The Cereal War

March 21, 2009
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This all dates back to a long time ago and the beginning of the Cereal War. It was almost St. Patrick’s Day and the Flintstones were trying to steal my marshmallow secrets again. As soon as the commercial came on for Fruity Pebbles, I knew what they were doing. They had come up with a new television add. Barney was stealing the Fruity Pebbles from Fred. I thought there was no way I could beat this. Then I had an epiphany. I could find a new theme song. So I went to my fellow little, pointy-eared Lepricons and we decided that it would be best if I returned to Ireland and spent two weeks thinking there.

“What a wonderful idea my short, red-haired friends. We need to find something that no one has ever done and I believe the answer is in our homeland. Ireland.” I said triumphantly. I knew better than to ask if anyone wanted to come with me. While my friends were good and loyal lepricons they were a bit odd. They had absolutely no interest in returning to the tall grass fields where we could run around and blend into the grass. I missed scaring the tourists by popping out of the underbrush. Most of all I missed the Guinness. O how I have missed the sweet taste of Irish beer, made straight from the heavens.

As soon as I had stopped salivating over my sweet Guinness I got down to business. I decided I would not be checking into a hotel, but living in my family’s old forest. This way I could avoid unwanted guests like people. I packed my things and went to the train station. Now keep in mind that lepricons were not allowed on planes (The tourists thought we were Gremlins). So I had to ride the train to the ship yard then get on a boat and cross the ocean, then get back on a train and go to the heart of Ireland where I would find a bus to take me to my family’s old forest. I know it’s complicated but please try and keep up. Now the best part of traveling as a lepricon is that you don’t have to pay for train tickets. We’re so short people don’t even notice us.

When I finally got to my destination I was so nauseous from the trains and the boat ride that I spent the whole first day vomiting in my pot of gold. By the way that’s not a very good way to start your vacation. The next day I felt a lot better but my pot of gold was covered in green vomit. I never knew why we Lepricons vomited green but my theory is, our stomach is full of green acid that dyes everything we eat green. Anywho I was walking through my hundred acre wood when I spotted a silver token glinting in the sun. When I got closer I saw that it was a heart. I looked around and saw several more of these tokens but they were all different. There was the heart, then the star, then the horseshoe, a clover and a blue moon, then a picture of a pot of gold, and finally I saw a rainbow one, and a red balloon. This inspired me to write my knew theme song,

“Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes, Clovers and Blue Moons, Pots of gold with Rainbows, and some Red Balloons.” After I sang this to myself, and came up with the beat, I found the nearest pub and engrossed myself in the latest batch of Guinness. Now that I had tasted the pride and joy of Ireland I decided it was time to head back to America and spread the news of my newest accomplishment.

The journey back was just as grueling as the first accept I did not get sick for at least two hours after I got off the second train, that’s a new record. My companions were glad to have me back because they had run into a small problem. Our Lucky Charms sales were down more than ever because of those stupid Fruity Pebbles and the stupid commercials that went with them and the stupid Barney Rubble stealing stupid Fred Flintstone’s stupid Fruity Pebbles. There was only one day left till St. Patrick’s Day and I decided to wait until that morning to film my new commercial. My commercial was going to murder the Fruity Pebbles empire. St. Patrick’s Day has always been the biggest selling day of the year for Lucky Charms and that record was not about to be broken.

When I woke up the next morning I went right to work. We filmed the commercial and before it showed on TV I made sure I sent a copy of it to Fred. I wish I could have seen his face, but I’m sure I heard a scream from across the city. The commercial was a huge hit. Our sales were spiking! We almost had to close down the factory because everyone wanted the new Lucky Charms! That’s when everything went wrong. Fred, being a sore loser, sent me a telegram saying I had till noon to leave America and the cereal business or else. I sent the letter back with a P.S. saying, thanks for the tip but I have an army of Lepricons and you have Barney and a dinosaur that acts like a dog. I think I would win any fight against you.

As you could imagine Fred didn’t take this note very well. He declared war on me and my army of Lepricons, which was a big mistake on his part. Our height gave us the element of surprise when he came to find us. And thus began the Cereal War. It was an epic battle between the forces of Fruity Pebbles and Lucky Charms.

In the end we all had to leave our homes because they had been ransacked, pillaged, and burned. Even the Flintstone’s had to leave there homes. That really sucked. But now were on the front lines of the Cereal War and the Flintstones have called in re-enforcements of dinosaurs and they are attacking now. Tell America I say, “Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes, Clovers, and Blue Moons, Pots of Gold with Rainbows, and some Red Balloons.”

This has been the retelling of the Cereal War from the diary of Lucky himself tune in next week to hear Fred Flintstone’s diary of the Cereal War read by, you guessed it, Fred Flintstone himself. And that’s all from The Cereal network this evening, good night.

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