Undeniable Something

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“My days and nights blurred into one. The sun shines through my window from the outside, obviously showing that it’s day. But for all I know, or care, it could be night. I breathe in and out to maintain life in my body. But with each breath, it comes in thick through my nostrils. So I desperately switch to breathing through my mouth, but the air still draws in thick as if I'm breathing in water. Breathing used to be a mindless act, no thought went into inhaling air. But now, breathing is a chore, a workout even. I feel as if a small child sits on my chest with their small hands wrapped around my throat.” I provided the most descriptive explanation of what happens to me when I’m left alone to my thoughts. My therapist and I locked eyes for a moment before I looked away from the intensity of her analyzing eyes.


“What you are describing is a textbook case of an anxiety attack. But that is not the real problem. Tell me more about your depression.” She commanded softly.


“Depression doesn’t plague me like my mother and you wish to believe. I welcome it, I crave It like a drug now. Its talons sink deep into my skin and warps my emotions better than the doc’s medication ever could. I let the black hole of depression tear into the pit of my stomach and spread slowly but surely throughout my body until it finally swallowed me whole. You say that my anxiety is what sent depression into motion in my life. Therefore, I have to say my thanks to my rebarbative anxiety for sending depression my way. I don’t hate my depression and want to send it away like most others struggling with this “disease”. I love it for taking away my fears, my social anxiety, heartbreak and even happiness and laughter. Depression has taken all of my insecurities and emotions and leaves me only with sadness. I no longer have to bother with putting up a false smiles to comfort those around me. I don’t have to surround myself with any emotion to influence or induce my own. Now all I am surrounded by is grey. No worries... just undeniable nothing.” I explained  bluntly to my therapist as I pulled absentmindedly at a loose thread on the pillow i held on my lap.


“Well, I see how you would want to never get hurt. But don’t you want the flip side of it? Don’t you want to be surrounded by more colors than just grey?” She asked quizzically as she examined my reaction through hooded eyes.


“W-what?” I stammered. Her words struck something in me, it sent a electrifying shiver down my spine as colors flooded my eyes.


“It is okay to  want to never be heartbroken and such, but don’t you want to live your life to the fullest and not let your life go to waste?” She reiterated.


“I-I guess I want to,” I began to say.


“Would you care to elaborate on that?” She asked as her pen scribbled softly on her notepad.


“I guess I never let myself to want anything. I guess it was out of fear that I built this wall around me to block any emotion.” More scribbling sounded from her notepad as tears began to form in my eyes. “But yes, I do want to live my life to the fullest. I don’t want to die and not have my life have any meaning. I want to go and experience something wonderful.” I cried freely and didn’t care to wipe the warm and salty tears from my chin. Something exploded in my chest and stomach. I felt as if I were experiencing every emotion in it’s purest form.
“The thing is, death is inevitable. It’s going to happen, so why let it control you? See, you can’t live this life without taking the wonderfulness of this life without taking in the worst of it. You have to take the worries and the sadness to get your undeniable something.” She explained with warm features as she emphasized the word something. “Does this help you?” She asked as she handed me a piece of paper and opened the door, concluding our session.


“Yes, I think it does.” I smiled a real smile back to here. I left the small therapy room with a new mindset. My eyes have been reopened to rediscover the things I shielded myself from. My life is no longer me laying in bed in a dark room with a dark grey cloud looming over my head. No all I want to do is live, live my life as contentedly and exhilaratingly as I can so I can get my undeniable something.






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