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The Global Warming Case

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Donald Trump contemplates pulling out of the Paris Climate Change Agreement because he knows global warming doesn’t exist, because that’s what he believes. To convince Congress to support his decision, he brings in Doctor Truelittle, an expert in “climythology”, who will try to convince Congress on Donald Trump’s behalf that global warming provides no threat.

 

Congress member: “Doctor Truelittle, pleased to meet you. As we’ve been told, you will be representing Donald Trump in his decision to pull from the Paris Climate Change Agreement?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “Yes sir, and may I say it is an honor to meet you all.”

 

Congress member: “What are your qualifications as an expert in climythology?”

 

Doctor Truelittle:  “Well it’s something that I work at constantly, I go outside five or… six times a day just to see how the weather is doing. I even document my observations daily, in fact, in this winter alone it’s been below 30 degrees for more than a month! Why it’s damn cold out there right now, tell that to your climate change believers in your constituency.”

 

Congress member: “Doctor Truelittle, I’ve heard that climate and weather are not the same thing, yet you speak of them as if they were one. Could you please explain yourself?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “Ah yes, a common misconception, but really, if you look it up online it’s quite evident that climate, and weather are basically the same thing. They happen to be synonyms of each other. Or you could just save yourself the trouble and believe me, I am the expert.”

 

Congress member: “Doctor Truelittle, we’ve been told that you studied climythology for several years, where did you get your education in climythology?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “I received my degree is climythology at the esteemed Trump University, an education that was worth every penny.” 

 

Congress member: “Doctor Truelittle, recently we have been hearing that the oceans are warming up and the sea level is rising, so that coastal places like California will be underwater. Is that true?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “We all know that California sits on top of the San Andreas Fault, so it is doomed to sink into the ocean at sometime. So really, your question is irrelevant.”

 

Congress member: “Doctor Truelittle! Due to global warming, the ice caps have been reportedly melting, what do you have to say about that?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “Myths! Completely untrue, in fact just yesterday I saw a nature program of a polar bear and her cub rolling in snow atop an ice flow. Clearly the two were enjoying their 360 degree view of nothing but beautiful blue clear water as far as the eye could see.”

 

Congress member: “Doctor Truelittle! There use to be huge ice sheets in the arctic for the large population of polar bears!”

 

Doctor Truelittle: Ah yes, but you see, the population of polar bears has been rapidly decreasing, so they have plenty of ice. Really, nature is such a beautiful thing, everything just seems to fall into balance.”

 

Congress member: “Years of research from our top scientists who strongly support the Paris Climate Change Agreement have come to the conclusion that we the humans inhabiting the world have greatly increased the speed of global warming. What do you have to say about that?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “It’s not us, in fact this is all just the natural process of the earth, we are in fact coming out of the ice age so it would make sense that things are warming ever so slightly, but obviously not enough that we need to take any action.”

 

Congress member: “Yes, but if global warming is as bad as the scientists have described it, shouldn’t we take immediate action? We’ve been told that global warming could cause mass extinction of animals and plants.”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “If you had been carefully listening to my perfectly well thought out argument, there’d be no need for worrying, but if global warming really did exist the animals and plants would be fine! Every species of animal and plant alike will simply be able to adapt to this new way of life. It’s what animals and plants have been doing all their lives, so really there is no need to worry about animals and plants.”

 

Congress member:  “But what about the dinosaurs?  They didn’t adapt.”

 

Doctor Truelittle:  “Oh, I suppose you’re thinking of those fantasy dioramas in  museums that show those big guys stumbling along in the dust with their tongues hanging out. Everybody who knows anything about what really happened back then, based on eyewitness accounts, is well aware that it was only the really dumb dinosaurs who couldn’t find the still plentiful watering holes.”

 

Congress member:  “Wait… How could there be eyewitnesses back then?”

 

Doctor Truelittle:  “Ah, but of course, you wouldn’t know of those accounts because they are protected from public view as classified, calcified documents. And before you ask why there were no descendants of those eyewitnesses with a developed language of of the smart dinosaurs who knew where the watering holes were, well that’s a whole other classified matter, but you might consider all the verified reports of alien spaceships.”

Congress member: “What about humans today?  Global warming will quickly negatively impact both our environment and our health, not to mention our agriculture. How will we deal with that if that’s what will happen?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “Well, if global warming were to happen you can rest assured that we humans would simply flourish in it! With all that extra warmth of the sun our plants will get more light and grow even faster, and the sun is very healthy for the skin you know. If anything, global warming will help to boost the health of all people everywhere.”
 
Congress member: “If we were to continue actively participating in the Paris Climate Change Agreement, they have been hoping to provide more funding to create more renewable energy to help decrease our carbon footprint and help lower global warming’s steady pace. What do you have to say about that?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: Why, I’d say it’d be simply a waste of time. Renewable energy is extremely expensive and provides very little. Why should we spend large grants on windmills and solar panels for the few when we could burn more coal for the many! Also, having things like solar panels and windmills will kill jobs for all the hard working Americans out there. How do you think you’ll make up for all the lost jobs? Why, even jobs in the healthcare field would be affected if there were a reduction in illnesses like black lung disease, and what about all those scientists who would be out of work if there were no oil spills to clean up anymore?”

 

Congress member: “It’s been reported that CO2 levels have been rapidly rising due to all of the fossil fuels we have been burning, worsening our climate. What do you have to say about that?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “If that’s the case, we should be burning even more fossil fuels! CO2 happens to be a plant food so if we continue burning fossil fuels we are feeding the plants here on earth! In fact, that should be our next move, we should put more money into our burning fossil fuels to help the growth of plants in our world. That should make those vegetarians happy.”

 

Congress member: “Won’t there be problems if there is too much CO2 in the air? Shouldn’t we cut back on all the fossil fuel burning we’ve been doing?”

 

Doctor Truelittle: “Oh, I see the problem here. You think that we are the problem for a slight rise of CO2 in the air, but really the real problem comes from the volcanoes. They spew one hundreds times more CO2 into the air then any human could. Really what we need to do is get rid of all the volcanoes, I suggest we flatten them using bombs, to vaporize them into nothing so they will stop hurting our world, sort of like the beneficial technique of mountaintop removal use in the coal industry.” 

 

Congress member:  “I can see you’ve done a lot of research into this problem from the very intelligent answers you’ve provided today. You and the American people may rest assured that we will take all of this information into consideration in making our decision.  Thank you.”






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