I got a conspiracy theory for you, and it's not some lame ass fairytale about loch ness monsters or UFOs in cornfields either. I’m talking about a real deal conspiracy and its been going on for what seems like forever. I have reason to believe that someone's been following me around and screwing up my life. And you wanna know how I know that it’s an actual conspiracy? It’s because no one else thinks it is. If they did, it wouldn't really be a conspiracy, would it? Well that should be enough reason to believe me right there, but just for those of you who are not so easily persuaded, I have proof. Not actual photo evidence or anything fancy like that, but I have some pretty convincing reasoning that I think will be hard to disprove.
I consider myself to be a lucky guy. Really, I am. When it comes down to a roll of the dice I always end up on top, no doubt. I think I might be the luckiest guy I know. But recently I’ve been noticing that there's somethings that really are just out of fate's hands. They are also out of my hands though, which is the root of the problem. There has to be some evil ringleader behind all this, because it’s not just my luck, let me tell you.
Just last week for example, when I got a test back and found that my score was two letter grades below what I was hoping for. Now are you going try to tell me that I should have studied harder for that? That it was entirely my fault? Come on, I knew every answer on that test. The only possible explanation in my mind is that I turned in my test, my teacher gave me an A+; and then somewhere in between that moment and when it landed on my desk, someone must have used white out on the teacher's grade, and replaced it with a much, much lower one.
I imagine this agent of the shadows being small, maybe two or three inches tall. He wears a black ninja suit to stay hidden of course, and has facial hair somewhere in between that of Satan and Hitler. I’m just spitballing here, like I said, never actually seen the little guy before.
My invisible lifelong opponent does all sorts of stuff to screw me over, like changing green stoplights to red stoplights, and turning the stove up way too hot so that my food gets burnt. He makes sure that there’s no clean towels in the bathroom when I go to take a shower and conveniently places chewed up gum all across town just hoping that I’ll step on a piece and trust me, sometimes I do.
He makes my life a living hell and one of these days I’m gonna get him back. I already have it all planned out, but I can’t write that part down. Even now he could be watching. Until then, I’ll avoid robbing any banks, getting into high speed chases, or doing anything else even a little bit risky. If this much screwed up stuff can happen all while I’m just going about life minding my own business, imagine what he could do to me if I decided to do anything even remotely exciting. If only luck was involved, then I’d catch him for sure. I’m the luckiest guy I know after all.