The Better Destination

March 6, 2017

My life had become meaningless, like that of a lone scarecrow in an empty field.


Two. I keep tally of how many days I had been stranded. It is amazing that I have been left here so long I could count it on almost half my hand. I remember my private jet coming down after I flipped out about my Italian cappuccino maker making my cappuccinos not frothy enough and threw it out the window. As we crashed, I jumped out with a parachute and deployed a lifeboat, eventually floating to shore.


I am bored out of my mind. Sometimes I call out for my butler, only to remember he is at home, safe, so I just sit and stare at the sand, wondering how anyone can live like this.


Nobody is as unlucky as me. There are plenty of sandwiches on the lifeboat, but there is mayonnaise on every single one. YUCK! A very white chicken marches along the shore, pecking at the sand. I fed all the sandwiches to the chicken. Little did he know they were chicken sandwiches. This made me laugh for a single second, and then I was bored again.


There was plenty of water on the boat, but I dumped it in the ocean because it was warm. I only drink the finest of water anyway, not just plain old cheap plastic water bottles, and definitely not room temperature.
The humming of a motor boat became more audible as it sounded out in the distance. It had dark-featured people with guns on it. They were wearing diamond rings, had gold teeth, and were laughing heartily and loudly. Must have been the coast guard.


They came to shore and carried me onto their boat laughing. I didn’t even have to walk. That’s more like it.
“How much for a lift to New York?” I asked, expecting a high price considering we were in the coast of Africa.
“Two-hundred thousand dollars,” said one of the men in a very strange accent.


“Fair enough,” I replied.


There was ice cold water in the captain’s quarters. It was in barrels that said “TREATED AFRICAN WATER.” Sounded exotic. Now we’re talking.


On the two week journey back to New York we made many stops. I asked why we stopped and they said the had to make some “withdraws.” I guess banks in Africa keep jewelry and silverware. They were always in a hurry to get back on the water after these “breaks.”


After a long journey of stopping and going again, the statue of liberty finally came into view behind the salty clouds in the sky.


We got onto shore and the members of the crew pushed through the crowds of people. Some ignored them, some avoided them, and some took selfies with them.


When we finally arrived at my apartment, they knocked on the door. When my butler came, the men put guns up to head and asked for 200,000 dollars in cash and all of my silverware.


I understood now.


They already were getting the money I promised, so they were messing with my butler! I love messing with my butler! I pretended I was a hostage and pleaded they would not hurt me. I put on such a good show of whining and freaking out, the coast guard actually told me to shut up and slapped me.


He gave them the money. The coast guard left quickly. My butler was about to call the police, but I told him it was all a joke. He can be so gullible and stupid sometimes.

Some reporters from the New York Times asked me about my plane crash. I told him all about how the pilot was secretly a terrorist and how he was going to crash the white house until I took over and flew it. They asked me why would he fly me to Africa if he was going to attack in Washington D.C? That’s when I kicked them out of my house. Who are they to talk to me like that?


It was a life changing experience being stranded for so long. The lesson I have learned out of all this was to never keep myself bored. Every night for the rest of my life I spent my money wisely, on having fun. There will never be a dull moment again. I got into underground chicken fighting, winning every time by force feeding the opponents chickens chicken sandwiches with extra mayonnaise, sickening them every time.


The lack of going to that meeting in Africa unfortunately disabled my intentions to cure all diseases by an ingenious plan I was delivering through my jet. I instead came upon a much more important discovery.
Chicken sandwiches with mayonnaise can serve a purpose.






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