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Lords and Jesters

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Dramatis Personae:
Trey Siblings
          Zale - Twin of Egbert (fraternal), dream boy type
          Egbert - Twin of Zale (fraternal), nerdy type
          Xaligiv - Super tomboy, is constantly confused for a boy, she blames it on the name, everyone else, on the hand-me-downs

Azar Siblings
          Rosalind - Pretty, kind, if if not the brightest bulb
          Ari - Really intelligent, sister and best friend of Rosalind
          Galen - Their brother, sometimes acts like one of the girls

                                    Act 1, Scene 1
                      (Trey living room with view of lake)
Enter ZALE, EGBERT, and XALIGIV with luggage

Zale (exclaims): Why do we always have to stay at this lake house                           in the summer? No one lives around here.

Egbert: Because we’re still teenagers and don’t have a say in where             we go for vacation. Besides, this is better than you moping             around at home about how your girlfriend broke up with                 you.

Zale: It’s agonizing, Bertie, and it came out of nowhere.

Egbert: Well, she did tell you that she would break up with you if                 you didn’t stop being so angsty. That was a week before                 she dumped you.

Zale: I thought she was joking, she says -said- that a lot.

Xaligiv: There’s nothing you can do, let’s go swim in the lake.

Zale: …Fine, let’s go.
Exeunt
                                      Act 1, Scene 2
                                       (Azar porch)
Enter GALEN and ROSALIND
Galen: You know, I always miss this place when we go back home.

Rosalind: Why? No one lives here, just old people and families with                small kids.

Galen: Life isn’t always about flirting with cute guys, you do realise           that right?

Rosalind: Yeah, but, no offense, I get bored of you.

Enter ARI

Ari: You don’t have to act embarrassed by Galen, no of your friends        are here to silently judge you and everyone else

Rosalind: I’m not scared of them.

Galen: Just stop hanging out with them, they’re a bad bunch.

Rosalind: I’ll try, promise. Let’s go get ice cream or something, not                like there’s much we can do here.

Ari: Oh hush, and stop whining.
Exeunt
                                           Act 1, Scene 3
                          (Outside of the local farmers’ market)
Enter ROSALIND, ARI, and GALEN
Enter ZALE, EGBERT, and XALIGIV from inside the market


Zale (bumping into ROSALIND): Oh, sorry.
Beat
Zale (con’t): You new around here? I don’t think we’ve met.

Rosalind: I’m not, but I agree, we haven’t met. I’m Rosalind, this is               Ari, and Galen.

Zale: Hey, you have just as weird names as us. This is Egbert, Xal,         and I’m Zale.

Rosalind: That’s not confusing at all.
ZALE, EGBERT, ARI, and ROSALIND strike up a conversation

Xaligiv (aside to GALEN): Is it just me, or have we suddenly                                                stumbled into a mellower, more boring                                          version of a Shakespeare comedy?

Galen (aside to XALIGIV): Definitely. But which comedy, for that is                                        the question.

Xaligiv: I’d say… Much Ado About Nothing, going by my brothers’                 personalities. Zale is totally a Claudio and Bertie can be a               Benedick when he tries.

Galen: I agree, but then what does that make us? Dogberry and his           constable or Don Pedro and Leonato?

Xaligiv: Neither, I picture us more as the English audience in the                 17th century.

Galen: What? You mean trying to force the actors to make different            decisions while also mocking them and throwing things?

Xaligiv: Minus the throwing of things, but yeah.

Galen: Okay, sounds fantastic!

Xaligiv (reentering the group): So, do your names mean anything?

Ari: What do you mean?

Zale: Well, my name means “power of the sea”, and Egbert’s                    means “bright edge”.

Ari: Oh. …Ros, you can go first, yours is less complicated.

Rosalind: Okay, my parents are into Shakespeare, so they named                  me after the main character in As You Like It.

Zale: Yawn, boring, next.

Rosalind: My name isn’t boring, at least it doesn’t sound like I’m                   destined to become part of a stupid boyband.

Zale: Hey, my name is cool, it has a fun ring to it!

Galen (aside to XALIGIV): I change my vote, this is definitely                                               Taming of the Shrew.

Xaligiv: Well, now that’s just malicious of you. According to Taming             of the Shrew, women who are witty and strong-willed must             be forced into submission by men.

Galen: We can argue about that later, right now we should probably           help break up a fight.

Ari: Anyway, Galen’s name means “calm”, and my name is a Latin         word spelled backwards.

Egbert: So… ira? Which means anger?

Xaligiv: Hey, our name’s are similar in that way, mine also is a                   Latin word.

Ari: Vigilax, so you were a very watchful baby?

Xaligiv: The quietest of them all. And by “them all”, I mean Zale                 and Egbert, who shouted a lot.

Galen: Um,  shouldn’t we head home soon?

Ari: Right, need to get home for dinner.

Rosalind: Do we have to?

Galen: Yes, now let’s go.

Rosalind: Fine. Bye!

Egbert and Zale: Bye.

Xaligiv (Simultaneously): Adios!

Zale: Really dude?
Exeunt
                                           Act 1, Scene 4
                                      (Trey twins’ bedroom)
Zale: Isn’t Rosalind the most beautiful creature you have ever                 seen?

Xaligiv: Whatever you say… Orlando.

Zale: Don’t throw Austen-

Xaligiv: Shakespeare.

Zale: At me. I’m in love.

Xaligiv: Says the boy who, two days ago, was bemoaning the fact               that the love of his life, fittingly named Rosaline, had                     dumped him. I mean, could you be anymore Romeo?

Egbert: Out of curiosity, who would you choose if Rosaline wanted                you back? Rosaline or Rosalind?

Zale: Rosalind, obviously, she’s way smarter.

Egbert (under his breath): Not that that's saying much.

Zale: What was that?

Egbert: Oh, nothing. I think the new love of your life is here                       though.

Enter ROSALIND, ARI, and GALEN

Galen (aside to XALIGIV): How are the lovebirds?

Xaligiv: Bert’s acting like Benedick, like he isn’t totally in love with               Ari. I just found out that Zale’s old girlfriend was named                 Rosaline, so he seems like Romeo to me now. How’s your               side doing?

Galen: Ari is acting like Elinor Dashwood, putting Rosalind’s feelings           before her own. As a warning, Rosalind is going to pretend             to be in love with you to make Zale jealous.

Xaligiv: What? That makes no sense.

Galen: That’s Rosalind for you. Sort of a non-sequitur, but has                   anyone ever mocked you for reading Austen and                             Shakespeare?

Xaligiv: No, but I have a black belt in karate, so…

Galen: That would help wouldn’t it?
Break
Xaligiv: They’re sort of sickening, aren’t they… Zale and Rosalind.

Galen: Yeah, it probably won’t last, but we’ll humor them.

Xaligiv: Okay, but if I get annoyed with the fake flirting, I can call it             off, deal?

Galen: Deal.
Blackout
                                        Act 1, Scene 5
                              (Beach outside Azar house)
Enter ROSALIND
Rosalind: Hey Xal, what’s up?

Xaligiv: Hello Rosalind.

Rosalind: What’cha doing?

Xaligiv: Reading, what else would you expect when I have a book in             my hand?

Rosalind: Look, you could at least talk to me.

Xaligiv: I am.

Rosalind: I mean in more than one sentence answers, that was our               agreement.

Xaligiv: Actual, there was no agreement, your brother just told me               you were going to flirt with me to make Zale jealous. There             was never anything said about me having to flirt with you.

Enter ZALE

Rosalind (con’t): So Xal, do you think I would like the book you’re                            reading? It looks so very fascinating.

Zale: Hey Rosalind, how are you?


Rosalind: Oh, hey, great. So Xal, what do you think?

Xaligiv: It all depends, do you usually like tiny print and bible thin              pages about dead white dudes?

Rosalind: Yes, actually, I do.

Xal: Really?

Rosalind: Really, I find them spectacular.

Xal: Okay, I’ll can get you the second copy I have.

Rosalind: Oh my god, you are the best.
Exit XALIGIV
Rosalind (on phone): See you around … Zale, right?

Zale: Yeah, see you around.
Exit ROSALIND
Zale (shouting after ROSALIND): You do realise she’s a girl, right?
Exit ZALE

                                  Act 2, Scene 1
                               (Trey living room)
Zale (entering): Guys! Rosaline said she wanted to see me, that                             she’s really sorry for dumping me, isn’t that great?
Beat
Zale (con’t): Guys? Any response, at all?

Egbert: I thought you were in love with Rosalind.

Xaligiv: Yeah, seems sort of a jerk move, dude.

Zale: What do you know? Egbert, you’ve never even been in a                 relationship and Xal let Rosalind flirt with her. So, I’m taking           the car, bye.
He exits

Egbert: Well, this is just great.

Xaligiv: Yeah, he’s mad at me for something I had no say in. He’s               also gonna break Rosalind’s heart.

Egbert: Right, which will totally ruin my chances with Ari. I can’t                 believe how selfish Zale is sometimes.

Xaligiv: …Really dude?

Egbert: Sorry, he’s just infuriating. Come on, let’s find the trio, we               need to break the news.

Xaligiv: No need, here they come.

Enter ROSALIND, ARI, and GALEN

Rosalind: Hey guys, where’s Zale?
Beat

Egbert: You want to take this one, Xaligiv?

Xaligiv: Okay. (To GALEN) Zale got a text from Rosaline. She said               that she misses him and wants to get back together. So he             took the car and left to go see her.

Rosaline: That’s… That’s nice. Good for him.
She exits

Galen: Are there any actually chances that Rosaline was telling the           truth?

Egbert & Ari: What do you mean?

Galen: Well, from what Xal’s told me, Rosaline acted very much like            Romeo’s Rosaline in Romeo and Juliet, so isn’t more likely              that Rosaline’s besties thought that this would be a hilarious            practical joke?

Xaligiv: Yeah, there’s no chance that she still loves him. I honestly               don’t think she ever did.

Galen: Well, this sucks… But you said you had something to show              me?

Xaligiv: Come and see the version of Pride and Prejudice I found,                 it’s so cool.

They exit

Ari (annoyed): Your brother’s a little twerp, or, as my brother would                       say, an odiferous clay-brained malt-worm. I can’t                           believe Ros would fall for him, but I guess I will                             have to stand by her decision.

Egbert: Would he really say that? Seems so unlike him to have a                 temper at all.

Ari: I’ve actually heard him tell people things like that.

Egbert: I’m sorry my twin ruined your sister’s life, he doesn’t try to             be a jerk, he’s just so much of an imbecile that he is.

Ari: It’s not your fault, I should probably go find Rosalind though           before she turns into Juliet.
Exeunt
                                         Act 2, Scene 2
                                       (Azar living room)
Enter ARI
Ari: Hey Ros, you okay? …Ros?

Rosalind: You know, I should’ve guessed. Everyone I’ve liked- like                  that- have been stupid, self-centered, a sleazeball, or all                three. I don’t know why I get my hopes up now.

Ari: Because you’re human. You’ll find someone, I promise.

Rosalind: But what if there’s only one person for me and I’ve                         missed them because I’m too shallow to notice other                       people?

Ari: We’re not even eighteen yet, people hardly ever meet the loves       of their lives in high school. Besides, I doubt there’s just one           person for everyone.

Rosalind: You act like you’re not in love.

Ari: I-I don’t know yet-Bert’s nice, but I don’t know all that much           about him, ya know?

Rosalind: Maybe that’s my problem, I barely knew anything about                 any of my boyfriends, I know nothing about… Zale

Enter GALEN, running

Galen: Hey Ros, how ya doing?

Rosalind: Okay enough.

Galen: Good. You want to go get some ice cream or something?

Rosalind: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Galen: Okay, let’s all go
Exeunt
                                        Act 2, Scene 3
                                   (Trey twins’ bedroom)
Egbert: Do you think I should ask Ari out?

Xaligiv: Not really-

Egbert: -Why not, do you not think she likes me?

Xaligiv: No, I think she does, it’s just, you’ve only know each other             for what, four days?

Egbert: Four days, two hours, and ten minutes.

Xaligiv: The fact that you’re even counting minutes means that                   you’re probably aren’t ready for a relationship.

Egbert: I guess. What do you think will happen when Zale gets                   back?

Xaligiv: I think he’ll be attacked by three very angry girl-people.

Egbert: I feel sort of bad for him…

Xaligiv: Why? It’s his fault he fell for such a stupid trick.

Egbert: But Ari and they will give him hell.

Xaligiv: Then too bad for him.
Exeunt
                                      Act 2, Scene 4
Enter ZALE from one side and ARI, ROSALIND, and GALEN from the other

Zale: Hey guys, how are you?

Galen: … Run away, run away now, run away quickly, so you don't             get killed by my angry sisters.

Zale: Ha, funny joke, Xal.

Galen: It wasn’t a joke.
Exit GALEN, ROSALIND, and ARI
 

Zale: Wait! Don’t go! …I’m -I’m sorry.
Exeunt
                                         Act 3, Scene 1
                                      (Trey living room)
Enter ZALE

Zale: Hey guys.

Egbert: So, now that you’ve broken Rosalind’s heart and angered                 everyone, you come back.

Zale: Dude, it’s not my fault that-

Xaligiv: That what? That you flat out lied to us, telling us you’d                   choose Rosalind over Rosaline, that you don’t seem to care              that you’ve broken her heart or that you refuse to admit                  that you did like a grown adult would.

Egbert: Have you apologized yet?

Zale: I mean, I haven’t really-

Xaligiv: Have you apologized yet?

Zale: No.

Egbert: I’m not talking to you until you do, good day.
Exit EGBERT

Zale: What’s his problem? I guess I did screw up a bit. But how                could I know that such actions would have these giant                    ramifications? It feels like the world is ending and that it’s my          fault-again. Though, it can’t be all my fault, can it? Who can            have the forethought to-

Xaligiv: No, you don’t deserve a soliloquy, go talk to her, now.

Zale: Okay, okay, I’m going
Exeunt
                                         Act 3, Scene 2
                                       (Azar front door)
Zale: I demand that you let me in!

Enter GALEN

Galen: What right do you have to be making demands of us? It’s                hardly gentlemanly of you, but then, I don’t we can expect              many manners from the likes of you.

Zale: What have I done wrong?

Galen: You’re seriously asking that?

Zale: …What can I do to make it better?

Galen: Nothing, all you can do is wait for her to forgive you.

Zale: But we leave tomorrow.

Galen: Tough luck.
Exeunt
                                     Act 3, Scene 3
                                (Location unspecified)
Enter EGBERT, ARI, GALEN, XALIGIV, and ZALE, sulking

Egbert: Well, it was nice meet you all. Sorry again about my                       brother breaking Rosalind’s heart.

Ari: It wasn’t your fault, I had fun before all the drama happened           though.

Galen: Here’s our phone numbers if any of you want to talk to us.              See you next summer?

Xaligiv: I’m counting on it. Zale, say something.

Zale: Yeah, it was nice knowing you.

Exit EGBERT, ARI, and XALIGIV

Galen: Hey Zale? Just to let you know, Rosalind didn’t mean to hurt           you by fake flirting with Xal. …Anything you want me to                   relay to her.

Zale: No, I’m too sick of girls to talk to them.

Galen: Don’t do that man, she’s really sorry, just apologize. You’re             not going to gain any respect by being stubborn, you’re                   going to lose a lot.

Zale: Goodbye Galen, hope I never see you again.

He starts to exit

Galen: I tried to help, remember that.
Exeunt
                                      Epilogue
Galen: As Rosalind -Shakespeare Rosalind, not ours- said:
             It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue;
            but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord
              the prologue. If it be true that good wine needs
                  no bush, 'tis true that a good play needs no
          epilogue; yet to good wine they do use good bushes,
           and good plays prove the better by the help of good
                                      epilogues.
        Now, I highly doubt that you enjoyed this play at all, so this           epilogue probably won’t improve it. But you all probably                 wanted to throw apples at us for the ending so I figured I               might as well explain a few things. Ari and Egbert got                     together and stayed that way all the way through college, yay         them. Rosalind stopped being an idiot, eventually, broke off             from her friends, and went on to do great, unspecified things -         probably meaning that she did nothing but we’re trying to               give her more of a character arc. As for Zale, he never got             smarter and never called Rosalind so-

Enter XALIGIV

Xaligiv: Hold on, hold on. A) You haven’t said anything about me,               even though I’m the best. B) Zale did grow out of it, he                   also did great, unspecified things. In fact, maybe you                     missed this because you don’t talk to your sisters that                     much, Zale just texted Rosalind yesterday.

Galen: Oh really, what did they say?

Xaligiv: Something like this:

Zale (texting): Hey Rosalind. This is Zale, you know the guy who                           broke your heart way back in Junior year of high                             school. This is really late coming, but I’d like to                               apologize for that, for breaking your heart. I’ve                               grown up since then and have realised what a                                 terribly shallow person I was. Sorry again.

Rosalind: Hi Zale. You are forgiven, I was just as self-centered as                 you were back then. I, however, would like to say I’m                     sorry for fake flirting with Xal and getting you all jealous.               No hard feelings yeah?


Zale: Yeah, smiley face emoji

Xaligiv: Oh, and C) you’ve forgotten to mention what you’ve been               doing.

Galen: That’s because I’ve not done anything yet.

Xaligiv: You’ve just written a whole play.

Galen: So? That’s easy, a freshman in high school could do that.

Xaligiv: Okay, be self-deprecating. Hey,  just curious, but who are               the lords and who are the
            jesters in this play?

Galen: That’s for the audience to decide.

Xaligiv: Meaning that it meant nothing and you just thought it was               a good title.

Galen: Don’t act like that, titles are hard to come up with.

Xaligiv So? You could at least try.

Galen: I could. Anyway, because you interrupted me there’s no l               longer an ending to this play.

Beat

Xaligiv: Um, have good rest of your life, I guess? Good night!
 

Curtain






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