Redneck In Heaven

March 2, 2017
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I wonce went to heaven and back. Yes sir, went up and got me in a lot a trouble. Now if ya wont to ear da story, ya foist gots to buy me a drink. One per person. This story takes a while to tell and moi thrut needs to be wetted to keep the story goin. There, thats better. So wheres was I. Ah yes, so one saturday mornin oi was trottin cross the street and got smacked by some lousy driver in a horse an buggy. I mean, what were those Amish thinkin! Hittin me like that. Sheesh. Well, I ended up passin out an floatin away on the breeze. Up an up right inta da sky. Ois coulds sees mois body down below, so’s I think’s it’s a dream at foist, but thens I passes outs agin. Thens I’s walks up an foind moiself at da blinding pearly gates complete with a line of people dressed all strangely. So i’s thoughts I’s was deads and gots inta da line leading ta da gates.
Slowly da line dies down like when ya miss da shot an da deer takes a whiles ta die, an I’s gets to da fronts. Remarkably, St. Peter was dere standin wif a long list, shinnin so broit my eyes stung like a mosquito bite.
“Name please,” he said a little tiredly.
“Henry Worthin Bucktail,” oi said uncertainly. Peter immediately went and flipped through his list. Page afta page flew by till he reached the last page. Then he started again from the front until he reached the back page agin. Foinally, he went through the list one last time.
“Strange,” He finally stated, “You’re not on the list. Are you sure you’re supposed to be here?”
“Sure as sure can be sir, I’m here aint I?”
“That’s true,” He replied as he gestured a big burly angel wif a list over, “ I’ll just have to check the list for the other place.” Oi groaned in response. Hell seems too miserable for me. Eternal suffering, No sir ee. I prefer the paradise.
“Well I found your problem,” Peter stated, “You’re not on either list, so you’re not dead yet. Phillip, can you escourt him out please?”
“Grnt,” The burly angel grunted in reply and stepped forward.
“Na,” I said, “Oim not goin back ta oi gets a looks at this place foist.”
“Well that’s against the rules. Only the dead are allowed in here. So I’m afraid your just going to have to go back.”
  “Not if oi got got anything to say about it,” I stated with a grin. Peter’s face fell as he exchanged a worried look with the guard.
“Phillip, get him now please!” Phillip lunged towards me but oi was too quick. Dartin ta da side, oi made a beeline for the gates. Philip and Peter was both chasin me, but ois was runnin like a jackrabbit, so theys weren’ts goins to catch me. Boi da time dey reached da gate I was runnin bout 50 yards down the road on the other side.
“Security,” oi heard Peter yell behind me, so oi turned to look an Phillip had covered half the distance between us and was gaining fast. Oi yelped and shot off faster than oi had ever done before. A couple seconds later a town came inta view and oiI redoubled my efforts to get ta it. By the time I reached it, Phillip was far behind me panting like he had never ran that hard before. Oi started to chuckle a bit as I caught my breath, watching the town. People were bustling around just like on earth, ‘cept they were dressed in white robes. Other than da robes, it looked almost exactly like Earth! Da only other way to tell ya were in heaven was if ya looked real close at the ground. Ya can faintly make out the shape of some clouds. Oi walked down the street with amazement as I looked at everything. Shops of all shapes an sizes, people playin sports, and those goin swimmin. Stunned for a few minutes, I thought they must have everything up here!
Then, hearin a commotion, oi turned an saw Philip and a couple otha big fellows pushing through the crowd in my direction. Droppin my gaze, I beelined straight towards the nearest shop. Oi Stepped inside just as Philip burst through the crowd and ran for me. Turnin into the shop to run, oi stalled afta seein what was inside. A fully stocked selection of hunting gear along wif a few racks that were the largest oi’ve ever seen. Oi’m talkin bout 30 to 40 point racks! Humongous! It truly was heaven for me at the moment. Unfortunately Oi was stalled long enough for Philip an his friends to catch me.
“Let moi go!” Oi yelled as they hauled me back towards da gate.
“Not a change you tresspasser,” Philip growled at me. Oi fought ‘im all da way to da gate, hollerin all da way, but he wouldn’t have it. Once we got ta da edge of the landing outside da gate, Philip said, “Goodbye, and good riddance!” Then he kicked moi off da edge.
Wif a jolt oi woke up in moi bed with a splittin headache wif moi wife on da armchair. Oi den proceded to tell her the whole story, but she called me crazy. Sometimes I thought oi was crazy too, but then I felt a shudder down da spine and knew it happened, I just knew it.
“What a load a bull,” the bartender roared! “Now all of you’s get out of here, I want ta talk ta Henry alone.”
“Whatever you say Philip,” They muttered as they walked away with looks of disbelief. Oi sat there depressed for a few minutes, until Philip smiled at me.
“What are ya smilin at?” Oi growled at him.
“Ready to go back?” Philip replied as he extended his hand and transformed before my eyes. It was Philip the angel, who kicked moi out last time oi went to heaven.
“Of course,” he replied. So oi took his hand and we flickered an went to heaven.

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