How to Date: A Helpful Guide for the Horribly Confused This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

May 4, 2017
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If you are NOT like me and don’t know how to score some stunners, then this is definitely the guide for you. This is the go-to Bible (or should I say Holy BABE-le) for all you serial first daters or those who weren’t quite as lucky fishing in the gene pool, so stick around and I’ll be your tour guide into Babe Canyon!
Step 1: Asking him or her on a date.
The biggest and most important step is your approach. You don’t want to scare them off, so romantic or original things are going to be the least effective. Candles? Ew, more like fire hazard! Cute signs or prom-posalesque invitations? Vomit! Flowers? Sounds like hay fever to me! I recommend the far more subtle and twice as flattering: cat calling. Trust me; she WANTS to hear about what that backside is doing! She didn’t buy those jeans for HER enjoyment, trust me.
Step 2: Planning the Outing:
Again, you can’t be too romantic or original. No woman likes a nice dinner or a fun walk in the park. Some of the best dates I’ve ever had, again, I’m a love expert, were during a fun dumpster diving excursion or from that one time my mom made me babysit my little brother. Nothing says “call me” like changing a diaper.
Step 3: The date:
Ladies especially, you need to tell your new man everything there is to know about you, so talk about yourself as much as possible. Guys, make sexist comments and racial jokes! It’s the 1950’s, Eisenhower is still president, and women LOVE to be treated as nothing more than a human udder! Dating expert and psychologist Ronald Rump says, “Men are 65% more likely to get a second date the cruder they are. Women love a man who can say exactly what’s on his mind and they love honesty, so tell them just how fat that dress makes them look.” Good thinking, Don!
Step 4: The follow-up:
Chances are, they’re going to fall in love with you right after the lingering good night kiss with garlic breath, and it can be daunting to think about how you’re going to text him or her. No worries, Casanova, I’m here to help! It’s important not to seem clingy, they need their space so I’d recommend not texting them for at least two to three weeks after the date. Another important detail is how you text them. I’m a big believer in quick, one word texts because it keeps your partner on their toes. It also keeps the conversation going fast so you can cover as many topics as you can in a short period of time, that way they NEVER get bored of you! If you talk on the phone, only say key words such as “yeah”, “alright” and “okay”, because it shows that you both have a lot in common with your opinions.
If this information was helpful to you (I already know it was, no need to thank me) be sure to check out my other educational guides, such as “How to Impress your Boyfriend’s Mother” and “How to Tell a Friend That Her Fly is Down”. They are just as classy as this one. Happy hunting, ladies and gentlemen!

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TaylorWintryThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 31 at 10:08 pm
Hilarious! I admire your ease in being so satirical and making it seem believeable that these are actual dating tips. Great job!
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