My gut squirmed as I walked towards the J-quaD, one of many in the high school of Oakley. It was 11:26, lunch time. How was I going to tell him? Hot tears of frustration and heart-break formed. Why am I doing this, I love him so much but I am too much of a wimp to get hurt by him. I know he has been drifting from me little by little each day that's why I need to do this. I can't just say "Hey, I need a break from you because I am going through an eating disorder called anorexia. I can't be with you anymore because I know you will back out, out of how overwhelming it is. Sorry". Yeah that would be a memory for him to remember; the girl he loves dumping him because she is afraid of him breaking up with her from her eating disorder. My other friends give me words of reassurance and heartfelt hugs. I am doing this for him, to save him the trouble of going through so much pain. Like a flash I sense him, I turn my head and see him walking with a braod smile upon his face. My heart breaks into a million pieces. I can't go through with this, he'll hate me, even more I'll hate myself. I know I am losing something so much more valuable than my own life by doing this. I try my best to smile but it only comes out as a frown and I start crying again. He looks in my eyes trying to find out a reason for my wierd behavior, only to find nothing. I turn my head away from his gaze, already feeling ashamed for what I am about to do to this poor boy. I manage to find words and begin to speak "Can I talk to you alone?", he merely nods. I walk him over to a place far away from noisy, happy students. He lifts my chin so he could see my face. Deep down he knows what I am going to do, I know he does, I can see it in his eyes. "What's wrong? Did I do something?" he askes, I look away ashamed to face him. No, you are a saint, you could never do anything wrong. These are the words I want to say to reassure him that he shouldn't put the blame on himself but instead I say something else. "I need a break from you, I'm starting to get confused on my feelings for you. I just need time to get my head on straight.", I look up for his reaction, I immediatley regret it. His eyes are filled with hurt, wounded as if I had just slapped him. In truth I might as well have. I apologize one more time before he starts walking away. I stand there alone, only to be taunted by guilt. I closed my eyes and wished for a rewind button to show up, to take back the damage. I wanted him back, my heart ached for him but I knew it was already too late. All I can do is wait, and hope.
March 14, 2009