Zale - Twin of Egbert (fraternal), dream boy type
Egbert - Twin of Zale (fraternal), nerdy type
Xaligiv - Super tomboy, is constantly confused for a boy, she blames it on the name, everyone else, on the hand-me-downs
Rosalind - Pretty, kind, if if not the brightest bulb
Ari - Really intelligent, sister and best friend of Rosalind
Galen - Their brother, sometimes acts like one of the girls
Act 1, Scene 1
(Trey living room with view of lake)
Enter ZALE, EGBERT, and XALIGIV with luggage
Zale (exclaims): Why do we always have to stay at this lake house in the summer? No one lives around here.
Egbert: Because we’re still teenagers and don’t have a say in where we go for vacation. Besides, this is better than you moping around at home about how your girlfriend broke up with you.
Zale: It’s agonizing, Bertie, and it came out of nowhere.
Egbert: Well, she did tell you that she would break up with you if you didn’t stop being so angsty. That was a week before she dumped you.
Zale: I thought she was joking, she says -said- that a lot.
Xaligiv: There’s nothing you can do, let’s go swim in the lake.
Zale: …Fine, let’s go.
Act 1, Scene 2
Enter GALEN and ROSALIND
Galen: You know, I always miss this place when we go back home.
Rosalind: Why? No one lives here, just old people and families with small kids.
Galen: Life isn’t always about flirting with cute guys, you do realise that right?
Rosalind: Yeah, but, no offense, I get bored of you.
Ari: You don’t have to act embarrassed by Galen, no of your friends are here to silently judge you and everyone else
Rosalind: I’m not scared of them.
Galen: Just stop hanging out with them, they’re a bad bunch.
Rosalind: I’ll try, promise. Let’s go get ice cream or something, not like there’s much we can do here.
Ari: Oh hush, and stop whining.
Act 1, Scene 3
(Outside of the local farmers’ market)
Enter ROSALIND, ARI, and GALEN
Enter ZALE, EGBERT, and XALIGIV from inside the market
Zale (bumping into ROSALIND): Oh, sorry.
Zale (con’t): You new around here? I don’t think we’ve met.
Rosalind: I’m not, but I agree, we haven’t met. I’m Rosalind, this is Ari, and Galen.
Zale: Hey, you have just as weird names as us. This is Egbert, Xal, and I’m Zale.
Rosalind: That’s not confusing at all.
ZALE, EGBERT, ARI, and ROSALIND strike up a conversation
Xaligiv (aside to GALEN): Is it just me, or have we suddenly stumbled into a mellower, more boring version of a Shakespeare comedy?
Galen (aside to XALIGIV): Definitely. But which comedy, for that is the question.
Xaligiv: I’d say… Much Ado About Nothing, going by my brothers’ personalities. Zale is totally a Claudio and Bertie can be a Benedick when he tries.
Galen: I agree, but then what does that make us? Dogberry and his constable or Don Pedro and Leonato?
Xaligiv: Neither, I picture us more as the English audience in the 17th century.
Galen: What? You mean trying to force the actors to make different decisions while also mocking them and throwing things?
Xaligiv: Minus the throwing of things, but yeah.
Galen: Okay, sounds fantastic!
Xaligiv (reentering the group): So, do your names mean anything?
Ari: What do you mean?
Zale: Well, my name means “power of the sea”, and Egbert’s means “bright edge”.
Ari: Oh. …Ros, you can go first, yours is less complicated.
Rosalind: Okay, my parents are into Shakespeare, so they named me after the main character in As You Like It.
Zale: Yawn, boring, next.
Rosalind: My name isn’t boring, at least it doesn’t sound like I’m destined to become part of a stupid boyband.
Zale: Hey, my name is cool, it has a fun ring to it!
Galen (aside to XALIGIV): I change my vote, this is definitely Taming of the Shrew.
Xaligiv: Well, now that’s just malicious of you. According to Taming of the Shrew, women who are witty and strong-willed must be forced into submission by men.
Galen: We can argue about that later, right now we should probably help break up a fight.
Ari: Anyway, Galen’s name means “calm”, and my name is a Latin word spelled backwards.
Egbert: So… ira? Which means anger?
Xaligiv: Hey, our name’s are similar in that way, mine also is a Latin word.
Ari: Vigilax, so you were a very watchful baby?
Xaligiv: The quietest of them all. And by “them all”, I mean Zale and Egbert, who shouted a lot.
Galen: Um, shouldn’t we head home soon?
Ari: Right, need to get home for dinner.
Rosalind: Do we have to?
Galen: Yes, now let’s go.
Rosalind: Fine. Bye!
Egbert and Zale: Bye.
Xaligiv (Simultaneously): Adios!
Zale: Really dude?
Act 1, Scene 4
(Trey twins’ bedroom)
Zale: Isn’t Rosalind the most beautiful creature you have ever seen?
Xaligiv: Whatever you say… Orlando.
Zale: Don’t throw Austen-
Zale: At me. I’m in love.
Xaligiv: Says the boy who, two days ago, was bemoaning the fact that the love of his life, fittingly named Rosaline, had dumped him. I mean, could you be anymore Romeo?
Egbert: Out of curiosity, who would you choose if Rosaline wanted you back? Rosaline or Rosalind?
Zale: Rosalind, obviously, she’s way smarter.
Egbert (under his breath): Not that that's saying much.
Zale: What was that?
Egbert: Oh, nothing. I think the new love of your life is here though.
Enter ROSALIND, ARI, and GALEN
Galen (aside to XALIGIV): How are the lovebirds?
Xaligiv: Bert’s acting like Benedick, like he isn’t totally in love with Ari. I just found out that Zale’s old girlfriend was named Rosaline, so he seems like Romeo to me now. How’s your side doing?
Galen: Ari is acting like Elinor Dashwood, putting Rosalind’s feelings before her own. As a warning, Rosalind is going to pretend to be in love with you to make Zale jealous.
Xaligiv: What? That makes no sense.
Galen: That’s Rosalind for you. Sort of a non-sequitur, but has anyone ever mocked you for reading Austen and Shakespeare?
Xaligiv: No, but I have a black belt in karate, so…
Galen: That would help wouldn’t it?
Xaligiv: They’re sort of sickening, aren’t they… Zale and Rosalind.
Galen: Yeah, it probably won’t last, but we’ll humor them.
Xaligiv: Okay, but if I get annoyed with the fake flirting, I can call it off, deal?
Act 1, Scene 5
(Beach outside Azar house)
Rosalind: Hey Xal, what’s up?
Xaligiv: Hello Rosalind.
Rosalind: What’cha doing?
Xaligiv: Reading, what else would you expect when I have a book in my hand?
Rosalind: Look, you could at least talk to me.
Xaligiv: I am.
Rosalind: I mean in more than one sentence answers, that was our agreement.
Xaligiv: Actual, there was no agreement, your brother just told me you were going to flirt with me to make Zale jealous. There was never anything said about me having to flirt with you.
Rosalind (con’t): So Xal, do you think I would like the book you’re reading? It looks so very fascinating.
Zale: Hey Rosalind, how are you?
Rosalind: Oh, hey, great. So Xal, what do you think?
Xaligiv: It all depends, do you usually like tiny print and bible thin pages about dead white dudes?
Rosalind: Yes, actually, I do.
Rosalind: Really, I find them spectacular.
Xal: Okay, I’ll can get you the second copy I have.
Rosalind: Oh my god, you are the best.
Rosalind (on phone): See you around … Zale, right?
Zale: Yeah, see you around.
Zale (shouting after ROSALIND): You do realise she’s a girl, right?
Act 2, Scene 1
(Trey living room)
Zale (entering): Guys! Rosaline said she wanted to see me, that she’s really sorry for dumping me, isn’t that great?
Zale (con’t): Guys? Any response, at all?
Egbert: I thought you were in love with Rosalind.
Xaligiv: Yeah, seems sort of a jerk move, dude.
Zale: What do you know? Egbert, you’ve never even been in a relationship and Xal let Rosalind flirt with her. So, I’m taking the car, bye.
Egbert: Well, this is just great.
Xaligiv: Yeah, he’s mad at me for something I had no say in. He’s also gonna break Rosalind’s heart.
Egbert: Right, which will totally ruin my chances with Ari. I can’t believe how selfish Zale is sometimes.
Xaligiv: …Really dude?
Egbert: Sorry, he’s just infuriating. Come on, let’s find the trio, we need to break the news.
Xaligiv: No need, here they come.
Enter ROSALIND, ARI, and GALEN
Rosalind: Hey guys, where’s Zale?
Egbert: You want to take this one, Xaligiv?
Xaligiv: Okay. (To GALEN) Zale got a text from Rosaline. She said that she misses him and wants to get back together. So he took the car and left to go see her.
Rosaline: That’s… That’s nice. Good for him.
Galen: Are there any actually chances that Rosaline was telling the truth?
Egbert & Ari: What do you mean?
Galen: Well, from what Xal’s told me, Rosaline acted very much like Romeo’s Rosaline in Romeo and Juliet, so isn’t more likely that Rosaline’s besties thought that this would be a hilarious practical joke?
Xaligiv: Yeah, there’s no chance that she still loves him. I honestly don’t think she ever did.
Galen: Well, this sucks… But you said you had something to show me?
Xaligiv: Come and see the version of Pride and Prejudice I found, it’s so cool.
Ari (annoyed): Your brother’s a little twerp, or, as my brother would say, an odiferous clay-brained malt-worm. I can’t believe Ros would fall for him, but I guess I will have to stand by her decision.
Egbert: Would he really say that? Seems so unlike him to have a temper at all.
Ari: I’ve actually heard him tell people things like that.
Egbert: I’m sorry my twin ruined your sister’s life, he doesn’t try to be a jerk, he’s just so much of an imbecile that he is.
Ari: It’s not your fault, I should probably go find Rosalind though before she turns into Juliet.
Act 2, Scene 2
(Azar living room)
Ari: Hey Ros, you okay? …Ros?
Rosalind: You know, I should’ve guessed. Everyone I’ve liked- like that- have been stupid, self-centered, a sleazeball, or all three. I don’t know why I get my hopes up now.
Ari: Because you’re human. You’ll find someone, I promise.
Rosalind: But what if there’s only one person for me and I’ve missed them because I’m too shallow to notice other people?
Ari: We’re not even eighteen yet, people hardly ever meet the loves of their lives in high school. Besides, I doubt there’s just one person for everyone.
Rosalind: You act like you’re not in love.
Ari: I-I don’t know yet-Bert’s nice, but I don’t know all that much about him, ya know?
Rosalind: Maybe that’s my problem, I barely knew anything about any of my boyfriends, I know nothing about… Zale
Enter GALEN, running
Galen: Hey Ros, how ya doing?
Rosalind: Okay enough.
Galen: Good. You want to go get some ice cream or something?
Rosalind: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
Galen: Okay, let’s all go
Act 2, Scene 3
(Trey twins’ bedroom)
Egbert: Do you think I should ask Ari out?
Xaligiv: Not really-
Egbert: -Why not, do you not think she likes me?
Xaligiv: No, I think she does, it’s just, you’ve only know each other for what, four days?
Egbert: Four days, two hours, and ten minutes.
Xaligiv: The fact that you’re even counting minutes means that you’re probably aren’t ready for a relationship.
Egbert: I guess. What do you think will happen when Zale gets back?
Xaligiv: I think he’ll be attacked by three very angry girl-people.
Egbert: I feel sort of bad for him…
Xaligiv: Why? It’s his fault he fell for such a stupid trick.
Egbert: But Ari and they will give him hell.
Xaligiv: Then too bad for him.
Act 2, Scene 4
Enter ZALE from one side and ARI, ROSALIND, and GALEN from the other
Zale: Hey guys, how are you?
Galen: … Run away, run away now, run away quickly, so you don't get killed by my angry sisters.
Zale: Ha, funny joke, Xal.
Galen: It wasn’t a joke.
Exit GALEN, ROSALIND, and ARI
Zale: Wait! Don’t go! …I’m -I’m sorry.
Act 3, Scene 1
(Trey living room)
Zale: Hey guys.
Egbert: So, now that you’ve broken Rosalind’s heart and angered everyone, you come back.
Zale: Dude, it’s not my fault that-
Xaligiv: That what? That you flat out lied to us, telling us you’d choose Rosalind over Rosaline, that you don’t seem to care that you’ve broken her heart or that you refuse to admit that you did like a grown adult would.
Egbert: Have you apologized yet?
Zale: I mean, I haven’t really-
Xaligiv: Have you apologized yet?
Egbert: I’m not talking to you until you do, good day.
Zale: What’s his problem? I guess I did screw up a bit. But how could I know that such actions would have these giant ramifications? It feels like the world is ending and that it’s my fault-again. Though, it can’t be all my fault, can it? Who can have the forethought to-
Xaligiv: No, you don’t deserve a soliloquy, go talk to her, now.
Zale: Okay, okay, I’m going
Act 3, Scene 2
(Azar front door)
Zale: I demand that you let me in!
Galen: What right do you have to be making demands of us? It’s hardly gentlemanly of you, but then, I don’t we can expect many manners from the likes of you.
Zale: What have I done wrong?
Galen: You’re seriously asking that?
Zale: …What can I do to make it better?
Galen: Nothing, all you can do is wait for her to forgive you.
Zale: But we leave tomorrow.
Galen: Tough luck.
Act 3, Scene 3
Enter EGBERT, ARI, GALEN, XALIGIV, and ZALE, sulking
Egbert: Well, it was nice meet you all. Sorry again about my brother breaking Rosalind’s heart.
Ari: It wasn’t your fault, I had fun before all the drama happened though.
Galen: Here’s our phone numbers if any of you want to talk to us. See you next summer?
Xaligiv: I’m counting on it. Zale, say something.
Zale: Yeah, it was nice knowing you.
Exit EGBERT, ARI, and XALIGIV
Galen: Hey Zale? Just to let you know, Rosalind didn’t mean to hurt you by fake flirting with Xal. …Anything you want me to relay to her.
Zale: No, I’m too sick of girls to talk to them.
Galen: Don’t do that man, she’s really sorry, just apologize. You’re not going to gain any respect by being stubborn, you’re going to lose a lot.
Zale: Goodbye Galen, hope I never see you again.
He starts to exit
Galen: I tried to help, remember that.
Galen: As Rosalind -Shakespeare Rosalind, not ours- said:
It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue;
but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord
the prologue. If it be true that good wine needs
no bush, 'tis true that a good play needs no
epilogue; yet to good wine they do use good bushes,
and good plays prove the better by the help of good
Now, I highly doubt that you enjoyed this play at all, so this epilogue probably won’t improve it. But you all probably wanted to throw apples at us for the ending so I figured I might as well explain a few things. Ari and Egbert got together and stayed that way all the way through college, yay them. Rosalind stopped being an idiot, eventually, broke off from her friends, and went on to do great, unspecified things - probably meaning that she did nothing but we’re trying to give her more of a character arc. As for Zale, he never got smarter and never called Rosalind so-
Xaligiv: Hold on, hold on. A) You haven’t said anything about me, even though I’m the best. B) Zale did grow out of it, he also did great, unspecified things. In fact, maybe you missed this because you don’t talk to your sisters that much, Zale just texted Rosalind yesterday.
Galen: Oh really, what did they say?
Xaligiv: Something like this:
Zale (texting): Hey Rosalind. This is Zale, you know the guy who broke your heart way back in Junior year of high school. This is really late coming, but I’d like to apologize for that, for breaking your heart. I’ve grown up since then and have realised what a terribly shallow person I was. Sorry again.
Rosalind: Hi Zale. You are forgiven, I was just as self-centered as you were back then. I, however, would like to say I’m sorry for fake flirting with Xal and getting you all jealous. No hard feelings yeah?
Zale: Yeah, smiley face emoji
Xaligiv: Oh, and C) you’ve forgotten to mention what you’ve been doing.
Galen: That’s because I’ve not done anything yet.
Xaligiv: You’ve just written a whole play.
Galen: So? That’s easy, a freshman in high school could do that.
Xaligiv: Okay, be self-deprecating. Hey, just curious, but who are the lords and who are the
jesters in this play?
Galen: That’s for the audience to decide.
Xaligiv: Meaning that it meant nothing and you just thought it was a good title.
Galen: Don’t act like that, titles are hard to come up with.
Xaligiv So? You could at least try.
Galen: I could. Anyway, because you interrupted me there’s no l longer an ending to this play.
Xaligiv: Um, have good rest of your life, I guess? Good night!