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Steve the Goat (Fine, & Kevin)
A long, long time ago (last week), in a barnyard far, far away (just outside of Steinbach), there was a goat. His name was Steve. Steve was a nice goat, white with brown patches, but he was always hungry.
The other animals always laughed when he complained of an empty stomach (but backed away quickly).
The farmer was often heard asking around town if anyone wanted a free outdoor garbage disposer (a.k.a Steve), but had no takers.
Steve had a massive reputation.
One day, after the farmer had fed the goat his daily four bales of hay and some overalls from the fence (who leaves anything on a goat pen fence anyway? That’s usually not the best idea), and having thought long and hard (always a dangerous pastime), Steve decided something. He decided that his farm was BORING, the food was even more BORING, and he was going to find something to spice it up!
So Steve spent the next five minutes trying to jump over the fence (a real stroke of genius), but it was too high.
Then the cow in the next pen over, whose name was Princess, mooed, “why don’t you just shove your goat house next to the fence? It looks light, and you could easily jump on it, and then over the fence.”
“Hey, thanks Princess, that’s a great idea! You are so smart!” Steve exclaimed.
“No problem,” mooed Princess.
So Steve moved the house, hopped onto it and yelled, “GOOD-BYE, everyone who I know and don’t know but want to! Thank you Princess! I’m going on a quest to find more food to hopefully fill my stomach. See ya, buds!” and with that, he jumped over the fence and ran into the distance, leaving the farm with the big red barn behind.
Well, actually, he ran about six hundred meters, then stopped and had a snack. I say snack, but what I really mean is, Steve ate an entire field of grass.
When Steve had finished, he had a nap and dreamed about a huge, blue building filled with all sorts of food he had never seen before.
If Steve could read, he would know from the signs posted it was called a “grocery store”.
Then Steve woke up. “That’s where I need to go!” he cried.
Steve stopped and peered around. He had no idea where he was. So he glanced back and saw the farm. He also saw a gravel road, winding away into the distance (no surprise there). “Yes! That’s it! When the farmer leaves and comes back with food, he always goes on that!”
So Steve pranced to the road, congratulating himself on his amazing smarts. But when he had trotted along for a bit, he came to an intersection. Uh-oh, he thought, what now? Then Steve saw a squirrel. “Hey squirrel!” he yelled.
The squirrel reluctantly glanced over. “What do you want?” it chattered back. “I need to keep running around and annoying random people. So make it quick!”
“Can you help me? I need to get to the big blue building filled with all kinds of awesome foods. I saw it in a dream!” Steve replied.
“Oh , do you mean Walmart? Turn left and you’ll be in Steinbach. Keep going til you see a big blue building. Now go away! I’m busy!”
“Thanks! Hey, what’s your name?
“Oh, it’s Karlana.”
So Steve went on his merry way: “la la la la la...aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!”
Suddenly, there was a huge, winged shape coming straight at Steve’s head!
Then Steve stopped screaming, paused to look more closely at the creature, and said, sheepishly, “Oh. Oops. Uh, that was not a scream of terror or anything like that, it was just a shout so that you’d see me, just in case your eyes were closed.” (what a bad liar)
“SUUURRRE. Ok,” chirped the tiny sparrow sarcastically. The sparrow had, in fact, just swooped lower for a better look at this strange creature. It asked, “Who, and what, are you? I’ve never met anything like you before.”
“Well, my name is Steve, and I’m a goat. Who are you? I’ve seen sparrows before, but none that are as tiny as you!”
“My name is Kevin Jack Sparrow, but just call me Kevin, and I’M NOT TINY!! I’m just… vertically challenged. Ok? But what about you? Where are you going? Can I come with you?”
For, you see, Kevin was very tiny, and all the other sparrows wouldn’t let him do anything. So he was anxious to to have an adventure (hasn’t anyone ever told him about stranger danger?).
Steve replied, skeptically, “What can you do to help? I’m on a quest to find more food. I have to go to a big, blue building called ‘Walmart’. It has lots of food and it’s in a place called ‘Steinbach’. I’m following this road to get to it. So, why should I let you come?” (but what Steve was actually thinking is: what if he eats all the food?)
Eagerly, Kevin replied, “Well, I can fly, so I can go ahead and check if there’s danger, or see how close we are. I can be like an animal version of Siri!”
“Never mind, that doesn’t matter. But please, take me with you! I’m so bored!” Kevin pleaded.
“Oh, fine, whatever. just don’t eat too much.” (which was funny, because if anyone would eat too much, it would be Steve, not Kevin)
So off they went, Steve trotting along, Kevin flying overhead. Literally. Kevin was hovering just above Steve’s horns, talking, and talking, and talking..
Steve tried to ask Kevin to stop, but couldn’t get a word in.
For the first while, the conversation went something like this:
Kevin: “So, what’s this Walmart place like? What’s in it? Have you been there? Where did you hear about it?”
Steve: “Well, it was…”
“What’s your favourite food? Mine is worms. Delicious, juicy, pink worms. Have you tried them?”
“So what’s yak, yak, yak, blah, blah, yak, blah-dee-blah-blah…” (et cetera)
By then, Steve was wishing that he had never let Kevin come, and was just trying to ignore him.
Finally, as the sun was setting, Steve yelled, attempting to get Kevin to hear him, “Enough! Be quiet, PLEASE!”
Startled, Kevin shut his beak.
Steve continued, “We are going to stop and sleep for the night. If I hear one more peep from you, I will turn you into KFC!”
That effectively shut the bird up.
Steve was in the beautiful, beautiful Walmart! He pranced around, shouting with glee.
Then he noticed a huge pile of red, juicy, delicious apples. He ran to them and just as he was about to bite into one, he heard something suspiciously like Kevin’s voice yelling, “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! PLEASE DON’T EAT ME PLEASE! I DON’T TASTE GOOD, JUST FEATHERS! TRY HIM OVER THERE, HE LOOKS FAT AND JUICY! AAAHH!!”
Then Steve heard sort of a growl/snarl sound, and woke up - to become face-to-face with a monsterous, black, ugly dog.
Steve tried to get up, but found that one of his back legs was pinned down by the beast.
The dog’s gaping pink maw was inching closer and closer. Steve could see down its throat, through the rows of razor-sharp teeth, past the long, slimy tongue, right down to the black abyss that would surely be his death. (can you say DRAMATIC?)
Suddenly, Steve had an idea! He went limp and rolled his eyes back into his head, acting dead.
The dog was confused. Moments before, there had been a live thing underneath him, but now, there was just a body. It sniffed Steve all over, trying find life. Was that a movement by the ribs? Nope, never mind. The dog, disappointed in not getting to kill, sat back, panting.
Steve tensed, knowing the dog had detected his faint intake of breath, but had been fooled (probably easy to do to a dog…maybe)
WHOOOSH!! Steve burst to his feet and did an awesome ninja goat move, spinning around and kicking the dog in the nose.
The dog yelped, but then went on the attack, biting at Steve’s legs and face. It managed to barely get one tooth in Steve’s left foreleg before Steve did some more awesome ninja goat moves and headbutted the beast in its already tender snout.
The dog, confusion and pain on its face, ran away, yipping and yapping with its tail between its legs.
Steve stood panting for breath, watching the dog run. Then he heard an annoying chirp in in his ear,”Yeah, we did it! Wooo! Go us!”
Steve glared at Kevin. “Seriously? Go us? As I seem to remember, I was the one who fought the dog off, after you were willing to let it eat me!”
“I, uh, um, was distracting it from me while getting ready for a, uh, sneak attack! Yeah, that’s it!” Kevin lied (really badly).
“SUUURRE, and I was just fighting that dog because my dear old granny goat sent me a letter asking me to get some magical dog drool that’ll cure all her aches and pains. Yep, that’s why I did it!” (and boy, does Granny Goat have a lot of pains. Trust me. I’ve met her.)
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry! I’m not used to this kind of stuff!”
“Neither am I, but I haven’t done anything like that to you! In fact, I may just not let you come with me.”
“No, please no!” Kevin pleaded. “I really, really want to keep going with you! Please! I’m sorry! I’ll do better, I really will!”
“Fine. One more chance, and that’s it. But I really don’t get why you want to come anyway. I mean, we’re going on a trip to find me some more food. Why is it important to you?” Steve wanted to know.
“I get so bored at home, because no one will let me do anything because I’m so tiny, apparently. This sounded like fun!” (you have to wonder at that: if Kevin thinks a dangerous quest for someone else is fun, does he really know what fun is?)
“Is it fun?” Steve asked.
“I think I’ll get back to you on that.”
Steve and Kevin kept walking/flying, onwards to the legendary Walmart (do I think it’s legendary? NOPE.)
Fifteen minutes later, Kevin swooped down excitedly. “I see some buildings ahead! And, and, one of them is BLUE!”
“Really!? You’re serious?”
“Yes, it’s really there!”
“Well then, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!”
They were almost there, on a twisting road leading through tall, dark buildings, when suddenly a huge figure loomed from an alley. It was a HUMAN! (well, duh, we’re in a CITY!)
“Well, well, what do we have here?” the voice boomed and echoed around them.
Kevin and Steve trembled.
“A goat and a very tiny sparrow, by the looks of it,” the human said, answering his own question.
“S-s-sorry, we’re just passing through!” Steve stammered, but of course, the human could only hear bleats.
Suddenly, Steve heard a very high pitched battle cry (consisting of “I’M NOT TINY!!!”), and turned just in time to see Kevin fly straight up, then dive bomb the human!
“Take that! And that! And that, and that, and that!” Kevin screeched as he dove down over and over again.
The human, confused by the painful attacks and almost as painful eardrum ripping shrieks, screamed like a five-year old and ran away.
“Good job, Kevin! I thought we were done for! Maybe you can be brave, too sometimes!” Steve cheered (high praise).
“Yeah, well, that’s it then, I guess,” Kevin said, embarrassed but pleased.
Steve looked ahead. There, shining dramatically in the sun, was WALMART!
“Let’s go, let’s go! It’s right there! C’mon, hurry up already!” Steve yelled.
“Whoo-hoo!” shouted Kevin.
So they raced to the store and burst through the doors, freaking out a bunch of innocent (more or less) people.
“Let’s eat!” the goat and the bird yelled in unison.
and so they ate. Oh, did they eat. There was food, clothing, and small household items flying everywhere.
“This is AMAZING!” Steve bellowed through a mouthful of a very expensive fur coat (fake, of course-this is Walmart, remember).
“DEFINITELY!” Kevin hollered back.
Finally, their journey was over. Their hard, difficult quest was complete. They had faced incredible dangers, such as dogs, people, hunger, and Kevin’s non-stop yakking. IT WAS DONE! (this is certainly a dramatic story, isn’t it?)
“So… what do we do now?” asked Kevin as they lay on their backs, surrounded by piles of ruined merchandise (if they’d been wearing jackets, the buttons would definitely have popped).
“I have NO idea,” replied Steve. “Maybe we could just sort of… wander around the city aimlessly until we get an idea?”
They left Walmart and were walking past a hardware store when Steve saw a big sign.
“What does that say?” he asked Kevin, who could read, unlike Steve (is that surprising? Anyone?).
“Wanted: garbage disposer. See Steinbach Garbage Dump Office Thingie for details,” read Kevin.
“That’s perfect! I’m a great garbage disposer! Let’s go, Kevin!”
I have no clue how Steve and Kevin found the office, but pretty soon they were walking in for an interview. Don’t ask me why they thought they would be able to communicate with the interviewer.
“Are you hard working? Do you have previous experience? Do you know what to do?” the interviewer bombarded them with questions.
Steve nodded his head for each question, because, A) he loved eating (hard worker, check), B) he had just pretty much disposed of all of Walmart’s products, the fake fur coat being exceptionally good (previous experience, check), and C) he ate trash just about every day (knowing what to do, check).
“Well then, you’re hired!” said the interviewer, because that sign had been up for three months with no takers.
And so, the story ends. Steve worked in the garbage dump until he died from old age. He was 83 in goat years. Kevin went back to live with his family, coming to visit Steve every other day until he died from getting hit by a (parked) car (didn’t see that one coming, did you? Always look both ways before crossing the street, children!). Kevin was 72 in bird years.
Walmart was never the same again.
Port Pirie, ZZ