emo culture is what we like to call unisex; meaning if it works for girls, it's even better for guys. If you can't wear junior section jeans, then you’re a fatty and should call Jenny. Don’t even think about being optioned for acceptance if you’re over a 0. This will result in a violent street stoning.

Note: The tighter the better (for everything.) Also for both sexes.

Another key factor in Emo culture are the abstract underground band shirts. Usually bought from Hot Topic (See, introduction.) Even if you've never heard of the band, or don't care for the genre, this matters not. Pretend you’re living under communism. It's already preset. From the moment you buy your first chucks, you breathe, eat, and learn bands with any of these key words: "blood", "murder", "guns", "hate", or "depression." Or if you are absolutely new to this, and don’t have a flying f*** of what to do, worry no more; Hawthorne heights is a safe bet.

Note: Black is your friend. Your best friend. It's also your new favorite color along with your sister’s eyeliner, little girl bows, and obnoxiously large head bands with retarded patterns. All acceptable.

Note: Piercings highly boost your status in the cult. And by cult we mean Myspace. Anywhere unflattering is great! Ears, eyebrows, nose, eyes, fingers, random parts of your neck…All are worthy of an A++.


Next. Emo Hair:

Not only will you have to wear Emo clothing from your little sister's closet, but you will also have to take a lawnmower and roll it over your head a few times. Or if this does not suit your “hxcore" needs, then you can simply rub around in the grass for thirty minutes, or have a friend shut their eyes with scissors. Both of these are good. The more it resembles a mullet, the better. Think Billy Ray. But unlike clothing, the hair is not unisex. Even though you may accidentally mistake many Emo guys for chicks, due to their "scene" styles, do not be fooled. There is a difference. And by difference, we mean the females look closer to men. Or dogs.

See: Emo Guy hair:

Note: Bathing is bad. Under no circumstances may you wash your hair.

Characteristics: Black. Remember, Communism? Well, think more of Dictatorship. Anything else will result in premature death. You may, however pair this with a multitude of different colors, generally reserved for Skittle’s, but hey, who’s judging? Only everyone in the world, that’s who! You are original.

Crucial: MUST fall at a 45 degree angle across one eye, and cover no less than 1/3 of the face. Anything else is unacceptable. Must be in uneven layers, and flat ironed. Always cut it yourself. Hair dressers are posers.

See: Emo Girl hair: Unlike your male counterparts, any color goes, just as long as you have a hello kitty bow in it, and it falls over one eye. Random, unflattering layers are your friends. They bring in more Myspace hits.

Finally (because as if this wasn’t long enough). Emo attitude:

So, now you've got the style, and the hair. If you've done everything correctly, you should resemble Jefferee Star. And by Jefferee Star we actually mean stupid. If not, go back to the top, and repeat. But Emo kids are HIGHLY complex individuals, and can't be defined simply by their hair, and clothing. In order to be truly Emo, you need to have the "attitude." Emo kids are depressed creatures. They cry during breakups, conversations, and Dr. Phil. So why is it so surprising that they take anti-depressants? Or claim to? Because, well, it’s not…

In order to reach your full Emo potential, a few things will have to be added to your shopping list. This includes a Myspace; a website devoted to the art of torturing and bashing other fellow members of the “Emo” crowd, and spotting “posers.” The website also sports features that will allow you to show other children just how non-conforming you truly are. To successfully do this, you need to go into your bathroom, hold your camera at obscenely odd angles, and take a bazillion pictures. It’s artsy. And if you’re not wearing any pants than great, half of your site hits consist of fifty year old men. Give yourself a pat on the back, you’re not legal! Along with a Myspace, a camera, and a bathroom, you will need Photo Shop, because chances are, your photos look like sh** because they were taken in the bathroom mirror, and need some touching up. Then you will need to post these on MySpace and create a blog about how you hate yourself. Mention that you need to go on a diet. But of course you’re lying, because if you really did indeed hate yourself like you truly state, then you would not have over 60 pages of yourself “pouting” in your bathroom mirror. But others don’t need to know this detail.

Note: Poetry and art are key components of the Emo "attitude." Even if you cannot draw or write for sh**, pretend you can. Steal if you have to. Whatever it takes. Most Emo kids do not possess the skills anyways, so your best bet is to take highly depressing songs and copy and paste the lyrics around the Photo Shopped pictures of you in your bathroom. It's very high quality. Very.


But even if you do manage to master all the above, you won't TRULY be Emo until you can create an air of superiority about your self.


Basics: If they don't look like you, dress like you, have the same hair you do, act differently, and claim to like Hawthorne Heights, then they are "Posers." Next to OMFG, and NIGZ, this may possibly be the most favorited word of the Emo culture. You will learn to wield it accordingly.

End: Now, if you have followed these steps to a T, then you should be a full fledged Emo. Welcome. You have the style, the ‘way cool’ hair, and the attitude. You are now a true original being. Now get out of here you original being you, the world needs your tears to contribute to the water dilemma!





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forgettable said...
Feb. 21, 2014 at 11:27 am
hahaha very interesting article!
 
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