Sunday School Massacre

March 7, 2009
By NathanLaughs BRONZE, Canfield, Ohio
NathanLaughs BRONZE, Canfield, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Prompt: Write about a Good thing gone bad.

Blair walked through the halls of the run down building until she came to the familiar door she was used to seeing every Sunday. The flaked paint of the frame added an old-fashioned, run-down but classy look that made people wondered what the hard earned pennies they found on the floor at the supermarket they put in the offering plate were contributing to. Blair opened the door to find exactly what she had planned: 19 preschooler boys and girls in their adult-styled Sunday best sitting quietly and smiling. Blair nearly had a hard attack from shock. Instead, her tightening grip on the doorknob tore the door off the hinges substituted perfectly.
She knew it was too good to be true because the moment the supervising sister left the room, chaos occurred.
?No! Billy! Please, don?t drink from the holy water urn!?
?Michael, Susan, let?s not play the ?I?ll show you mine if you show me yours? game today!?
?Rachael and Leslie, we aren?t trading dresses right now, put those back on right now!?
?Becky! Where did you get that lipstick from? Don?t draw on the moral of the pope with that! That is very, very disrespectful!?
?Ryan! Young man put down that chalk! We do NOT draw that in church, or anywhere!?
?Everyone, by the love of God sit down right now before I curse the heavens out of you!? Blair took a huge breath as the toddlers scurried to the pale purple velvet chairs that were 6 times the size of the children. Awkwardly, they slouched in the chairs and played with the large bows and clip-on ties their parents expected them to prance around in.
?That?s more like it! Now, today we are going to learn about a man called Deborah! Has anyone-?
?My mommy watches a show with her! It?s about a guy who is??the child stopped to giggle, ?His name is Will and Deborah?s name is Grace! Grace is a fruit of the spirit-?
?Okay thank you Charlie! No, this is a different Deborah. Deborah was a judge in the bible and she was also-?
?Oh! My mom also watches that show! Ohhh is she mean. She always yells at people and gives them the angry face-?
?Charlie! Please don?t interrupt! This woman was a judge and the only woman prophet in the bible! All the others were men!?
?My mom says men are so stupid they can?t even make their bodies move to get up from the couch! She said they are so stupid that they can?t make a woman happy because of the-?
?Janette! That?s enough!?
?Miss Blair my mommy said that too! She said men are so stupid, that?s why my mommy likes girls so much. And I mean my mommy likes girls A LOT...?
?Kids! Do not interrupt me again! Now, Deborah did many important things. She appointed a man named Barak to lead an army to conquer Sisera-?
?Barak! He?s the new president! My mommy said he was a poophead!?
?That?s not true! My dad said John McCandyCain was a poophead!?
?I thought John McDonalds was against Viagra? Is Viagra like chocolate milk??
?No, she said Sieara Mist stupid!
?Ohhhhh? Hey, I?m not stupid! You are!?
?Nuh uh! Barrack O?bama is stupid!?
?Nooo! Your O?Mama is stupid!?
?Doesn?t he have dark skin? Charlie has black skin! Miss Blair doesn?t that mean he?s sick or something??
?Well, God made everyone different Janette??
?When my grandpa sees someone like that he says a word really quiet, a really really bad word!?
?What word?!? The child leaned over and whispered something loud enough for the whole class to hear.
?Billy! That?s an awful word to say! Don?t say that!?
?Awww, Billy, that?s not even a bad word! When my dad drops something on his foot he yells-?
?Charlie! Stop that right now! Well class, I see you have an extra amount of energy today.? Blair paused to point a finger a boy tormenting a girl with a cruel face. ?We are going to outside and catch butterflys in the field. The boys can play baseball if they liked, as we admire the wonderful nature God created us.?
?Yayyy!? the obnoxious children screamed as they ran out the door, bats in hand, and rushed ahead of Blair. She had intended for this to be a break for her until she realized what the children where doing in the field. She could not believe the sight infront of her- each of the children were searching for butterflies and smacking them with the baseball bats. On a positive note, they were singing ?Jesus Loves Me? while committing the crime. ?Jesus Loves- FWAM! ? Me this I- KAWPOW! ? know! For the bible- DUNK! NICE ONE KATIE!- tells me so!?
?Children! Children please!? Blair removed the baseball bat from one of the children and through it away from him. ?This is not how we treat God?s creations! What? What?s the matter??
The little girl began to cry and the tears flowed from her eyes even faster than the yo-yo of snot hanging from her nose. ?I hate you Miss Blair! You?re a-?The surrounding children gasped in surprise of the word the little girl used.
?No she?s not; she?s not even a dog!? Billy laughed stupidly.
?That?s it! Janette, you?re in time out. Go back to the classroom and wait for us there.?
?But, but but but!?
?Go! Be blessed, may the demons be ridded from you!?
When Blair turned around, she was not even surprised to see the children slipping and sliding in a gigantic puddle of mud, getting their fine clothes covered in the brown guck. ?No! Kids! Stop that right now! Stacey please tells me you did not just eat that! Spit that out! Kids, how are we going to get this off of you?!?
?I know! The big baptismal in the church! We can take a bath in there! And be blessed, like you always say Miss Blair!?
?Kids no! No stop!? But her words where no good. One by one, the children made their way in a running line into the main church hall, leaving tracks of mud and guck behind them. Up the main isle they went, past the organ, and dove into the baptismal in a synchronized order.
Blair ran in to find shocked faces on the congregation. The priest turned around and took a long, painful series of sips from the communion chalice. The organ paused its screeching hymn of ?Fields of Thy Mercy? and quickly switched to ?Be blessed in the Holy Water of the Lord?. Blair fled from the building and began her long and successful occupation as a crazed alcoholic.

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This article has 4 comments.

Ross said...
on Apr. 15 2009 at 5:14 pm
I love this! Captures children at their high! It's uber funny because its uber true! Makes fun of kids as it makes fun of adults! Also teases church with an "old ladies talking during the sermon" air. Love it!!!

on Apr. 14 2009 at 2:04 am
NathanLaughs BRONZE, Canfield, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This is fantastic.

elouise said...
on Apr. 14 2009 at 1:46 am
i love this... my love for this story burns with the intensity of a thousand suns...and then some.

LesMisXAnime said...
on Apr. 13 2009 at 9:46 pm
Nice one Nate. I especially like the butterfly bashing. That scene was somehow familiar yo me. Hmmm...


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