I am a legit love expert. If you are one of those folks who have no clue when it comes to romance, then this is the guide for you. This is the go-to Bible (or should I say Holy BABE-le) for all you serial first daters or those who weren’t quite as lucky fishing in the gene pool. Consider this your tour guide into Babe Canyon!

Step 1: Getting the Date

The biggest and most important step is your approach. You don’t want to scare them off, so romantic or original things are going to be the least effective. Candles? Ew, more like fire hazard! Cute signs or prom-posalesque invitations? Vomit! Flowers? Sounds like hay fever to me! I recommend a far more subtle and twice as flattering approach: cat-calling. Trust me: she didn’t buy those jeans for her enjoyment alone.

Step 2: Planning the Outing

Again, forget romantic or original. No woman likes a nice dinner or a fun walk in the park. Some of the best dates I’ve ever had (and, again, I’m a love expert) were during a fun dumpster-diving excursion and that time my mom made me babysit my little brother. Nothing says “call me” like changing a diaper.

Step 3: During the Date

Ladies especially, you need to tell your new man everything there is to know about you, so talk about yourself as much as possible. Guys, make sexist comments and racial jokes! It’s the 1950s, Eisenhower is still president, and women love to be treated as nothing more than a human udder! Dating expert and psychologist Donald Rump says, “Men are 65% more likely to get a second date the cruder they are. Women love a man who can say exactly what’s on his mind and they love honesty, so tell them just how fat that dress makes them look.” Good thinking, Don!

Step 4: The Follow-Up

Chances are, they’re going to fall in love with you right after the lingering good night, garlic-breath kiss, and it can be daunting to think about how you’re going to text him or her. No worries, Casanova, I’m here to help! It’s important not to seem clingy, so I’d recommend waiting at least two to three weeks before making the follow-up contact. Another important detail is how you do it. By all means, texting is best. And I’m a big believer in quick, one word texts because it keeps your partner on their toes. It also keeps the conversation moving quickly so you can cover many topics in a short period of time. That way they never get bored of you! If you talk on the phone, only say key words such as “yeah,” “all right,” and “okay” because it shows that you agree with their opinions.

If this information was helpful to you (I already know it was – no need to thank me) be sure to check out my other educational guides, such as “How to Impress your Boyfriend’s Mother” and “How to Tell a Friend That Her Fly Is Down.” They are just as classy as this one. Happy hunting, ladies and gentlemen!