Flutter

October 13, 2017
By ,
I sat at my usual coffee spot outside of the metropolitan city, staring aimlessly outside the window of the Bay Area. My coffee cup sat unsteadily on the edge of the table, the last remaining dregs of my third cup was left abandoned at the bottom. The city was quiet and dark as I was the only one at the shop in the early hours of 5 am, the glow of my laptop the only sliver of light in the shop. I remember wrapping my coat closer to me, shielding myself away from the cold and dark atmosphere even though the heater was clearly on and the sun was starting to rise. To be clear, I was never afraid of the dark, but I was afraid of being alone and that is not merely the same thing.

I was tired, as it was the third all-nighter in a row but my mind still wandered endlessly of a life casted in the orange and rose colored hues of the countless sunsets we’d watched and how the sky would morph to black and blue, sprinkled with little freckles of the night sky. I didn’t want to think about him, or talk about him, or even remember him, but the more I deprived myself from such independence, the more the memories in my mind mocked me, begging me to close my textbooks and run back to him. But I couldn’t- I couldn’t and wouldn’t let myself become what my mother and my mother’s mother endured. I wasn’t going to let myself be too absorbed in a man, a man I didn’t know would be by my side through thick and thin, sickness and in health. So now, there are days where I’m living entirely in the simple comfort of myself. Walking through this city and remembering how heavy my heart used to feel in my chest.

Though lately, those mornings in the coffee shop are not self deprecating, but self enhancing. I can feel it, my heart, begin to flutter again. So now I wake in the cold mornings of the Industrial City, riding my bike to my favorite coffee shop, with my dog Reece sitting in the basket. I can feel it flutter again, and maybe one day, it’ll be ready to fly.





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