Two pills.
Two pills. Now my sister is gone.
But what else was I supposed to do? Emma always got upset when I used my money on drugs instead of caring for Adam. And I don’t blame her, but I couldn’t handle her disappointed face anymore. Maybe, if I’m not able to see her again, I can finally learn my lesson. I can still hear her voice in my head. You need to be a better role model to Adam. He looks up to you, you know. Those are the last words I will ever hear her say.
DAY ONE
Where are my keys? If I can’t find my keys, I can’t bring Adam to the park. I need to get out of this house and remind myself of why I am trying to quit. Now, if I can only remember the last thing I did when I had them – wait.
So I walked inside after visiting Emma, and I put my keys in the cabinet. The cabinet where I keep the pills. It’s high enough that Adam can’t reach it. Yep, here are my keys - I should probably take a few pills with me though, just in case. I mean, what if there is an emergency? Drugs were made for medical purposes, right? That’s how I got them in the first place. If only I didn’t get into that stupid car accident. I wouldn’t have broken nearly every bone in my body. I would have never even gotten on these drugs in the first place.
Emma would still be here.
I’ll just take a few with me just to be safe. How many is enough? Two? Three? I’ll bring three. You can never be too prepared. Adam is already waiting for me by the car. I will just slip these into my pocket…
“Mom! Look at me!” Adam is excited because some of the older kids taught him how to use the monkey bars. I love how his little feet are nearly two feet off the ground. I must get a picture so I can always remember this moment. After all, he won’t be this small forever! I’ll just reach into my pocket to get my phone-
And that’s when I feel those three familiar little tablets in the bottom of my pocket. I miss the feeling they give me. But I am here for Adam, not the drugs. I just need to get one picture to remember why I am here.
One pill wouldn’t hurt, would it?
Don’t do this. You’re better than this.
DAY TWO
Adam was supposed to go to daycare today, but he woke up today with a dreadful cold. (I blame the kids at the playground. They never wash their hands.) I chose to take off from work, and I figured we can watch a movie together after he takes his nap. I’ll pick the movie while I wait, I need to keep busy. I should also find Adam’s cough medicine; he only likes the strawberry flavor.
It’s in the cabinet.
I know I need to be a good mother, but I can’t stop thinking about those stupid pills! What am I going to do with all of the extra ones if I quit? I can’t let them go to waste, they were expensive. They were hard to find.  Who am I to be so wasteful? I have to put them to good use.
I’ll just take one… two. I’ll just take two. And I will never take them again after that.
DAY ONE
Adam loved the movie we watched last night. It was great to see a smile on his face, especially after seeing him be so cranky for the whole day. I wish I could remember how the movie ended, but I passed out on the couch right after it started. I must have been really tired.
Yeah, but do you remember why you were so tired?
I guess I should probably wake Adam up now for daycare. I have to leave for work in an hour, but he just looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I’ll just watch his tiny chest rise up and down for a few more minutes…
You know, he doesn’t deserve to be stuck with someone like you.
I know he doesn’t deserve me! And I can’t stand to think about how he will turn out if something was to happen to me, but I just can’t get those pills out of my mind. I don’t deserve such a sweet little boy. I deserve to be punished. I am not allowing myself to have this wonderful child in my life anymore.
I just don’t want him to feel any pain…
I only have a few pills left, but it won’t take much to take out a small child. All I need is one tablet, and I’ll crush it to speed up the process, I just need something to put it in. Adam loves apple juice.
“Here honey, eat you’re breakfast so we can get to daycare.” He is still not dressed, and he didn’t pick out a snack, not that it matters. There is no chance that he will make it to snack time. But he doesn’t know that.
“Mommy, I don’t feel so good.”  I have Adam lie down on the couch. “Just go to sleep, you’ll feel better when you wake up. I’ll call Aunt Emma to take care of you while Mommy goes to work.”
I’ll need to hurry; I can’t miss work two days in a row. Now, where are my keys?