All's Fair in Love and War - A Study in Satire

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At times, a woman must use deceit and trickery to secure a successful relationship. Not everything is fair when it comes to love. A common saying among these women who are willing to do anything for love is, “All’s Fair in Love and War”. This usually comes into play when a woman reaches a point in her life where she has her own success and money but no one to share it with, or perhaps when a woman has survived so many heartbreaks that she cannot take anymore. These are examples of a time when a woman must take matters into her own hands and do whatever it takes to acquire the man she loves. She must go to great lengths to obtain her one true love and she must not be afraid to be sneaky and conniving in order to do so. The following are real-life scenarios sent in by anonymous readers of the advice column, “Desperate and Still Looking,” written by Ineed Aman specifically for women who have experienced heartache at the hands of their male counterparts. Ineed Aman is the critically acclaimed author of the book He’s Just THAT Into You. Female readers were asked to send in stories about a time that they did something that can be described by the phrase, “All’s Fair in Love and War”. In compliance with confidentiality laws and clauses, the readers who wrote in will not be addressed by their real names.

A reader who we will call, Danger Keys wrote in: “I’ve been with many men and made attempts at finding true love but it just isn’t working. It seems that these men are intimidated by the success and money that I have accrued from my one of a kind modeling skills. I recently had a fling with a well-known actor and the whole relationship was extremely tumultuous. He made me so mad that I was actually forced to hire someone to key his car. I didn’t want to do it, but I had no choice. He and I had an understanding- he is married and he didn’t want his wife to know that he was seeing me. His wife is an actress more commonly known for her looks and her ever expanding amount of children than for her talent. He confided in me that she was more interested in visiting third-world countries and adopting young, needy children than providing for him and his needs. I completely understood his problems with her, I mean, who would want to take care of a little kid from a different country, really? So, here I am thinking we’re good to go, wrong! Turns out he actually thought he would get away with keeping his marriage with Ang-, I mean, his wife and still wining and dining me. So I had to have his car keyed, it would have been a joy to do it myself but I couldn’t risk ruining my manicure. The only regret I have is not being able to see his face when he saw what I’d had done to his car, what a sight that would have been! But of course, all’s fair in love and war. Of course he was shocked and told me that he thought I was aware that he wasn’t leaving his wife, but just because he told me that every time we met up doesn’t mean I’m supposed to automatically know that he’s telling the truth, come on!”

Ineed Aman responded by saying: “Danger Keys, right on girl! A woman scorned is the worst and I’m sure that man of yours knows this by now. I am the first to applaud a woman who isn’t afraid to take it into her own hands to get her rightful revenge. Now, if it was me, I would have stolen the keys to his car and driven it into the river, it’s only fair seeing as he drowned your heart in sorrow. But then again, that’s just me. I know that these letters aren’t meant to be answered with actual advice, seeing as you all are the ones that are actually giving the advice, but I think that next time, you should do something even more out there. And definitely make sure that you get a picture of his face when he sees the damage, that’s supposed to be your souvenir. Thanks for writing in.”

Another reader would like to be called Plain Jane wrote in: “I’m a beautiful, sought after, aspiring hand model but I just can’t seem to get the man that I am in love with. We’ve never actually spoken but I know that if he only answered my phone calls and paid attention to me when we meet up at restaurants and clubs he would be smitten with me and instantly fall in love. I’m not sure what else there is that I can do to get his attention. I’ve written him countless letters professing my love for him and I even threw him a special surprise party for his birthday. He responded to one of my letters, telling me that he doesn’t like ‘my kind’, whatever that means. I threw his surprise party at one of my favorite restaurants, Outback Steakhouse, but he didn’t even show up. I started to notice that whenever I would see him he was always surrounded by men, but I thought nothing of it, a lot of guys enjoy spending time with their friends. But then, when I was doing my annual check of the outside of his house (only to ensure his safety of course); I looked into the back window and saw him hugging one of the men that I often see him with. Finally, it all made sense, this man was holding the love of my life against his will and forcing him to live with him as the brother that he never had. I thought it only right to call the police on this horrible kidnapper that had been keeping me and my man from getting together, but when the cops got there, both of the men asked them to please arrest me, I was shocked , hurt, and confused. After spending a day in jail to think about what had happened to me, I decided that this man wasn’t worth my time. If he was too afraid to stand up to the man that had kidnapped him from his life and real friends, then why was he worth my time? So, I left the jail and that’s when I met my husband, he was sitting on the curb holding a cardboard sign and I just knew he was the one. Any man that would spend his own time raising money for the homeless was the man for me. I’ve enclosed a picture of us on our wedding day, see the beautiful ring that he bought me, it’s really a ring pop but he told me it was a fashion statement and I absolutely love it.”

Ineed Aman responded with: “That’s right girl. Take whatever you can get, a woman with beautiful hands like you shouldn’t even lower herself to dating a man with no backbone. I hope that you and your husband live happily together. P.S. He resembles a man that often tries to wash my cars whenever I stop at a light in Chicago, ask him if that’s his brother or something, thanks for writing in! And remember, all’s fair in love and war.”
Please note: Ineed Aman is no longer accepting story submissions. She is currently working on her next big blockbuster “What’s Logic Got To Do With It”. Thank you to all of her fanatical fans.





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