(Max begins the piece talking on his cell phone entering from the right of the stage. Tom stands facing the left curtain, out of the scene)

Max: Yah. You can smoke in the house as long as you crack a window. Just don't spill your drinks on my carpet or I'll kill yah' (He laughs)
Yah I'll see you when I get there' ok bye.
(Hangs up. When he looks up is shocked)
What the'
(Jumps in the air and dies. Rolls to back of stage as Tom enters from the right)

Tom: Yes honey I'm fine'
(MAX FACES BACK CURTAIN AND YELLS)
Max: I'm DEAD?!?

Tom: just feeling a little clammy'

Max: AND THERES A WAITING LINE!!!

Tom: Could you make some soup?

Max: IT'S LIKE WALMART!!! AAAaaaaa'

Tom: I'm feeling just fin'.
(Tom then suffers a dramatic heart attack and dies. As he rolls to left stage Max walks in and looks agitated and bored. He is standing in line and starts to speak as Tom walks in towards him.)

Max: This line is taking forever'
(Talking in Max's ear)
Tom: Yah it is.
(Max jumps and shouts in shock)
MAX: WOW!!! Where'd you come from?


Tom: Been here' about 5 minutes actually
Max: Really?
Tom: Yah'
Max: Oh'
(After a brief pause)
Tom: I'm Tom'
Max: Max.
Tom: No' Tom.
Max: I meant my name.
Tom: Oh (said with a smile and a chuckle)
Max: Soooo' did you find out were your headed?
(Looking down sadly Tom says)
Tom: Yah'
Max: That's a shame' they told me at the docks. I'm going up!
Tom: They told me there too'
Max: I figured
Tom: I just don't understand'
Max: Me ether man. I've sinned my whole life.
Tom: I went to church'
Max: I went to bars'
Tom: I prayed every night.
Max: I drank' every night.
Tom: I was kind
Max: You know I punched a hobo once because someone gave me a cheeseburger'

Tom: WOW' You're a jerk.
Max: Awww shut up.
Tom: hey the line moved
Max: hey you're right
(Both take a sarcastic step forward)
Tom: Well anyway'
Max: Yah' what were we talking about?
Tom: Well we were'
Max: Don't care'


Tom: oook then'
Max: what did you do for a living?
Tom: I was a Plummer'
Max: Really? I was a clogger. (Smiles)
(Tom laughs)
Max: I'm just kidding with ya' you know it doesn't seem fair' I'm a jerk and well your nice' why are you going to burn when I go up when I pulled the plug on my grandma so I could get her money'
Tom: you are cruel and evil!
Max: well did you kill someone???
Tom: no
Max: Rape?
Tom: no
Max: Rob?
Tom: no
Max: Pillage?
Tom: Okay!!! ' No! I mean, Okay Enough!!! I didn't do any of those terrible things' YOU might of but I didn't'
Max: Well. You had to do something Tom'
Tom: Well' I took my sons Halloween candy'Once'
(looks disgusted)
Max: You sicken me.
Tom: What?
Max: You are evil. You took your kids candy!
Tom: Sooo? He didn't' need it.
Max: That's it.
Tom: What???
Max: That! That's why you're going to Hell.
(Both look around scared and huddle closely together Max says)

Max: Sorry' Sorry' Sor'
Tom: Look what you did!!!
Max: They'll get over it' Hey look the lines moving'

(Shoving Max away he then looks around as Max repairs his dignity)


Tom: Can you believe the great journey to heaven and' (Looks around)
Down' is an elevator'
(Max seeing this as an opportunity to talk again says)
Max: That's what I said' crazy'
Tom: Look I can see the ticket booth'
(Looking exited Max exclaims)
Max: Finally!!!
(Tom Sighs)
Tom: yah.
Max: Think of it this way Tom' I'm going to be happy.
Tom: You really are a jerk. You know that, right?
Max: Yah'
(After a moment)
Tom: You're up Max'
Max: SWEET!!!
(Max grabs the ticket and reads)
Max: 'One ticket to Heaven for the saintly '
(Max looks confused)
Max: 'Tom Crack???'
(Tom comes out of his depression instantly)
Tom: That's MY name!!!
(Tom grabs the ticket and begins dancing)
Tom: This is unbelievable!!!
Max: I know' you're a Plummer whose last name is Crack'
(Max smiles widely as Tom stops dancing to say)
Tom: Shut up Max.
(Max smiles then looks at the ticket booth.)
Max: Now seriously where's my ticket.